Don't worry, I'm dumping this version. it's clear it needs alot more thought. For now i think i'll try another idea soon.
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Jason and Phil just stared at each other. There was a long silence till Kevin stirred and woke up.
"My head, what happened?"
"Kevin!" Yelled Elena. "Your okay!"
Kevin sat up and looked at Phil. Then at Jason.
Finally Jason's uncle decides to speak. "Jason, you need to know about your father."
"My father?"
"Yes, he was a member of the Elemental as well as Phil and I."
"What are you talking about Mr. Roberts?" Asked Elena. "What is an Elemental?"
"A holy warrior of god," said Jason.
"What, you know what it is Jason?" asked Elena.
"Yes, my father had a book about it. It's where I found this stone, But I thought it was just a story." He looked up at his Uncle, then at Phil.
"What did the book say Jason?" Asked Kevin.
Jason turn to Kevin. "It was the only thing that survived the fire. I could only read one passage, but it was enough."
"Well?"
"A dark force shall rise and the holy one shall fall. All will be lost, but the power of the Elemental shall save this world. The powers of wind, water, earth, fire, lightning, and ice. This world shall deafened itself."
"That was a quote from a very powerful Elemental," said Phil.
Jason just looked at him. "How do you know so much Phil?"
"My families job is to record and learn about the history of the Elemental. Since I was young I have been studying it's history."
Kevin stood up. "So, what does all of this mean?"
"It means that we are in great danger. The Devil's ring are demons who came here from the spirit realm. This world we live in does not exist. When the spiritual rift that opened up consumed this bit of land, It was wiped off the map of the rest of the world."
"What!? That makes no sense!" Yelled Kevin.
Kevin and Phil just stared at each other. A few moments later there was huge explosion. Everyone ran outside to see the main city burning to the ground.
"No!" Kevin ran off toward the chaos.
"Kevin, wait!" yelled Jason from behind him.
"Let him go Jason," said Phil. "Leave him be."
"What? Why?"
"Any human not chosen by the Elemental can not use its power. They die if they touch the crystal, I've seen it happen before." Phil stood next to Jason. "He lived. He has a strong heart, he may become an angel some day."
Jason gave Phil a confused look.
"I don't have time to explain, listen, if the demon are attacking the city then the barrier will be weak. You should be able to get out of here. Now go!"
With that Phil disappeared into the smoke and flames. Jason turned around to face is uncle and Elena. "I think it's time to leave." He grabbed Elena's hand and they began to run, but Mr. Robert's just stood there. "Uncle, come on! We have to get out of here!"
"No Jason, you go. I have unfinished business." He pulled a stone out of his pocket that looks just like Jason's. "Go!"
Mr. Roberts ran off into the darkness.
"Come on, we have to get out of here."
Jason and Elena ran through the alleys.The fire quickly spread every where. People were running in confusion every which way. Soon every house was on fire and Jason and Elena were forced to run in the streets. They turned a corner to see a demon cut down an elderly lady. It was pitch black with piercing red eyes. It smiled showing white fanged teeth. It's claws dripping with blood.
"More fun," it said as it ran toward Jason and Elena.
They were both stunned by fear.Then, just as the monster was going to kill them, Kevin jumped out of an ally with a metal pole and hit the demon with it across the face.
"Run!" yelled Kevin. His left arm was bleeding and his clothes were soaked with blood. "I said run!"
The demon got up and stabbed it's claws through Kevin's body. "You little wench, that hurt."
Kevin coughed up blood. He looked at Jason and Elena before being thrown against the wall.
"Oh my god, Kevin!" screamed Elena.
"You son of a, aw."
Elena turned to Jason. She saw the stone around his neck begin to glow.
"You bastard!"
Jason charged at Jason with amazing speed. He jumped into the air and threw is fist at the demon, but it caught his hand. Jason landed on his feet, hand still clenched by the demon. Jason tried to jab with his other hand, but was kneed in the gut. The demon let go of Jason, retracted it's claws, and punched Jason across his face sending him back to Elena's side.
"Jason!" Elena knelt down beside him. "Are you okay?"
"How could he?"
Elena turned to see the demon walking closer to them.
"I hit him pretty hard. I bet his ribs and jaw are broken."
Elena got up, stood in front of Jason, and put her arms out. "I wont let you touch him!"
"How sweet." The demon back handed Elena across the face and sent her to the ground. "Human scum." It opened it's claws and went to stab her, but someone grabbed his wrist. "Y, You."
Jason began to crush the monsters wrist. They stared into each others eyes.
"Don't you dare lay a hand on her."
He completely crushed the Demons wrist. The demon screamed out in pain. Jason let go and punched the demon in the gut.
It coughed, "How?"
Jason raised his hand to the demon. A bust of slicing air came from his palm ripping the it to shreds.
"Very impressive," said a sinister voice from behind Jason and Elena.
They turned to see a larger demon with a pointed tail whirling behind his back.
"It's been a while since I've been able to have fun before dinner. The last one didn't amuse me at all. He was all old and run down. Quite weak for an Elemental." He raised the head of Jason's uncle.
Don't worry, I'm dumping this version. it's clear it needs alot more thought. For now i think i'll try another idea soon.
"Kevin!" Yelled Elena. "Your okay!"
"A dark force shall rise and the holy one shall fall. All will be lost, but the power of the Elemental shall save this world. The powers of wind, water, earth, fire, lightning, and ice. This world shall deafened itself."
Finally Jason's uncle decides to speak.
He pulled a stone out of his pocket that looks just like Jason's.
Everyone ran outside to see the main city burning to the ground.
Ugh.
There is so many implausible coincidences and cliche plot twists that my eyes hurt.
Exhibit A: The unconcious person wakes up. Don't ask me why they don't die, or recieve some serious injury. No, whenever an author wants some time to pass, they knock their character out, instead of using a fade out or a new chapter.
And yet, our unconcious hero wakes up regardless, and what do his companions do first? They yell at him. I can't stand people talking to me when I have a headache. I hate it even more when people yell at me.
Exhibit B: The explanation of everything that's going on. Yes, the dreaded info-dump has reared it's ugly head in this chapter. In chapter three, we're given a crash course in elementals. Of course, we know all this because one of the [s]idiots[/s] company has been studying elementals for years, instead of something more practical, like studying to be a doctor or lawyer.
The fact that all of this is being dumped on an unconcious person within a minute of waking up without anything resembling the side-effects of being knocked unconcious is almost too much to bear.
Exhibit C: Someone has some unfinished business to take care of.
And it always seems to be involving the bad guys. Why can't someone have "unfinished business" that relates to using the bathroom or finishing a puzzle, or packing up. But no, it always involve some stupid fight thing. This inevitably leads to Exhibit D.
Exhibit D: The idiot from Exhibit C ends up dead. You would have thought that this stupid character would have at least picked up a fantasy book and picked that up. Authors love Exhibit C and D, because it is a quick and cheap way to eliminate a character who's only purpose was to serve as a guide. Had this been Lord of the Rings, Gandalf wouldn't have made it out of the shire before getting killed by some Nazgul.
I'd say I felt sorry for the character, but chances are that he was just a stock character to begin with and the group probably won't even care.
Exhibit E: The cliche one liner. Every evil thing says this. "I'm going to grind your bones to make my bread," "Impressive, you're more skilled than I thought..." and other such trivial nonsense.
If this demon enjoyed the kill so much, then he'd still be dismembering that idiot character from Exhibits C and D.
But no, he sits there and comments on the main character's strengths, (as if the protagonist needed any encouragement!) instead of killing him in a quick and efficent manner.
Why not have him brag about his own strengths, instead of how worthy a foe those kids are going to be? What's with the banter?
So let's get this together. You can still have everything happen as you plan, but don't have it happen like every single other cliche fantasy story!!!
For your sake if for no one elses.
it pretty good, but when you say "Yes, he was a member of the Elemental as well as Phil and I." it sounds a little wierd to say you might want to change that around a little. A;so when you say A few moments later there was huge explosion. the word huge is kind of simple, and you could put in a more complex word to make it sound like ur not using 5th grade words. i couldn't correct it all but it sounds really good, but some of your sentances soumd a little strange, but it looks really good!
lyndzi
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