JFW1415

Hello! :P Congrats on your first posted short story! To be honest, this did not draw me in. Why should I care about some seemingly perfect girl? What is going ...

Everyone else pointed out almost all I wanted to say, so I'll just add one more comment. NEVER, EVER, EVER say 'in these pages I will...' in a story. It's ...

Krazykoreandevil: The whole leant vs. leaned thing is a British vs. American thing. I just learned this. :oops:

Aw, you're mean. :( You didn't allow me to have a very in-depth critique! It was too good. :P Extra: I like how you made me feel for Sarah from ...

My suggestion? Cut this into parts. People will be more likely to review that way. I will (hopefully) critique later on, but it's too late for such a long chapter. ...

One through three in first column, four and five in second. Extra: Try to read more action filled books. Learn the author's style (read more than one author's works,) and ...

One through three down first column, four and five down second.

I'm not very good at reviewing children's books, so I won't be nit-picky. I do have one comment, though. I don't think you should repeat the words so often. It ...

Eh, I don't know what you mean by your last response. You're just deleting this chapter and starting with the second, or editing it? Either way, I've already critiqued, so ...

Good luck! PM me with any questions; I know I can be kind of confusing. :P ~JFW1415

Warning: The following may be a little harsh, but there are compliments nestled in there. :P The numbers following the highlighted text correspond with the numbered comments. The answers to ...

Here you go! The promised critique. :P