EverWayward #5

I hate it too, ignore this part, lol.

Deus ex machina indeed. I really hate any use of DEM in stories unless there was some foreshadowing or circumstances in play they caused it to rationally occur or be lead into, rather then just appear when convenient. I don't even exactly know what happened, but it...happened anyways.

I like this, apart from the mysterious power. I really wished you'd elaborate on it. It's confusing slightly. I like idea of this I thought maybe it was a person who captured him. You never get any idea how the Prince looks. Is that intentiol. My main complaint this chapter never gives a clear idea of anything much. Though it's not that action packed. It's good you can write scenes like this. Fantasy ain't just action eh. Just power, it seems deus ex machina. Seems put in for convenients. Though I like story. Keep it up.

Good luck
VSN

Thanks Jabber!

Nice suggestions, it works much better now thanks

Hey, Aedomir! Sorry, again, that I didn't get to this right away. However, here is my critique.

Forgive me if I repeat anything Wozzles said before me. ^^

The buttercups in the vast field mellowed under the midday sun, [s]and in the distance, a man groomed his horse[/s] a man grooming his horse in the distance.

It had a silky [s]silvery[/s] silver mane that waved from its head. [didn't particularly like this phrase] Its fur shimmered white, its great stature visible from horizon to horizon.

The ground that met the now burnt orange sky on the hilltops, [no comma] gave a sudden seismic tremor.

He stirred, opened his eyes partway, and squinted at the leaping flames.

Slowly, his eyes adjusted to a rather dim ambience ambiance [unless it's a difference in English again ^^;]. A tall, blurry figure stood at his feet.

He cried in shock, [s]and dropped his head back[/s] his head unintentionally thrown backwards [you seem to be better with words than me, though ^^].

Such a ritual as this, [no comma] meant a newcomer was to join the scavengers of Ethina—where [no dash there] dwelled the Kalbarcs—namely, [no comma] Aedomi

The twilight prince [after reading the enter thing already, I think this title should be capitalized]. The light subsided with a sudden blink. Aedomir, oblivious to sound through his hefty [maybe strong? or loud?] heart thumps, widened his eyes and stared at the host.

It [I actually have to argue that 'it' is perfectly fine, as long as you keep using it.] had risen above the platform Aedomir lay on, [no comma] and floated, arms stretched.

A blue light stretched out from his eye and met the white stream of the [s]prince’s[/s] Prince's [again, I recommend capitalizing his 'title']. It flickered before his eyes—all [use a semicolon instead] the colours he had ever known flashed vividly.

The [s]prince[/s] Prince screeched and fell to the ground.

Hi guys!

Thanks for the reviews. I know that wasn't brilliant...

Shall I be honest? OK.

Well, I wrote that in like October... That was when I was coming up with all kinds of rubbish. I did rephrase it a lot, in fact I rewwrote some pararaphs completly.

I am going to make this better than before, a lot better! Sorry I am a complete perfectionist, which is good right?

omigosh!! i can't believe this came out without me knowing it!! lol. my edits in bold, as usual

aedomir wrote::arrow: Author's Note Hi, This might not turn out to be your favourite part, I think it's a bit boring to be honest, but I threw the idea together in about an hour, please tell me what you think.

Chapter Two

The buttercups in the vast field mellowed under the midday sun, and in the distance, a man groomed his horse. The weak glow that shone from its body embossed the great picturesque. It had a silky silvery mane that waved from its head. Its fur shimmered white, its great stature visible from horizon to horizon. The man was stroking its back with a brush, his tatty overall waving in the wind.

The ground that met the now burnt orange sky on the hilltops, gave a sudden seismic tremor. The man was thrown backwards as the horse leapt into the air on two legs, screeching into the deep sky. Smoke bellowed from the distance whilst cries pierced the night. I like your descriptions here a lot

#

Aedomir woke to the sound of vivid echoes. Vivid echoes? I like it...

“Keep down, you runt!”

He stirred, opened his eyes partway and squinted at the leaping flames. Slowly his eyes adjusted to a rather dim ambience. A tall blurry figure stood at his feet. As he went to move, he became aware of several ropes. They stretched in rows across him so tightly that Aedomir found it hard to breathe. So he just suddenly found it hard to breathe when he saw the ropes? Different wording is needed here, I think. He raised his head slightly to get a better view. His clothes were ripped; his arms were bruised; his weapons were gone... he was as vulnerable as a newborn. Interesting, but I think he a little bit less vulnerable than a newborn, because his skull is tougher and stuff...lol, sorry, ignore me, I'm being really irritating. Haha!

“I said keep down!” A sharp whip snapped onto his skin. He cried in shock and dropped his head back. It crashed onto the cold rock beneath him, bursting with pain. Ouch.... Here, I think you should say "and his head dropped back", and "into" instead of "onto" and then say "and it burst out with pain" or something similar instead of what you put in the last clause.

A blinding light erupted above the cloaked figure. Overhead, the light shone out between its clasped hands. The jet black cape greyed from the radiance, but under the hooded face, nothing could be seen. I loved this sentence Through the light, he shut his eyes and racked his brain. Through the light he shut his eyes? That sounds wrong...say "Because of the light" or something else...

Then he remembered. The legends of Heamor, his home realm—or origin realm—spoke of rituals. Such a ritual as this, meant a newcomer was to join the scavengers of Ethina—where dwelled the Kalbarcs—namely, Aedomir. What????? This really confused me.... You need to switch out the words a bit here, it's really confusing. I can't tell what it means. Actually, after reading over it a few times, I get it now, but I think that what confused me was "namely". Also, you don't need the comma after "this", and add a "that" between "meant" and "a". Try soemthing like "Such a ritual as this meant that a newcomer was to join the scavengers of Ethina--where dwelled the Kalbarcs--today, it was Aedomir." Also, the dashes confused me as well, is there any other way to add that part in there?

Th[s]e[/s]at light—blinding light—what next Aedomir? Think! He turned his head left and right. With a huge force of his eyes, they peeled back. The twilight prince. The light subsided with a sudden blink. Aedomir, oblivious to sound through his [s]hefty[/s] heavy heart [s]thumps[/s]beats widened his eyes and stared at the host.

It Maybe try he?? I know you're going for mystery, but it sounds really weird. Plus if you don't know the gender of a person, you can call it a "he". had risen above the platform Aedomir lay on, and floated, arms stretched. The hood was thrown back, and its head tilted to the ceiling. He Who did? Put "Aedomir" here stared in awe at the figure. Its bearing skin shined a hazy blue. Across its forehead sparkled the tips of hundreds of horns. Wow, that's really weird... Slowly, its head turned down. The eyes rose into view. Aedomir clashed Clashed is the wrong word...maybe "caught" instead. sight with them all too soon.

He tried to turn. He tried to scream. No longer was he in control. A blue light stretched out from his eye and met the white stream of the prince’s. This isn't how to tell us he's a prince--or did you already?? Sorry, I guess I might've forgotten. It flickered before his eyes—all the colours he had ever known flashed vividly. This was really cool.

The colours melted into Aedomir and then it all ended.

The prince screeched and fell to the ground. Its cloak flapped wildly and tumbled down. Aedomir yelled and pushed himself up. The ropes tore before him. The whips of the Kalbarc’s cord slapped his skin, but he felt no pain. He stood on top of the platform and turned around.

So it was a public show, it seemed. Line after line of Kalbarcs chanted heavily and ran towards Aedomir.

Suddenly his vision started to [s]faze[/s]fade and his arms flailed down to his side, right before he fell towards the swarm.

*sorry, I couldn't get to this earlier!*

Boring? Not a cliffhanger?

Whadda smoking, kid?

Ok, yeah, I'll have to admit that this wasn't my favorite. I didn't know what was happening until the end.

Your writing seemed to suddenly stop its beauty. If you know what I mean. You (in earlier chapters) used beautiful descriptions and actions. This seems like something that I would throw together. C'mon. You can do better.

I think that you need to dwell on this longer. Don't get me wrong, this was a good start. It just needs some fleshing out. For one, this was terribly short.

The whips of the Kalbarc’s cord slapped his skin, but he felt no pain.