EverWayward #3

Oh thanks Summer! Just a quick warning: The rest up to about 7 or 8 are quite frankly, terrible. But thanks anyway!

I really liked this part of chapter 1, I like all of them! You are an amazing writer...I wish I could read more today but I have to go work on my book that has been forgotten about. But before I go I must tell you that I am really scared because whenever two eyes are seen in darkness and the reader (especially me) doesn't know what it is they get scared. I have this bad feeling that Aedomir is going to have to fight a huge beast or something. Well my questions are going to have to remain unanswered, until next time...I'll be back I promise.

Again, thanks! I have come a long way since I wrote this chapter, or in fact chapter two also. My favourite parts are chapter four. Thanks!

One through three down first column, four and five down second.

I would drop the poem then.

Though same with Vernon on this one, the scene just seemed like it was missing the emotion and played down the last emotional piece in #2. It just seems unnatural and the last half seems just to be filler without reason to do it. Granted you are going to make it flow somehow, but just this piece is missing the reason it started.

ye I hate that poem...

Hmm, this chapter didn't do it for me. It wasn't the scene. I just felt some things not really explained. I've some advice for ya. I've found a great author for battle stuff is Raymond e Feist. He even goes so far as the comradship. You don't feel it here. You focus too much on Aedomir a mistake. I'm not saying this is terrible just trying to help you improve. You've got me reading. That's great. The poem rhyming seemed forced it seems more like a song. And I can imagine this better as a lengthy story. Make it more a tribute to his fallen leader. Hope this helps next chapter .

Good luck
VSN

Wow Mark! this is considerably better than your first drafts. They were somewhat reminisscent of your latin homework... This is much better. Still no idea what the plot's supposed to be, but you have to have a good writing style, which you do.

i really liked this, your a great writer and a great poet as well! i like the plot and everything about the story. now for the critque

He appeared to be the base, you need an AT after be

and thats about it lol, i could find no grammar mistakes so i would keep up the good work!

aedomir wrote:Above him shimmered a battle-worn face, whose hoarse lips trembled and panted deeply. The 'whose' here seems out of place, I would rephrase this to indicate 'his lips'.

“Someone call me?” He gave a hearty smile as best he could and slowly rose. His left leg [s]had[/s] was stiff[s]ened[/s] and he took great difficulty in moving it difficult to move. The man, who he now recognised as Gortim, had taken to smiling profusely and had caught on to Aedomir’s arm. After a heave Aedomir stood on the rocky ground, leaning against the boulder. “Where are we?” He looked around the torch-lit room through squinting eyes and attempted to separate shape from shape.

“Sorry it’s a bit dull in here,” He said jovially. “We just about managed to drag your body out of the rocks, along with… Captain Aganost.”
A tearing pain ripped inside Aedomir’s heart. <-- This sentence seems convoluted, tearing and ripped indicate the same thing. It just seems weird. He focused all attention into solemnly gazing at the floor, in an attempt to avoid eye contact with Gortim. Fortunately[s],[/s] he had turned away from Aedomir, [s]and[/s] but could still be seen from the corner of his eyes. <-- Either make it 'corners' or 'eye'. “I did what I could, you know… He was a great man, Aganost.” Aedomir took a deep breath and looked across to Gortim’s back. “He made me realise… One leader could not rule our lives. Unless we had stuck together all these years we would be dead.” His voice trailed off into thought.

“Alas, we must move on.” Gortim spun round and forced a weak smile[s] onto his face[/s], [s]however[/s] though it could have [s]just[/s] been the dim light mirroring off his face. “Shall we?” <-- Basically, those are needless or needlessly long/awkward words.

Aedomir nodded and limped to Gortim, who stood to one side of the short corridor. The cave was damp. Small drops of water were dribbling from overhead, splashing onto his hair and trailing down his cheeks like tears. It was only then that he realised he was soaking wet. He looked down at his drenched cloak. “Sorry about that, the waterfall.” Gortim said, almost mind-reading. They passed into a large circular room.

As Aedomir hobbled in, two rangers standing next to the door stopped mid-sentence and fixated their eyes on his. <-- 'Fixated' doesn't sit well with me in that sentence. I'd write something about their gazes meeting or something, fixated doesn't feel right. -- Whipped doesn't really work for me either. --> He whipped his eyes away, only to greet a man at the far end of the room, impassively sharpening the edge of his sword on a jagged rock. He counted six men, including himself and Gortim.

Six.

Thirty able men had left with him from Orchis. That makes twenty five men dead. Fallen in cerise snow. Even now their bodies would be rotting away. “Where are the dead?” Aedomir asked as he turned to Gortim.

“We managed to carry five away[s];[/s]: you, Aganost, Thradum, Keyrl and Debose.” <-- Error already mentioned above. Colon, not semicolon.

Keyrl. Only joined a week back. They found him lying face down in a puddle when Aedomir rescued him. “Where are they?”

“In a dugout over there.” He pointed to another cave corridor and sighed. “We should dispose of them and move on if we’re to survive the night.”

After an awkward silence, Aedomir twitched his nose and bellowed a deep yawn that echoed through the chamber. “We were almost fooling ourselves to think we would be left alone. There’s no point in pondering any longer, we must do what we can for the dead, then leave.” He frowned and risked a glance to Gortim. “How long have I been out?”

“Few hours? We’ve not left for a while; Kalbarc patrols are heavy after nightfall let alone what other creatures nature is ready to throw at us.”

“We should get some sleep, well you at least. I will be on guard, I think you deserve that.” Gortim nodded and turned to tell the men, but before his mouth could open Aedomir placed his hand on his shoulder. “Actually, no. I will go outside and harvest what food I can.” Gortim went to protest but found himself concurring with Aedomir and pointing to a dark corner.

“The door is over there but be careful, shall I—” But he had gone, off into the wilderness.

#

Through the narrow passage, fresh air greeted him. Also, the sound of trickling water met his ears, and a gushing waterfall came into view. That’s what Gortim meant then, they had taken refuge in a waterfall. He appeared to be at the base, I'd change it altogether and say: "He was at the base," far more concrete, less unnecessary words. with steamy water spraying into the cavern, and [s]galleons[/s] gallons of water falling asunder. He could see his reflection shining gracefully back; the scruffy, loose brown hair that tickled his neck; the scruffy overall, patched in every corner, and the pure blue eyes. For a moment he stood under the water just bathing in its splendour. The hose of water presented a refreshing soak to the touch and he felt renewed by the [s]shear[/s] sheer force of power above him.

After a short paddle downstream, the river’s banks sloped in and a snow-topped forest worked its way into sight. The stream slowly withered away into the ground. He climbed out and gently ran his fingers through his hair, gravely staring at the mass of dark shapes. As he stepped towards the forest, pacing long strides, he began to hum the accounts of the day:
If the trees are snow-capped, wouldn't the water be freezing?


Scar-Turner he sought
The vengeance of men
So help him he thought
And then it was then.

They slashed they held
Against such foes
But death was expelled
And lost were woes

To Suntary they came
And there they rested
Legs were lame
But soon battle had bested.

He broke off at the wood’s border. Carefully, he pushed the bushes aside and stepped in. Nothing could be seen through the pitch black atmosphere… Just a pair of bright, glowing eyes.

Ye sure no prob jabber.

Thanks for the review, I take it your the punctuation person!

Sorry I didn't get to this sooner. I have homework to finish up still.

Again, you can hold conversations through PM rather than this thread. It will be easier for critiquers.

“Aedomir, Aedomir! Wake up!”

His left leg had stiffened, and he took great difficulty in moving it.

“Sorry it’s a bit dull in here,” He [lowercase] said jovially.

Unless we had stuck together all these years, we would be dead.”

Gortim spun round and forced a weak smile onto his face, [period?] however, it could have just been the dim light mirroring off his face

Fallen in cerise snow.

Even now, their bodies would be rotting away.

“We managed to carry five away; [colon rather] you, Aganost, Thradum, Keyrl and Debose.”

There’s no point in pondering any longer, [period] we must do what we can for the dead, then leave.”

Kalbarc patrols are heavy after nightfall, let alone what other creatures nature is ready to throw at us.”

“We should get some sleep, [double dashes? Or triple dots]well you at least.

I will be on guard, [period] I think you deserve that.” Gortim nodded and turned to tell the men, but before his mouth could open, Aedomir placed his hand on his shoulder.

[s]Also,[/s] the sound of trickling water met his ears, and a gushing waterfall came into view.

That’s what Gortim meant then,[double dashes or semi?] they had taken refuge in a waterfall.

He appeared to be the at base, with steamy water spraying into the cavern, and galleons of water falling asunder.

For a moment, he stood under the water just bathing in its splendour.

Ye sure I'll have a look--promise!

it's probably just because you have a great story that lots of people will want to read.

you know...if you ever have time...maybe you could look at my "magic of chocolate" story...sorry, i don't usually ask people to read. *blush*

lol thanks i have no idea how i get so many reviews! bigbadbear was the first to read #1 and he's become quite a good mate on the site!

im writing #4, shud be the end of the chaapter

aedomir, i was just wondering...how do you get so many reviews? lol! i just noticed yours because i had finished a review and went back to the homepage and yours was there (and i've been reading the story), so i read. PM me when the next comes out!

oh, and btw...

i'm a fan too! lol

Wow first fan! I've been working on this story for over a year but you should have seen some of the crap I was coming up with to begin with, lol.

I only posted this a few minutes ago! Wow, I wonder if it'll sell this fast lol. Thanks for the reviews, the respones are just so encouraging!



Well, I'm off to do my Maths coursework and geograhpy homework ... Then I'l finish part 4!

Awesome! I love this story. It's freaking awesome. Now, on to the crit:

After a heave, Aedomir stood on the rocky ground, leaning against the boulder.

“Sorry, it’s a bit dull in here,” he [s]He[/s] said jovially.

He focused all attention into solemnly gazing at the floor, in an attempt to avoid eye contact with Gortim.

Fortunately, he had turned away from Aedomir and but could still be seen from the corner of his eyes.

Small drops of water were dribbling from overhead, splashing onto his hair and trailing down his cheeks like tears.

fixated their eyes on his. He whipped his eyes away,

wow. you are a great, great writer. i just did a really long review, so i don't have time for a long one here, but i will say this: you rock. the plot is good, your writing style is awesome, and you're a good poet, too.

i really can't wait to read more, because your writing style is better than some famous writers (Christopher Paolini's isn't as good as yours, i must say...)

a lot of great writers are British, i guess...you could be one of them. (not that americans aren't good, or anything)

i'll leave the grammar edits to someone who's better than me