Griffinkeeper

Her husky Caleb was running a little away from her, and her mouse Paula sat in the bag she had strung around her shoulder. Should be "Her Husky, Caleb, was ...

A little late, but better late than never. My eyes were drawn to the glittering stones. I had been staring for minutes. Mother told me not to stare, that it ...

"Jase!" I screamed between splutters, as the thick, pungent smoke slowly smothered my breath, "Where are-." This isn't exactly a flying start. Make your sentences shorter when your characters are ...

Excellent work. I'd run a spellcheck just to be sure. I think that, after being burned alive, there would be nothing left to rot, all that would be left would ...

The letter doesn't feel authentic. At all. Soldiers that write back to their moms don't want to worry their mothers. Usually they'll ask how things are on the home front. ...

I woke up in a cold sweat with a gasp. You're trying to describe way too much. I think you should seperate this into two sentences. First one describes her ...

Like all beginnings, the first paragraph is critical. I knew it was a mistake from the moment he dragged me into it all. The prank was supposed to be just ...

Nicely done. You've come a long way since you first submitted stuff here. Some of the descriptions seem a little too dramatic. Mind you, not overbearingly so, but there are ...

“Call her doctor john!” Mother commanded over my blood curdling shrieks. I don't think calling her "Doctor John" would help much. I cried out in agonizing pain. Weak. Don't use ...

“….are you saying that I’m troublesome?” Ellipses have only three dots, not four. “…well…” Buuchi said, as he looked towards me for a moment. Put ellipses on one side or ...

I couldn't get into it. You took too long. You need a hook and badly. Instead of having the character moan about how he was fated to some destiny on ...

I think you infodumped a little too much, describing what the family did and who they were related too. I think it should be told seperately from the action, if ...

Aedomir still felt angry, and missed his companions dearly. But the comfort of Seridon slowly grew, and he felt he could speak with him more and break the solitude. But ...

Chapter I: The Season of the Pikara 1.Pikara bounced down the street of the seaside town, which lay nestled at the foot of a mountain. 2. She was worried. 3. ...

There were a few flaws with the story that weren't very clearly explained. She didn't see the handsome stranger when she entered, nor did she hear him enter. Also, the ...