FLyerS

I like your use of alliteration! Nicely sexual pop-can! This is a dirty little poem, isn't it. I like it. So simple, so understated. Although the use of the word ...

Hey, FLyerS again. You need to work on your suspense. Make there be a little frustration in the majic. Audiences like characters because of their strengths. Audiences love characters for ...

Once again dear, the devil's in the details. Have the newly entered character describe this "War" more. (By the way, this is not a detail, it's a majorly important plot ...

This is beginning to sound like twilight! watch that! Over all though, this was pretty good. You need to go over it a couple more times though. Obsess a bit. ...

Wow, that was corny. It takes finesse to handle love at first sight. This did not show finesse. In your first chapter, you showed signs of being able to handle ...

Hey dear, Is this your first novel attempt? If it is, here's some things you should know. (These aren't hard-and-fast rules. When it comes to writing, nothing is.) When describing ...

Good. I liked your mannequin metaphor. It made a lot of sense. There was some nice flow to your words. The part where you said: And throw it at the ...

I don't do nitpicks. Ask someone else. I like the way the poem wasn't about a love gone sour. I like how simple it was. Now. You need to work ...

I personally love pieces on the loss of free will. They make me cry! Woot! But this belongs in romantic shorts, not general fiction. Important Questions: Why? Why did they ...

Howdy! Ok, from a strictly flow-oriented view, (like you asked in your before-writing comment) I thought it was stiff. The language you used was extremely hard-to-follow. Don't get me wrong, ...

Weird! I liked it. I don't know why. I think it was too short to be a chapter, but it was Ok. I think you should combine it with another ...

So long without A review! Horrible! Ok, A few things. This Passage didn't seem to have anything doing. It is basically a chapter for the heroin to reminisce. This type ...

Jeez! so long without a single review! Well, Here is Me, remedying this situation. Over all, I thought it painted an accurate picture of a young girl being shuffled between ...

Ok, dear, you need to take another look at this for punctuation. I'm not usually a stickler about that, but this one was particularly bad in that department. Now, to ...

Hello again. I like your metaphor skill. The way you use the ballet for the sea is a bit over-done, but luckily, you bring it some fresh life. Kudos. On ...