Published July 28, 2010
In a costume of white trimming and rippling fabric,
Dancing to the rhythmic beat of thunder across an ashen set
A ballet of chaotic magnificence takes place
A dancer arching her back, leaping upward,
Throwing herself at the mercy of the stoic observers,
Faces craggy, grey and impenetrable
They break her costume, it sprays across their cheeks
She recedes into the ancient backdrop, defeated
Each dancer takes their turn, leaping with conviction
Each dancer is broken, withdrawing in time with the din
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,763 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
I could definately learn something from your use of methaphors!
I like the poem!
This was simply beautiful. The imagery is both vague and evocative, presenting a translucent mirage of blue and white. I'm still a little hazy on what it's actually about, but it presents a lovely subconscious picture. I imagined dolphins leaping into the air and water ballet dancers twirling beneath the surface. Bravo, my friend!
Hello again. I like your metaphor skill. The way you use the ballet for the sea is a bit over-done, but luckily, you bring it some fresh life. Kudos.
On the last line, I think the term "last bow" is inaccurate. If you are using the sea as the metaphor, then there is never a last bow. try something like, The dancer takes her bows, one of many encores. Hmmm. I would suggest playing with that for a while...
Over all, this is a good poem. Your metaphors are right on target.
Hi Bluebird24! First things first, I love your avatar! The Smurfs rule!
Now, onto the poem ...
I really have just one criticism. Adjectives, adjectives, adjectives. They're everywhere, and they aren't adding that much to the poem. Description can be made in a variety of ways; adjectives is one of them, but there are also personifications, metaphors, similes, hyperboles, onomatopoeias, alliterations, oxymorons, and so many more. I can find only two in this poem: metaphors and adjectives. But adjectives can become so redundant! For example ...
The word "swaying" is not necessary here because if the fabric is rippling, it is implied that it is swaying as well.
I hope this helps, and you really do have a beautiful poem here.
I actually really liked this. I thought the comparison of a single wave from an ocean storm to a ballet dancer was wonderful and imaginative. The only thing I would suggest is to add some punctuation, to clarify what's going on. It took me a few reads to completely understand the first 2 lines and what they were describing, and I think a few commas and periods would help explain the metaphors.
Other than that, I think you have a winner right here.
If I repeat anything it is because I haven't read the other review.
sorry. Grammar , things I like, and comments.
Overall I really like this. There isn't rhyme or rhythm (that I can see), but it still flows. You just need to smooth out some things.
Hope I helped,
A. S.
Overall, a great metaphorical poem. Loved it.
No flaws that I could see in this line. It is a wonderful introductory line, like a topic sentence in a paragraph. I can immediately see, from the title, 'Sea Ballet' to the 'white trimming' and 'rippling fabric', a deep blue ocean with its waves, and the sea foam trimming its edges.
Same great metaphors, blending nicely in with the first line. But the 'a ashen' should be 'an ashen'.
I like your use of 'chaotic magnificence'. It portrays the picture well enough. But 'ballet' is kind of redundant. I think it should be something like 'a whirlwind' or something of that sort.
I don't entirely understand what metaphor this is, or even if there is one. If there isn't, there should be. Otherwise it's even harder to understand. What I see is a dancer on a stage, which I don't think is what you meant.
Receding is a good word. It is often used to show waves receding, and the blending of the dancer and waves is a great image. I didn't at first get the 'ancient' backdrop, but I think I get it now. The ocean is ancient, right?
All great, except since it's the end of the poem, I would put a period at the end of the last line.
Also, I wouldn't call this narrative poetry. It doesn't really tell a story, it just deeply describes an action. I would call it dramatic poetry.
Otherwise, awesome job!