I realized that I like it the way it was and didn't want comments on it. But thanks for looking anyway.
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139,638 Literary Works • 672,637 Reviews
Hello.
I agree with the reviewer above me that this certainly needs a "why" put behind the story. There's a lot of backstory missing, and it really detracted from the work. I kept getting questions raised by the story, mostly "why" questions, and I kept wanting them answered. When they weren't, I walked away unsatisfied.
I'd also look really closely at your point of view. Right now, you switch between two characters in varying degrees of closeness, with the introduction being omniscient with the description of the wind. You can start off in the omniscient PoV, then zoom in on one character, but it's usually recommended you stick with one character for the whole scene. It's possible to float between two PoVs in one scene, but it's best to either have one transition, going from one character's head to another and staying there for the rest of the story, or maybe one or two paragraphs of the other PoV depending on the story. By aimlessly floating between two PoVs like you are now, we don't really get a relationship with either character. This only amplifies the "why" questions, because we're never close enough to a character to get their thought process.
Hope this helps. PM me if you have any questions or comments.
~Rosey
I personally love pieces on the loss of free will. They make me cry! Woot! But this belongs in romantic shorts, not general fiction.
Important Questions:
Why?
Why did they have to get married? What was forcing them? Their parents? The Church? Space Aliens?
Where?
They could be anywhere from a lonely cabin in the woods to a little house in the 'burbs.
When?
You said it was December, but last I checked, people weren't forced into marriage anymore.
Who?
At first it was: "the wind tapped at the windows of the Lee house," and then it was: "I'm not taking your last name you know, Hayley Lean, it sounds stupid so I'm keeping my own" What is their last names anyhow?
Also, you need more character development. You said he was kinda geeky in High school, but what was she like? What were these plans they talked about so much? What were their dreams before this? You said she was in love, but who is Harvey? Why did she like him?
What?
No complaints in that department!
How?
What lead up to this scene in their house? What allowed this to happen?
As a "Passage dealing with the effects of lost free will" this was a good exercise in human emotion. As a short story, there were too many questions left unanswered. Part of the brilliancy of short stories is the questions, but this one left too many mysteries for the reader to focus on what you really intended.