Nazar roared in rage.
“You imbecile! I told you to kill him!” He bellowed.
“I’m sorry, Sir. Please, sir, ‘twas a mistake, honest!” the young man said, cowering in fear.
“Mistake? You know what happens when people like you make mistakes?” The young man shook his head. “Last time someone made a mistake like that, this,” he yanked off his hood, “happened.” His face was blotchy and red, charred black in places, blistered in others. The bottom right hand side was missing, nothing but a hole which showed his jaw. “The last time someone made a mistake like yours the crazed woman came after me herself and burnt my face like this,” he pointed to his face, “and I had to kill her myself.” The young man was whimpering now. “Take him away!” He shouted. The young man began to protest and weep.
“I have a family! Please, Sir! No!” Nazar just ignored him as he was dragged away.
What exactly did happen lasssst time a missssstake like that wasssss made? A voice in his head asked. Nazar was used to the voice by now; his snake Sheika had been accompanying him his whole life, the only close companion he would trust.
You know exactly what happened, he replied.
Explain to me again pleassse, Sheika begged. Nazar knew better than to argue with the snake, she had sharp poisonous fangs.
Very well. As you know, I’ve been trying to take the thrown from the royal family for a while now. I can’t do that if there’s a king and queen in my way though. So the solution seemed simple enough. Kill them both. Though killing, rather getting someone to kill, a pregnant queen isn’t as easy as it seems. The man I sent to kill her tried their best but that wasn’t good enough. The man couldn’t kill her and returned empty handed. He was killed, of course. The crazy lady came after me as soon as the baby was born and she was well again. She burned my face and so I stabbed her. I sent a man to ‘kill’ the king today.
You sssay kill sarcasssstically, why is that ssso?
Because, I want to kill him myself. I just need to get him angry enough so that he comes after me, then I can kill him and lure his daughter out with him.
How sssinister.
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140,086 Literary Works • 672,996 Reviews
Hey I am going to review your work today!
Nice name...Nazar..I am interested in how you first thought of this!
I think you mean "You're imbecile!...
Interesting sentence I like it, refering it to a family!
I'm not sure about this sentence, it might be that I just don't understand where you are getting at, is it possible to make this clearer?
Instead of the word 'their' I think his would work better!
Overall I think this is an interesting idea, and you should keep writing, I don't think there is enough information in this chapter, I think it needs to be a little more descriptive at the start.
I like the idea that you use a snake to describe to us what happens interesting concept!
Weird! I liked it. I don't know why. I think it was too short to be a chapter, but it was Ok. I think you should combine it with another chapter, or maybe even a story set up. What are those called... they come before a novel... uh brain fart
Oh well. Use it before, to set up a story, or as a flash back... but it shouldn't be it's own chapter. So small, unless all your chapters are like that. The book Holes' chapters were only a page or so long, and pulled it off. In general, though, longer chapters.
Coolio story, keep it up!