Ermixon

I'll start by saying that i'm no poetry expert but I've singled out the lines that made me stop dead. Overall it's a mixture of strange word choices. The rest ...

> I promised myself that I would get you guys a story for Christmas, I hope you don't mind that it's one day late. Merry (late) Christmas, and enjoy!< ~Prologue~ ...

OK, its a good premise but needs more development. You kind of rush the whole thing, it's all summery. Stuff is happening but the reader isn't made to care because ...

Apep stood against the window of his study in his headquarters in the town hall in Great Yarmouth. He was going to be a dad. His wife had just told ...

as it always was in situations they definitely should not be in ["definitely" is an unnecessary word, if you remove it the sentence will flow better.] It had a sharp ...

I am doing an in text critique, i have emboldened the problem areas and italicized what i think is wrong with them in parenthesses Death Sophie should have known something ...

I find it funny that I submitted a time travel story directly following yours. But your story is really very well written. I only noticed a couple of grammatical errors ...

The figure wore a ankle length jacket (with the collar turned upwards to hide his face), black shoes, and a hat pulled over the top half of his head. parentheses ...

“Okay. Stay calm. I love you.” Because the voice isn't the one that's wounded, i see no reason for his speach to be fragmented this way. Consider changing, to one ...

He gave the orders of the President to the gate keeper, and turned around to face the men and women who, everyone present knew, might never have seen their homes ...

His lower half was like one of the King’s stallions, jet black and well muscled. His upper half was like a man’s, yet with a mane down his back and ...

“But eventually one thing did succeed in taming the chaos of our society, Pam. And that prophetic thing was Softball!” Yobah cheerfully stood up from his seat. “Well that about ...