The Guardians of Raixe

Caestela Watiers trembled with fear as she crouched on the wet ground. Her fingers and lips were dark

purple. The air was extremely frigid. Her only protection from the cold was a scrawny malnourished tree. Her deep blue eyes inspected the barren wasteland. She slowly picked up her walkie-talkie.

“They’re gone.” She muttered into the electronic device.

“Good. Now come home, Stela.” A low-pitched voice responded.

“I’m… wounded. Send a speeder.”Caestela said as she felt the pain of a deep gash on her leg. Her

side was also wounded with the venom of a Red Blade. When the venom kicked in, she would suffer

pain beyond her wildest dreams. She cringed.

“Okay. Stay calm. I love you.” The voice replied. Caestela soon felt the antagonizing pain of the Blade

venom creeping into her system. The blood flowing through her veins burned with agony. She screamed. Her head began to spin. She struggled to keep her eyes open. Within seconds, she tumbled to the ground.

A small speeder soon raced into view. As soon as the speeder came to a stop a tall muscular man in a

red and silver suit jumped out of it.

“Stela!” He shrieked with worry as he spotted her bloody body sprawled out on the ground. He ran to her and held her in his arms.

“Everything will be okay.” He gently whispered in her ear. He delicately stroked her golden hair.

Caestela was experiencing immense pain. Her face was purple and blood was covering every inch of

her body. The tall man acted fast and placed her in the speeder. He began to drive away quickly. He

saw an incoming transmission inside the screen of his speeder waiting to be answered. He answered

the transmission. It was General Bikae.

“Jioran, did you find her?” Bikae spoke through the transmission.

“Yes, she was badly injured by a Red Blade. She is unconscious.” Jioran responded as he turned his

head to make sure Stela was still safe.

“A Red Blade? Ah… the Pataie must have been responsible for this. I’m so sorry your wife happened to

encounter them.

“It’s alright. As long as we get her to a hospital soon she’ll be fine.” Even as Jioran spoke this, a tiny

hint of worry clouded his crystal-like eyes.

“Yes. I’m sure she will be fine. Good luck, Jioran.” Bikae replied.

“Thank you. Good-bye Bikae.” Jioran said. He looked at Caestela again and tears swelled

up in his eyes. He felt guilty for her excruciating pain. He felt guilty for everything. He should have

never let her leave on this mission. It was much too dangerous.

Soon, Jioran could make out the faint lines of the city of Ulej. Its buildings were

exceedingly tall and most of them were covered with a thick layer of a metallic shield. Ulej was home to

the main headquarters of The Guardians of Raixe. They were an organization that was sworn to

protect the citizens of Raixe. Both Jioran and Caestela were members of this organization. Jioran entered the city and sped towards the nearest hospital. His silver speeder glided gracefully

through the crowded streets of Ulej. Jioran’s eyes were fixed on the hospital with determination. He had

to save the person he cared for more than anything in the world. He had to save Stela. Jioran could

feel his heart beat as time passed. He knew it was only a matter of time before his love was gone

from his life… forever. If Caestela ever died, Jioran’s life would end as well.

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
Ermixon
Comment

“Okay. Stay calm. I love you.”

Because the voice isn't the one that's wounded, i see no reason for his speach to be fragmented this way. Consider changing, to one or two full sentences.

“Okay. Stay calm. I love you.” The voice replied. Caestela soon felt the antagonizing pain of the Blade

venom creeping into her system. The blood flowing through her veins burned with agony. She screamed. Her head began to spin. She struggled to keep her eyes open. Within seconds, she tumbled to the ground.

A small speeder soon raced into view. As soon as the speeder came to a stop a tall muscular man in a

red and silver suit jumped out of it.



You need to decide rather or not your story is single spaced, or double spaced. You can't keep switching between the two.


***

On another subject, would you please return the favor and review my story.
It's called Space Adventure: star gauntlet

User avatar
Ermixon
Review
Ermixon wrote a review · Sat May 16, 2009 5:10 pm

“Okay. Stay calm. I love you.”

Because the voice isn't the one that's wounded, i see no reason for his speach to be fragmented this way. Consider changing, to one or two full sentences.


“Okay. Stay calm. I love you.” The voice replied. Caestela soon felt the antagonizing pain of the Blade

venom creeping into her system. The blood flowing through her veins burned with agony. She screamed. Her head began to spin. She struggled to keep her eyes open. Within seconds, she tumbled to the ground.

A small speeder soon raced into view. As soon as the speeder came to a stop a tall muscular man in a

red and silver suit jumped out of it.



You need to decide rather or not your story is single spaced, or double spaced. You can't keep switching between the two.

You also have a problem of placing the first word of sentences at the end of a line of text and then continuing the sentence on the following line. Once or twice is forgivable, however you made a habit of it.

Overall it isn't bad, but you need to fix your formatting errors.



There's a Brazilian things you could write about. You just gotta pick Juan.
— Hattable