Mechanoids (Prologue & part of Chap. 1)

Thanks for the reviews guys, they were both really helpful.

Dragonet wrote:> I promised myself that I would get you guys a story for Christmas, I hope you don't mind that it's one day late. Merry (late) Christmas, and enjoy!<

~Prologue~


The scientist peeked through the curtain and servayed the large crowd. "Good,"[url] he mumbled with pleasure; with all of the people, the auction ought to go well.
[/url](this sentence could go smoother)
At that moment, the man on stage finished his speech and stated, "And now, without further ado, Dr. James R. Cane!" That was his cue. The scientist behind the curtain smiled and straightened his white coat; this was it. Beside him, a small child -about ten years of age- stood quietly and obediently at his elbow.(dashes would look better as commas ) Snatching the child's metallic arm, the doctor ordered it to follow him, and then marched proudly on stage, sure that the child would do as it was told.

Loud applause welcomed the scientist and his prodigy as they both entered. All eyes were trained on the man as he leaned forward, into the microphone. "Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the world's most brilliant robot! I have confidence in announcing that this child before you is, in fact, the best." Doctor James gestured to the child, and the audience, once again, cheered loudly. "Smile," the man mumbled the order out of the side of his mouth. And the child did what it was told; just like it had done for every other command in its life.(This statement seems altogether unnecessary, you should probably lose it )


Dr. James sat at his desk and rubbed his temples; things were not going as planned. A small knock at the door caused him to sigh, "come in."

[url]The handle turned and[/url] (This part represents an unnecessary detail that if cut will make your description smoother ) the door opened to (consider saying "behind it" rather than "the door opened to" which sounds less smooth)another man in a white coat; a colleague named Dr. Wyhit. "China denied?" the man asked, hoping that his information was false. (You probably can cut this, the added explanation of thought distracts from the conversation, if you still want it to come across you can add a line so instead it would say "The rumor is true then, China declined?" or something to that nature )

But the doctor in the chair nodded his head. "China, Russia, The White House, and all rest, the only one we haven't heard from is Australia. No one will take them." The two gentlemen were discussing the sales of, what they once thought, was their greatest achievement: the Mechanoids. Everyone was excited for awhile, and some of the robots even sold, but now the sales had decreased to zero. It had taken very much money for the scientist to create the robots, and even more to perfect them, with the additional coasts of oil that the Mechanoids needed to be supplied with everyday; the scientists were broke and needed to sell their merchandise, but no one was buying.

Dr. Wyhit sighed, "James, we've lost money, lots of it. And we're losing more everyday. If we keep up this way, we won't have enough money to continue with our other experiments. We need to sell them or ditch them."

But James wasn't so willing to give up his dream, "If we just do some tweaking, give them some up-dates, surely they'll sell. People will buy them--"

"James."

The scientist([b]At this point you've established both character names and that both characters are scientists so to refer to him under this context as "the scientist" only serves to confuse the reader, use his name[/b]) looked away and sighed. Just then, the phone on his desk started to ring, the name on the computer flashed 'The Government of Australia'. The doctor lunged for the phone and pressed it against his ear. "Hello?"

The man standing (Same complaint as before, you've established the character's names so please use them rather than weird ambiguous descriptive tags)watched his friend's face as he listened to the phone; it went from hopeful, to unbelief, to discouragement. Finally with a quiet, "Yes. Thank you. Good day," he hung up and turned to him. Shoulders slumped, he said with regret, "Ok, unplug them."
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~Part of Chapter 1~


I'm falling for eternity. My body is throbbing and the back of my neck is crying in pain. Somewhere in the distance below, something is beeping; it's an annoying, eerie, nonstop noise. The further I fall, the louder it gets. Suddenly it stops, and my eyes flash open and I gasp in a huge, shuddering breath. My senses have yet to register, so I lay still and limp. (It will read better if you cut the underlined sections)

Slowly my sight, smell, sound, and feeling return to me. From what my dull senses tell me, I'm enclosed in some sort of box; legs folded against my chest and head bent between my knees; my neck is aching. My dry eyes blink several times but my surrounding stays the same: absolute darkness. I hear sounds -rattling and grunting- but it doesn't make sense. After a few attempts of trying to put the pieces together, I give up.

Suddenly, my box is sliding across the floor, and I give a startled gasp before I think to hold it in. Gravity gives-way and the box begins to tip and sway, and I know I'm being carried. But consciousness is getting weaker and I hardly notice that I'm set down before I hit a wall of darkness.


The pain in my neck wakes me from another dizzy drop. Groaning, I try to shut off my mind as if flipping a switch, but I remain conscious. After a few minutes of just sitting there in pain, I force myself to focus. I needed to figure out some of the questions: why am I here? Where exactly is here? Who am I? And how the heck do I get the pain in my neck to stop?

My mind was thick and all I was getting were fuzzy pictures, but I remembered the basics. I'm a fifteen year old girl, my name is Kaiter -or just 06- and I'm a Mechanoid; a strange creation that was partly mechanical, partly humanoid.

>So, how'd ya like it? Sorry it's so choppy (if you have an idea on how to fix that, let me know). Oh, and I'm thinking about making a StoryBook out of this, so if you liked it, say so and keep a look out in the StoryBook section.<

Hi! I'm Narniafreak!

This was a very interesting piece. I liked the idea of the Mechanoids; they seem cool. I like your descritptions, especially of the pain. You didn't just describe it with dull or boring words, but made it something readers can feel. good job! And the ending section left me hanging with questions and wanting to read more. Great job!

scientist peaked through

"Good," He mumbled with pleasure; with all of the people, the auction aught to go well.

That was his que.

a college named Dr. Wyhit

the scientist were broke and needed to sell

Somewhere in the distance below, something is beeping; an annoying, eerie, nonstop noise.

My dry eyes blink several times but my surrounding stays the same; absolute darkness.