The Beginning of an End

It had been about twenty minutes, and their eyes had not yet parted. A group of the Smallers had gathered around the doorframe in curiosity, little murmurs and questions rippling through them.

“What is that thing?” Melv whispered, wide eyes set upon the large, white creature on the edge of the mattress in the room.

“Shut up Melv!” Atok elbowed him. “It’s obviously important I mean why else would a Mezzo be doing it?” He rolled his eyes, and Ordani, the youngest, tilted her head to the side, admiring the deep, intoxicating blue of the creature’s eyes.

“Especially Etta,” she whispered. For Etta was the deviant of the Mezzos, and the most petite Smallers admired her for it. She was not much bigger than any of them, but she acted like the adventurers that had only been spoken of when Elder Nannahs put them to bed. However, having an oddity such as there was at her feet was peculiar… even for her.

It was Atok’s idea to leave, as it always was in situations they definitely should not be in, and the creature was left alone with the deviant, who was lost in her own thoughts, questioning the beast.

It had a sharp nose, that ended in a dark, moist black, nothing at all like the shades that she adorned to class on weekdays, and eyes such a crystal blue they almost looked as if they weren’t there, making Etta wonder…

What are you? she thought, hoping it would hear. There seemed to be no other way to contact with the thing… whatever it was. It’s mouth was not the same as hers, and nor were its ears. There was long, alabaster hair sprouting all over its body, and she wished to run her fingers through it, telling just by sight that it was not like the dirty copper-colored locks curling down to her shoulders.

Dog. The word just found its way into her inner monologue, and she knew what it meant. This creature was a dog. Her discovery sent a rush of adrenaline through her system, and Etta thought up new questions.

Is that hair? Why is your snout so… pointed? Do you have a name? My name’s Etta… What are you doing here, Dog? And with each question, she got an answer. Within minutes, the knowledge of Dax the Dog, and his fur and pointed snout for hunting, who knew her name and had a purpose, flooded her understanding. Overwhelmed, there was no catching her speaking aloud.

“Oh! Oh but WHY are you here Dax the Dog??” she clambered across the mattress, closer to the creature, anticipation rising with each quick breath. But her only response was the dog standing on it’s four legs, and bounded over to the single glass pane in the room. Cocking his head, the window opened, Dax leaping out into the snow.

“You… want me to go outside?” she whispered, unsure if her voice would be heard. There was the tugging of a yes in the back of her mind. “I suppose I should follow, in that case.” With a shrug, she climbed through the window herself, feet planting with a soft thud into the ice flakes below. It was cold, but this was the reason Dax had came.

Etta follow the dog, through trees and over bushes, until they reached a great circle of ice. She’d never seen such a sight, such beauty in something as basic as frozen water, but whatever was it doing in the middle of the woodlands?

“This is a lake, Etta,” a friendly, yet deep, voice floated over the Mezzo’s head, startling her. Did someone follow her? Frantically, she looked around for the source, only finding Dax seated at her feet.

“Was that you, Dax?” she questioned, barely audible. The animal tipped its snout in confirmation, and stepped carefully upon the ice. Be careful, dog… she bit her lip, imagining the big, soft creature falling into the freezing depths. However, where she expected a CRASH and splashing of water, there was a miniscule glow, a slight ringing. The rubber of her sneakers glided over the frozen lake, and the light was revealed to be a key. Dax barked, causing the deviant child to flinch, and relax with the feeling of cool metal in her grip.

“This is freedom, child,” the voice informed, and Etta knew what it meant. All that she needed was the door…

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
Ermixon
Review
Ermixon wrote a review · Thu Jan 14, 2010 5:46 am

as it always was in situations they definitely should not be in

["definitely" is an unnecessary word, if you remove it the sentence will flow better.]

It had a sharp nose, that ended in a dark, moist black, nothing at all like the shades that she adorned to class on weekdays, and eyes such a crystal blue they almost looked as if they weren’t there, making Etta wonder…


[Super run on sentence here, replace all of your commas with periods.]

There seemed to be no other way to contact with the thing…

["contact" is a word which makes no sense. Try communicate, or alternately eliminating the word "with"]


Etta follow the dog, through trees and over bushes, until they reached a great circle of ice.

[Just a small typo here, it should be followed]


First question, is this the whole story or are you adding to it?
Right now it seems incomplete, we don't know why the dog talks for one thing, is it even really a dog?
For another we are let to know far too little about this world and how it operates. Sure you throw out
all these strange terms that the reader can guess what means but we aren't allowed to know what their significance is, why are they important?
Maybe if you draw out the beginning a bit more. But definitely explain a little more of your world.

User avatar
Ranger Hawk
Review

Hey there, I'm here to review your story!

I like what you have here, it's interesting and entertaining; however, there were quite a few words in there that made it confusing for me; since the reader doesn't know just what all of these creatures are, or what a Mezzo is, etc., it's a little overwhelming to be given all of this information in so short a space.

There were also a couple of things I noticed...

singingsaturdays wrote: It’s #0000FF ">Itsmouth was not the same as hers, and nor were its ears.

But her only response was the dog standing on it’s #0000FF ">its four legs, and bounded over to the single glass pane in the room.


"It's" is the contraction of "It is." A good way to double-check whether you're using the correct form of a contracted word is to read it as the two original words (i.e., "you are" in place of "you're.") If it doesn't make any sense, then you know you've got the wrong spelling, and need to either add or take away the apostrophe, depending on the word you've chosen. :)

However, where she expected a CRASH and splashing of water, there was a miniscule glow, a slight ringing.


You generally don't capitalize to show emphasis, you italicize.


All-in-all, you've written it very well, and I'm looking forward to reading more! :D



If food is poetry, is not poetry also food?
— Joyce Carol Oates