Emerson

I liked it :-) I can't critique poetry at all, and I don't really have anything to pick apart either, because it was so darn good! ...how your left shoulder ...

edit: I missed that you had posted a new version of Chapter 1, but I'll leave what I said anyways, perhaps it will still help. Next time, use the 'edit' ...

That was very beautiful. So this is where the French help was needed? hee oh the path from wrist to throat (the hollow in her elbow, the ridges of collarbones ...

Raised by soft hands, shown the secret scrolls of life by those who themselves did not fully comprehend their value, he learned. I think this should be split into two ...

I feel by body betraying me I think there's a typo here... I really liked it! It could become something nice. The only thing I didn't like was that we ...

I loved this book, and could not put it down! It was pretty good, though at first the '70's slang through me off (I didn't know it was from the ...

Her friends that were once there, has gone to a new place. This sentence starts out plural and ends singular. It should be "Have gone to a new place" or ...

and passed the rest of it to me through the cell bars. Going on from what I said to the last part, THERE ARE CELL BARS?! I'm going to leave ...

Her voice was calm, even. I was surprised to find something I didn't like so soon :-) the way you have even just hanging there sort of made me feel ...

The first paragraph is ok. You start out nicely but then I got lost because it started getting confusing. You never mentioned a music shop, and when you are talking ...

I have to say, I agree with Incan after reading over the poem... The religious theme seems almost forced into the poem, rather than a cute touch that it could ...

This story is meant to be read in one sitting, so seeing as it is meant to be read as a whole I did not break it up into chapters. ...

The man to Travis’ left, perched precariously on the bar stool, was definitely past the stage where coordination blurred into the spasmodic, and nearly over the pearly gates that separated ...

Sam Collins' sand-coloured hair weaved itself through the crowd towards me, my knees shook, my heart raced and I felt sure that if he got any closer I would surely ...

They might as well be real people. I'd like to think all characters could be real people ;-) I've never read it, but I have people telling me to read ...