More more more! Please continue before I die of suspense!
z
Sam Collins' sand-coloured hair weaved itself through the crowd towards me, my knees shook, my heart raced and I felt sure that if he got any closer I would surely faint.
"Are you ok?" the friend at my side asked me brushing her long hair behind her ear, "You look weird."
I sighed, compared to her, I always looked weird; she was beautiful. She had waist length, dark, brown hair and gorgeous, hazel eyes; the only things I had were mousy, short, hair and eyes that could only be described as hospital grey.
"Yes, I'm fine." I replied heavily.
The situation wouldn't have been so bad if it wasn't for the fact, that the boy that was playing my heartstrings like a harp was my friend's boyfriend.
I watched as the couple embraced in the school corridor, feeling my heart sink as my legs threatened to give way.
"Hi Sam." I attempted, blushing scarlet to my cheeks and running my sweaty palms across my thighs.
"Hey." He shot back without taking his eyes from my friend, grinning all the same and melting my heart yet again.
"Don't you have something to do?" my friend asked, widening her eyes in my direction, a signal for me to leave so she and Sam could spend some time together.
"Yes, actually." I replied holding my head up, "I do."
Without waiting for a reply, I turned on my heels and headed off down the corridor, away from the soul-crushingly attractive couple.
When I arrived on the school field I threw my bag to the grass and sat myself down on the muddy hill. I leant back and lay down amongst the blades and closed my eyes, feeling the warmth of the sun from behind my eyelids.
"Hi Faye" came a voice, along with a shadow blocking my sunlight, "How're you?"
I rolled my eyes before opening them, "Hi Matt."
Matthew Collins, Sam's younger brother, in my year and the complete opposite of his older brother; even his appearance was the opposite, where Sam had sandy hair Matt's was dark and Sam's brown eyes were mirrored with Matt's blue ones. The infinite, most stark difference between the two brothers was, Sam was cool, and Matt? Matt was... for lack of another word, Matt was a geek.
"What do you want Matt?" I asked, irritated.
"Nothing." He said sitting down beside me and removing his glasses, "Just wondering how you are."
"I'm fine." I said looking towards him, "Don't I look fine?"
Matt smiled, showing, I noticed for the first time, perfectly straight teeth. I tried to remember whether Sam's teeth were that straight, but I came to the conclusion that they must be, they were brothers after all.
"No," Matt replied, "You don't. What's Wrong?"
I sighed, for what seemed like the thousandth time that day, "Nothing, I like this guy... but he doesn't even know I'm alive."
"Yeah." Matt replied, "I know exactly what you mean." For a moment Matt looked sad before rearranging his face to put the smile back on his lips.
"How would you?" I snapped, "It's not the same."
Matt nodded, "Maybe it's not."
"You know what the worst thing is?" I asked angrily, "The worst thing in the entire world?"
"What's That?"
"I don' t even have a date for the summer disco." I laughed, covering my sadness. The summer disco was the last disco before school broke up for the summer, the biggest social event, and I didn't have a date, it was a disaster.
"You could always go with me!" Matt said, his smile growing wider.
I laughed for a moment before looking at him, "Oh god," I whispered, "You're serious."
He nodded.
I couldn't go with Matt Collins; what would everyone think if I turned up with him at the disco?
"I'm sorry Matt, I can't."
"Why?" He asked, "Because I'm not 'Cool?' "
I shook my head "No-"
"I'll see you later." He said standing up and walking away.
"Matt." I called after him, standing and walking after him, "I'm sorry, I'll go with you."
"You don't have to."
"I want to." I replied, and although I didn't know it then, I really did.
-----------------------
This was written to submit to a magazine competion.
I agree with Claudette. You give away too much stuff and don't really need to. Instead try spacing things out more. And yes, Cassandra, I think it is supposed to be "okay", not "ok".
Keep trying.
Pandora
"Are you ok?"
I sighed, compared to her, I always looked weird; she was beautiful. She had waist length, dark, brown hair and gorgeous, hazel eyes; the only things I had were mousy, short, hair and eyes that could only be described as hospital grey.
Vashman wrote:Sam Collins' sand-coloured hair weaved itself through the crowd towards me, my knees shook, my heart raced and I felt sure that if he got any closer I would surely faint.
Vashman wrote:"Are you ok?" the friend at my side asked me brushing her long hair behind her ear, "You look weird."
Info dump again! Within the first three paragraphs we already know what all three of your characters like. When describing someone, put it in with an action not just flat out description. Before, your friend was brushing her hair back, and so you could say what color it is. But here, you are just telling us. also 'grey' is spelled 'gray' 'Grey' is the last name, 'gray' is the color.Vashman wrote:I sighed, compared to her, I always looked weird; she was beautiful. She had waist length, dark, brown hair and gorgeous, hazel eyes; the only things I had were mousy, short, hair and eyes that could only be described as hospital grey.
Vashman wrote:"Yes, I'm fine." I replied heavily.
The situation wouldn't have been so bad if it wasn't for the fact, that the boy that was playing my heartstrings like a harp was my friend's boyfriend.
I watched as the couple embraced in the school corridor, feeling my heart sink as my legs threatened to give way.
"Hi Sam." I attempted, blushing scarlet to my cheeks and running my sweaty palms across my thighs.
Vashman wrote:"Hey." He shot back without taking his eyes from my friend, grinning all the same and melting my heart yet again.
leant, or rather ending in 't' is the same thing as ending in 'ed' but be consistent. change this to 'leaned' also, keep constant with your tenses (feeling) and watch out for passive voice. (there is a really nice tip someone wrote on this over in the writing tips section.)Vashman wrote:"Don't you have something to do?" my friend asked, widening her eyes in my direction, a signal for me to leave so she and Sam could spend some time together.
"Yes, actually." I replied holding my head up, "I do."
Without waiting for a reply, I turned on my heels and headed off down the corridor, away from the soul-crushingly attractive couple.
When I arrived on the school field I threw my bag to the grass and sat myself down on the muddy hill. I leant back and lay down amongst the blades and closed my eyes, feeling the warmth of the sun from behind my eyelids.
What do you mean by 'in my year'?Vashman wrote:"Hi Faye" came a voice, along with a shadow blocking my sunlight, "How're you?"
I rolled my eyes before opening them, "Hi Matt."
Matthew Collins, Sam's younger brother, in my year and the complete opposite of his older brother; even his appearance was the opposite, where Sam had sandy hair Matt's was dark and Sam's brown eyes were mirrored with Matt's blue ones. The infinite, most stark difference between the two brothers was, Sam was cool, and Matt? Matt was... for lack of another word, Matt was a geek.
Points: 990
Reviews: 122
Donate