Well, the useal I guess Brad, well done descriptions etc. For some reason I didn't like the 2 line structure and the way you cut off the sentences in order to put them in the other stanza, well maybe that's the reason you posted this in "Other Poetry"
You explain your affection really well
and all I knew was your walk, the way
your legs spread far apart, how your
of your mind? I used to talk to you
from inside my frame. Tonight,
there’s a tall blonde shuffling
your window blinds, the light inside
sliding back and forth like a discotheque.
She doesn’t know two days ago I peeled out
and smeared my legs to your temples;
doesn’t know that you stopped speeding
out the neighborhood; doesn’t know
you shut the lights down so I wouldn’t see.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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I looked up discotheque. So it's a fancy word for a disco nightclub? I would think that the light would slide back and forth like IN a discotheque, but of course, this is poetry and you don't have to do that. Discotheque is a lovely, intelligent-sounding word, but I felt that it really didn't have a purpose in that sentence other than to sound smart.
Nice poem - took me several reads to fully digest it.
Happy Chanukah from your friendly neighborhood ex-Christian atheist,
Colleen
Nice poem I enjoyed it, very descriptive as if like a stalker in detailed perception.
Congradulations
Keep writing and =) happy reading (=
Incandescence,
I think you are the best writer on this site. The poems I read in my Norton Anthology Of Poetry are about how 'anyone lived in a pretty how town...', ''My love is like a red, red rose...', ' so much depends upon a red wheelbarrow...' etc. Maybe you could try to focus more on your ideas than your feelings. Please don't hate me. -London
I liked it
I can't critique poetry at all, and I don't really have anything to pick apart either, because it was so darn good!
I liked this part the most.
I wish I could write poetry... I think I'm going to try and learn how to write poetry