Boni_Bee

This was interesting. The sentances need to be broken up into paragraphs, especially the dialogue, as it makes it very hard to read, otherwise. It was very abrupt, and not ...

A good start, but everything moved along really quickly. She went from being a little 6yr old (?) to more like an eight or nine year old. I liked the ...

“Master Jon, is it time for my studies again?” said the little boy , still dressed in his night clothes. The long white robes glided on the clean marble below ...

What J.Haux said. It was an interesting story, but you didn't explain much about the characters, and it sort of jumped around a bit, and you need some sort of ...

I like this :D It doesn't have as much emotion as I would like it to, and Gavan seems a bit too serious, although caring. I like the plot, and ...

Yeah, the 'with' made it a bit broken, but the rest was good!!! You sort of repeated yourself, but with different words, but it didn't really ruin it. Some of ...

Yeah, I agree about the first two lines, they turned me off, but I decided to keep reading anyway. Actually, the whole first stanza doesn't ryme.... The rest was great!!! ...

Chapter Eight Landon turned the camera on and they started down the steep hill. “And we’re off on a midnight journey into the woods,” he said dramatically behind the camera. ...

Athen Symphonic music played throughout the off-white marble halls. The men in the dark blue coat-tails played furiously at a fast paced song. The 'fast paced song' doesn't really, fit....maybe ...

I agree with Qi on the crits....it's too short and full of description, and it didn't have any impact on me at all, it was rather boring, hearing about all ...

This is interesting, although it made me think that what would happen with the rest of the story is that all she would do is get wise, and nothing would ...

Cool :) This needs a bit more work on description, but the dialogue is pretty good, although I don't think you need to suggest that they are going to do/see ...

I love this!!!!!! :D I think the idea is great, and apart from a couple of lines, I really like it!!!! What an awesome poem! And listened to their song. ...

Interesting.....no...Intreaguing... :D I like this, although you spent more time on description, rather than dialogue, and I think you almost over did it.... I prefer it when you make any ...

Another good chapter :) I think you spent too much time on dialog though, but it was ok. The last line was could have been mane a bit more interesting/full ...