Young Writers Society

hi,
its nice when your poem is read by so many people and even better when they criticise it. it helps you assess how much you have been able tio convey to your readers and i m glad that i got your valuable comments. basically what i get from all the crit on this piece so far is that its imagery has been something everyone liked. i m happy for it. and i will definitely try to mprovise on that skill to get better.

keep smiling! keep reading 'n' writing!
-torsa

That gave me some really nice images. I thought there was a pretty nice rhythm. Good work!

thanx for all your comments. i will keep the criticism in my mind when writing a new poem.


torsa

hmm.. definately flows well, and sounds nice. now for critique mode (yes, mostly opinion, as I can't claim to know that much about poetry). my comments in green (this is my prefered style of critiquing, if you don't wish me to do so, just tell me).



Torn apart by the gust of rollicking wind
Hanging like a twitched thread of a sail,
Swaying to the command of the breeze,
Dancing to the flute of oar’s beat,
Life progresses here with. what's with the "with"? it makes no sense to me. ok. taking a wild guess here and saying the metaphor used here is life. goodie. what you've said is very nice, but I think it lacks substance. you have just visions. visisons are good. poetry and images go well, but that's all you have. judging by the next stanza, you're showing constants though change..

The summer passes into winter still.
But the warmth never leaves,
The zest for life moves through troughs and crests-
Keeping me bewitched;
Whenever the oar touches the river
Of boundless melody beneath. pretty, but what's the point? It would not suprise me in the least if I'm missing the point entirely as I don't know you well, and often truer meanings can be found in knowing the writer.. but your point seems made in the first few lines; the rest are superflous.

The symphony as ripple dashes against, the rusty boat,
But cleans it, washes it, loves it forth.
This rider’s endless journey a lifetime beseech-
The thirst is quenched by the watery trench,
Of dedicated soul- rich. why is the hyphon there? just wondering.. it seems stange to me becuase of the space (but that's me being annoyingly nit-picky.. I know i usually am, but rather over-the-top, I guess). now. shyphony and ripple together can make sense figuratively, but not in the very well so in the context in which you present them here. That's what I got from that, maybe that's not what you mean, but that's how it reads to me. Also, this stanza seems disjointed..the thoughts don't seem to go together

And whenever monsoon sets by god’s grace
The amount of love and joy has no trace…
In a long year life gets to wet,
With little silvery evaporated musical stream’s droplet,
For life so close is the farthest from the river
Destiny is life’s endless driver.

Most fortunate is the sailor.
He sails through melody-the eternal river.
And this sail’s thread stares and still thirsty
Prays to tear and fall on the stream.
For there as much you drown you bounce to life,
As much you get drenched, you learn to love and sing.

ok, I'll stop there with my nit-picks, as they are mostly the same (good for you, constiant). Now. I generally like poetry to be one way, and heaven knows it's very rare I read something and it's written exactly the way I want it to be written. this is beautifully narrative, and has some very nice images, but I tend to look for more substance (ugh. bad word choice. double-entranda is better, and no, I can't recall how to spell that..) in writing. so yes, anything I say is opinion, and annoyingly so. I like this as it is. last stanza is the best, by far. it has a meaning to it, that I can see. last line not so much, but again, that's a personal dislike of saying things a certian way. overall, nicely done

thank you for your response!

well i am happy that you all liked the poem and i will take care to check out on the faults that you all mentioned. as for rhyme, i didnot try to have a definite rhyming scheme for this one and wanted it to flow completely without strict metre.

thanx once again!

-torsa

The point was sort of repeated and such, but all in all it was one of the most beautiful poems I've ever read - it had rhythm, it was beautiful in imagery and certainly made sense. I don't know whether you worked at this or if it came natrually, but the flow is so nice that I can only assume that you have a true talent for this. Congratulations and please, please keep reading. The word needs more work like yours.

Yeah, the 'with' made it a bit broken, but the rest was good!!! You sort of repeated yourself, but with different words, but it didn't really ruin it. Some of the lines rymed and the rest didn't..... But...It's quite nice

Wow...
Man, this was beautiful... I'm serious. This was beautiful.

For there as much you drown you bounce to life,
As much you get drenched, you learn to love and sing.

That was my favorite part....

One thing I didn't get was the last line of the first stanza that ended with the word WITH.
I didn't understand that, but otherwise it was beautiful.
Beautiful.