z

Young Writers Society



Prologue. Once on a Blue Moon

by 4evadreamin


“They’ve got him Linda! They’ve got the King!”

“How long have they had him?” she asked urgently.

“A good few hours. We were dying to tell, you but you were gone for so long,” the girl said excitedly, “You’re not going to believe it Linda, he’s such a wimp. He’s blaming his wife! He reckons the Queen put him up to it!”

Linda raised her eyebrows. The King didn’t sound like much of a man, blaming his wife… She’d soon see for herself.

“Oh, but Linda,” the child said, losing her excited tone and sounding slightly scared. She admired the beautiful widow but was also quite frightened of her.

“What?”

“Don’t be mad. It’s just that they’ve knocked him around a little bit,” she said timidly.

“I’ll kill them. I’ll bloody kill them,” she flung down her bags and stormed towards a small group of men who were sneering insults at a dark figure doubled over on the ground, groaning as they kicked spat upon him.

“I specifically told you not to hurt him, Bisset,” she shouted furiously, “how can you expect them to treat us with respect if we go around beating up their Royalty?”

The man she had addressed looked down and muttered nervously under his breath.

There was something oddly familiar about the man lying crippled on the ground. He was broad shouldered and looked strong and powerfully built beneath the beautifully crafted, gleaming armour he was wearing. He may have been handsome, but Linda couldn’t tell because his face was so purple and swollen. He wore an expression of utter bewilderment as he muttered to himself. “No… no, it can’t be. She’s dead, she’s gone.”

Somehow the battered man managed to get to his feet. As he looked at the woman before him, his mouth hung open. He stared deep into her eyes, deeper than anyone had done in a very long time.

Though his face was almost too bruised to be recognisable, Linda could see his eyes. Those eyes she knew so well, intense and sparkling blue. She had dreamed of them, she had hoped beyond hope that one day she would see them again. Yet there wasn’t any hope, not even a glimmer of it. The owner of the eyes had perished…

“Oy! Don’t you goggle at her like that!”

Normally Linda would have silenced the man who had spoken, but her mind was numb. Every part of her was frozen; frozen in part fear and part delight in what she was seeing. He reached out to touch her face…

“Don’t touch her you scumbag!”

Matthew Kirkham was in love with Linda Jade. Everyone knew that. He hated the way this enemy was looking at her and the way she way looking back. He drew back his fist as the King tried to touch her and hit him with the hardest blow he had ever given in his life.

“No!” Linda screamed, although not in her usual commanding voice. She sounded panicked and generally concerned for the man who had already recieved a lifetimes worth of battering that night. The King staggered and fell back to the ground. Quick as a flash Linda was there with him, down on her knees. She held his head in her arms and smoothed back his short dark hair.

“Eddie… Eddie is that really you?” she whispered, her voice shaking, “I’ve missed you so much…”

Matthew Kirkham was devastated. It was Eddie who had stood in the way of him and Linda for years. Linda was a widow; no matter what anyone said or did she wanted to always remain that way. She never wanted to be married again. Her Eddie was simply irreplaceable… It couldn’t be though, not the King surely…

“Eddie, I don’t understand… They said you were dead.” she said, tearfully.

“They said you were. That’s the only reason I married her. I didn’t even know her, the first time we met was at the altar. I would have searched for you Linda. I’d have never stopped searching if I thought you were alive.”

“Can you stand up?” Linda said, pulling him to his feet, “Would you give us some privacy?”

The rebels muttered amongst themselves.

"It couldn't be could it?"

“Linda, is that…?”

Linda ignored them. She took Eddie’s arm and helped him hobble towards her cabin.

Joy’s eyes flashed dangerously.

“Galileo!” she screamed.

“W-w-w-what is it your highness?” the star-gazer stuttered.

“You said my husband killed the rebels; you said the filthy rebels were dead. You lied to me didn’t you? You’re a liar,” she ranted, “I can have you killed Galileo, I can have you hung for treason.”

“Y-y-your highness, please. The Stars say he’s on his way to the palace now. They say that he didn’t murder but that he ordered his men to. The part of his soul that resides in his Star is reeking of guilt ma'am. There is no doubt that all of the rebels, including women and children, are dead. Your highness, I even felt a few of their Stars go out,” Galileo protested weakly.

“I sent my Orb to Edward and he is presently in a filthy rebel hut, covered from head to foot in bruises and talking to some rebel woman. So don’t go on lying to me!” she spat, sounding disgusted that her own husband would be in such company.

“But that is impossible. The Stars do not lie,” he answered, bewildered.

Joy held out her hand, palm upwards and closed her eyes. A shimmering image materialised, hovering above her hand. It was a perfect sphere, purple in colour, dancing along the inside of her hand. Joy’s fingers, which had been curled around the sphere, sprang outwards suddenly and the sphere shattered. The pieces began to form a picture.

It showed a dingy little room, and everything seemed to be crammed into it. A small bed, a table, a stove, a fire, a few mismatched chairs… In the centre of the room stood two people. One of them Galileo recognised instantly as King Edward, Joy’s husband. He was purple with bruises but he didn’t seem to be worrying about them. The other was a raggedly dressed woman with pretty dark eyes, long dark hair and an inner beauty that he knew Joy would never achieve. Joy was stunning, but in a way completely different from the rebel woman. Edward and the woman weren’t speaking, they were simply looking at each other, but the way they were looking suggested that this was not their first meeting. Love was evident in both of their eyes and a sob escaped from the rebel woman lips as tears spilled from her eyes. In an instant they were locked in a tight embrace.

Joy was in a rage. She didn’t care whether or not the Stars said what he was doing. That woman would pay. She would pay a thousand times. Joy destroyed the image and began shrieking out orders.


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Wed Oct 12, 2005 3:32 am
J. Haux says...



I think when you're hurling every five minutes, it's the perfect time for editing...this neglectance is shameful!

!

None of us expect you to edit when you're ill. Sleep. Rest. Sip lots of healthy beverages and chicken broth. Get better, feel better, all that jazz.




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Tue Oct 11, 2005 11:06 pm
4evadreamin says...



Again, I need to do some editing. It is midnight though. It's so annoying, I fell asleep as soon as I got home from school because I was ill, I woke up at nine o' clock and now I can't sleep. :evil: I'm not happy :evil: No time for editing tonight. Thanks for reading though, I'll work on it soon, promise!




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Tue Oct 11, 2005 12:36 am
J. Haux says...



You'd think they'd pick it up on Microsoft Word wouldn't you?
I think one reason for that is that, for example, "She ranted" is a genuine sentence all by itself. So Microsoft Word wouldn't pick it up. It sees a regular sentence. Also, "You are a horrid, wretched woman." That could be by itself, and Microsoft wouldn't catch that either. So it would see "You are a horrid, wretched woman." and 'She ranted.' But anyway, I think it's a fairly easy thing to remember, once you get the hang of it. :D

(Please post some of your fantasy, I'm curious!)
I'm embarrassed because, truthfully, I have been afraid to post anything. I am in a rut as far as self-confidence in writing goes. I have spent years writing several bits and pieces of stories, but not really put them together (only one, and I've been neglecting it due to writers block). But maybe I'll post some, or PM you snippets of stuff. I read a lot of fantasy, and am deadly afraid of cliches. It's a paranoia, that I am incapable of original thoughts because I've absorbed so many other ideas. But...Nevermind. I'm rambling. :D I'll try to post some stuff.

you need some sort of line break between parts.

I've seen books that have the double space between sections like you did, so it should be alright the way it is, but in this format, you may want to put a small line or something. Woah, big run-on sentence. Whoops.




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Mon Oct 10, 2005 10:10 pm
Boni_Bee wrote a review...



What J.Haux said.
It was an interesting story, but you didn't explain much about the characters, and it sort of jumped around a bit, and you need some sort of line break between parts.
I'm looking forward to the next chapter :)




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Mon Oct 10, 2005 9:08 pm
4evadreamin says...



That really helped, a lot. I had no idea about the punctuation in dialogue was supposed to be like that... All the adults on writing.com who've reviewed this and they've never mentioned it. Thanks, I'll make those changes straight away. You'd think they'd pick it up on Microsoft Word wouldn't you? I like your ideas about the begining, you see, it started off with the second scene at the start, which is quite catchy, but a few people said I should swap it around... I'll work on this when I get a chance. Thank you so much.

(Please post some of your fantasy, I'm curious!)




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Mon Oct 10, 2005 8:54 pm
J. Haux wrote a review...



First of all, I'm going to warn you that I'm a hard critic. I try to help though. :D

Fantasy: ah...now that's my thing (I think). I think you've got a lot of good ideas. Mostly I feel like I'm in the dark. One thing that's missing is bringing us INTO the story. When you started out with dialogue, I didn't know who was talking, or what was going on. Give a little description about our setting, let the reader know where it's taking place. Is this in the rebel camp? I didn't know they were rebels until you said something about it later. Linda was away? Did she just come back? You could describe her coming into the camp, or something. I think you could do a little more in that aspect.

Now for some grammar things. I tell this to everyone, because I think grammar is important, and this is one thing I know. Dialogue Punctuation!!! I feel like I point this out on almost every story. In fact, I think it's a lesser known point of grammar...

For example:

“How long have they had him?” She asked urgently.
You're connecting the dialogue with "she asked urgently". You're not starting a new sentence, so "she" is not capitalized.

Also:
“Don’t be mad. It’s just that they’ve knocked him around a little bit.” She said timidly.
The period at the end of her sentence would be a comma. Why? Because you're still connecting the sentences. It would be "Don't be mad. It's just that they've knocked him around a little bit," she said timidly.

It would be a period when, as you have here:
“I’ll kill them. I’ll bloody kill them.” She flung down her bags and stormed towards a tight group of men who were sneering insults at a dark figure, who was doubled over and groaning as they kicked him spat at him.
"She flung down her bags..." is another sentence, so the period remains.

This has a lot of potential, but it's in its rough stage. keep working. :D

And thanks for looking at my poems. I hope I helped a little. I think you could really make this into something great!





The only way of knowing a person is to love them without hope.
— Walter Benjamin