I wasn't feeling very creative when I wrote this but heres what i have for the next part. Feel free to tell me if it is really horrible because I intend to revise it.
The girl fell for many lifetimes, and was eventually no longer a girl. She had become a goddess of knowledge, the wisest ever to live, if living is a correct term. On this quest for the ultimate knowledge, she had sacrificed her own soul. Now she continued to fall, continuously gaining wisdom and knowledge. But some things were best left unknown. She delved too far into the pit of no return. The dark knowledge of Mephistophilis ebbed from the inky black all around her, and in turn, she consumed it whole. She let out a horrific laugh, which went unheard, for there were no ears to hear. Basking in what she had finally reached, the goddess let her mind drift endlessly. Unfortunately for her, at that moment, she passed from the darkness of the rift into a land of harsh reality.
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Canary word: Present
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I agree with Qi on the crits....it's too short and full of description, and it didn't have any impact on me at all, it was rather boring, hearing about all the wisdom she was getting......
I'm waiting to see what this develops into, it will probably sound better when its all together
Qi is right. When you have something this short, then you should probably put the chapters together since it's easier to keep track of. Or, why can't you post the link in the first part of this showing where the rest of it is?
Anyway, an interesting fairy tale. A little cliched (look for it carefully) but short. Shortness is cool. It could be shorter though. There's some parts in there that are repetitious and annoying. More on that later -- I have to get off.
i'm not bickering... does it sound like im bickering, so sorry if it does.
Then hang on to it, until you have everything ready.
And in the future, when someone is just trying to HELP YOU, don't badger them for doing so. Accept it as constructive criticism, which it IS, and move on. You even asked us for criticism, not only did you post it here, but you say in your post that you want us to criticise it. Well, there you go, I did, and now your bickering with me. What the hell? Take it like a man dude.
If i had posted the second part along with the first part, i dont think many people would care to look at it if they had already seen the first part.
Then post them together, instead of seperating them and making me believe you just want to raise your post count.
As I said before, its an excerpt. And of course, it would help to read the part 1.
This is an interesting study in descriptive elements. But as far as creative writing goes, its pretty far down the line. Its short, only one paragraph. You don't raise many questions, and as a result, have none to answer. I don't feel pulled into this. While it is, for lack of a better word, interesting, I don't feel any reason to care about the charachter. This event happened, that's all we know. I feel it could become something very intriguing, but as it is, its just too short.
Ahem, anymore comments would be appreciated...
Interesting.