Billy

I like the idea of magic being uncontrollable, it's much more believable than the typical version where everything goes to plan because the user said something and waved their hands. ...

The main problem I saw with this is that you opened in first person and then changed to third person straight away. You should keep the perspective the same throughout ...

First of all, this needs to be spaced out more. You need more paragraphs and you need to leave a line between each one. Start a new paragraph when you ...

It's good, but she seemed to just be overreacting when she'd been pretty happy with everything beforehand, and she'd been able to put up with the shrinks. –I hate this ...

First things first: you need to go into a little more depth with your characters, give the reader an idea of what they look like. You don't need to go ...

As Seraph said, you need to expand on this, give the reader an idea of what kind of person the character is, aside from 'a nobody'. The kind of book ...

This just keeps getting better and better. ^^ Getting out of the house, wasn’t a major problem either. You don't need a comma here. It is currently shoved in the ...

Can't wait to see what happens next. and I just got shot in the foot not to mention being you’re senior officer, so we stop You should have a comma ...

First of all, you need more spacing. Start a new paragraph when you start a new idea, i.e. when you go from describing her attacker to talking about a dark ...

It's good to see she's returned to her rebelliousness. Night Mistress already picked up on the Rio thing, so I'll just go through the rest. “Hey, Kids how was the ...

Interesting beginning, I'd like to see where you go with this. We’re in Mexico in a village that is a few miles away from a bog where a lone tower ...

Interesting story, I'd like to see where you go with this. and set in on the ivory coffee table. You mean it . wearing thick shades that covered their eyes ...

It was good, I was just a little confused when you changed her name to Lona, and how her personality completely changed after the challenge. I'm with Gryphon there, it ...

You've really got me thinking now. There were just a couple of things I wasn't sure about. And humans with lots of little letters after their names I'm guessing you ...

I like where this is going, I'll look forward to reading chapter two. Just a couple of mistakes in here though, I think they're mostly typos. Series M-9, where never ...