(If this should be in Fantasy, please move it. I wasn't sure where to put this.)
My name is Morgan Leben. I died at the age of twenty-two yesterday. Now I find myself in a world strange and cruel, unlike any I have known. What you have perceived as God, as the Almighty, as the highest deity, is one of the most elaborate lies the world has yet to see. True, this deity exists, but not as the loving and compassionate force in the universe that so many have faith in. He, It rather, is a tyrant who rules the otherworld with an iron fist. Heaven is not truly what it seems...You'll see soon enough.
The last thing Morgan saw was the glimmering light of the elusive surface of the water, beckoning to her, mocking her. She sank farther and farther away from it, knowing all the while that she was drowning. Slowly blackness closed in on her, and she saw the world of the living no more.
* * *
Morgan opened her eyes, seeing nothing but swirling fog all around her. As she walked onward, human forms started materializing in the dim light. They too, looked bewildered, as if they couldn't grasp why they were here. Morgan knew she had died, but was surprised to find herself actually seeing an afterlife of sorts. Herself, she didn't believe the spirit went anywhere when it died, but she accepted what was happening to her at the moment without protest. She searched through her memories to recall her life, but found that none were there at all. Surprisingly, she was not alarmed. Her previous life seemed to have washed away in the waters that had drowned her, never to be heard of again.
A menacing iron gate came into view, and Morgan slowly gravitated toward it, drawn by some unseen force. The crowd of people grew larger and larger, all moving in the same direction. Morgan heard the sound of rough voices, presumably the gate's guards, calling out commands to each other.
"This one's a blasphemer!"
"A sinner, sir, a sinner! Throw 'em downstairs!"
"You, ma'am, you ma'am, may pass, and receive your eternal life."
"Picked the wrong deity to worship, didn't you?"
Morgan grew slightly afraid as she drew closer to them, realizing that yes, this was indeed the same eternal judgment she said she didn't believe in. As she reached the gate, one guard grabbed her by the color, sizing her up.
"You're a pretty one, girlie...but I see you're a skeptic. Didn't even believe in Heaven, did you? Sorry, beautiful, but my orders say that your kind isn't allowed here..." the guard sneered, running a hand through her long and tangled red hair. "I'm sure they'll appreciate a young virgin like you down there..." The guard steered Morgan toward the gates, but turned suddenly toward a dark staircase that led downward. She found she couldn't protest or object, only move where the guard told her.
"You're stuck in the basement, gorgeous...though it is a pity. Oh well." The guard shoved her roughly down the staircase, and she heard the screams of others following behind her. She did not speak however, still trying to grasp that she had been condemned to a hellish afterlife.
She ran haphazardly down the staircase as if drawn on a leash, and after what seemed like an hour, found herself at the bottom. The force that had seemed to grip her for so long finally relinquished its hold on her body, and she could move freely again. Morgan looked around, blinking at what seemed to be a poverty stricken slum. What, had she expected fire and brimstone? This was hardly her image of hell; it looked more like the poorest part of the inner city. Exhausted, faded people, many of them elderly, lay against the buildings as if they were homeless.
Morgan felt someone grab her arm and whirled around. She found herself face to face with yet another guard, this one smiling at her.
"Ah, so you're a newcomer..." He gazed at her, blinking. "It's not often there's someone as young as you down here...You'll soon find that you will hate this place. Well, I suppose that's what you get for doubting our Ruler. This is Hell, you know." He smiled again at her, and Morgan felt herself grow sick inside.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Whoops, that was a typo I didn't notice. Thanks for telling me that. I'm glad you like it, and I'll tell you when the next part's done.
The main problem I saw with this is that you opened in first person and then changed to third person straight away. You should keep the perspective the same throughout the story.
Did you mean to repeat the "You, ma'am" thing here? It just seemed a little unnecessary to me the second time.
You mean the "collar".
The ellipses seem out of place here - they're generally used to represent something missing from a quote, or just a pause, but I can't see why the guard would pause there.
All in all, it was pretty good. There weren't many mistakes that I picked up on, and I liked the way you changed the perceptions of Heaven and Hell, particularly the part about Hell being a slum. I'd like to see where you go with this. PM me when the next part's done.
-Billy