Ares

Interesting. Seems like a pretty cool beginning. If you're taking the story seriously though, you may want to shift the tone a little bit and make it a shade darker. ...

Yea, Fanfiction is like a dead board or something. Anyways, space it all out, Maybe lightly revise by yourself. Try to use shorter sentences during the fight, that might add ...

Horror forum? How about the Dark Elite UG? But about the story, I'm a little sad. I kept thinking you were gunna have a furby killing spree. Where the fury ...

My Angel I watched, wide-eyed in fear as the angel descended upon me. He was beautiful--more beautiful than anything [s]I’ve[/s] I'd ever seen [s]before[/s]. His features [s]are[/s] were flawless an

I like sharks I like sharks And money And money I'm so rich I own a shark Someday I'm going to overtake Animal Planet And make SHARK YEAR Because Shark ...

It was a sleepy September [s]Monday[/s] morning [s]in September[/s] when Joy [s]Montane[/s] unlocked the door to a deli she and her sister, Linda, worked in. The air was slightly chilled ...

When I went to a Seneca College campus just north of Toronto to do an admissions test for the veterinary technician program Run on! --- Now, ok, I like the ...

If you're gunna rhyme at the end, rhyme the whole time. Also, in this is information going down the drain. Information is a bad word to use. Other than that, ...

In the seventh paragraph She wasn’t quite sure what would happen as the end result of all this waiting, but she fantasized it would be big. A lot of lgiht. ...

He was running through the underbrush. The wind was strong and unrelenting, [s]seemingly[/s] taking direction from the overbearing rain. Everything was wet, which made it virtually impossible for him

I read this at TSR and critiqued it there but I think you've revised it since then sooooo here ya go He moaned incoherently That was a little odd...also, the ...

some forty-five paces above Change that in the beginning. Paces is an odd measuring unit the way you used it. ---------- And I think you should've stuck with 3rd person ...

Anthony Simmons trudged through the snow, glancing up on occasion to glare at the Christmas decorations [s]that surrounded him[/s] surrounding him . The blow-up Santas and Rudolphs mocked him with ...

The Government probably would've disabled the computers, so Reuben wouldn't have been able to do that. Apart from that, you over use the word WIRE way too much, and the ...

shaking my head to shake free the droplets inching down my face --Change it. --May I suggest shaking my head to rid my hair of the sweat droplets, or somehting ...