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Young Writers Society



Phenomenon

by Stevie


This is probably fall under some other category, after the first few chapters. -So mods please move if you feel the need-

NOTE: The Prologue is based off of a music video by the band Kutless. (The song is 'Shut Me Out')

Also This story used to be Life's Story (found here: viewtopic.php?p=116971&highlight=#116971) the two are so different that you wouldn't think they were the same thing. - I thought I'd just mention that :)

Phenomenon

Prologue

The town was old and forgotten; newspapers dating back to 2002, the year before the town was evacuated, blew in the wind only to be caught in the corners or Alleys. It had rained only the day before and the water collected in puddles along the street, giving the town an after rain glumness look. The floor in the General store was caked in dust, the seats in the Movie Theater had moth holes the size of golf balls, and worst of all the church had burnt marks around the door and windows - the inside being complete ash. When Flynn first saw this place he didn't like it; it looked like a ghost town. Another town destroyed by the Government, he had thought.

It was a shame, but despite the condition of the town, he knew that the old ware house at the end of the Main Street was a perfect headquarters. The town still held the look of a ghost town but Flynn and his buddies had made it a home for themselves. Now Flynn walked down the streets, he couldn't lie; he knew he would miss the town. It had been a home away from home, a home he couldn't go back to ever again. He readjusted the wires on his shoulder. Today was the day; he couldn't turn back after this.

He got to the ware house door, before opening it he looked around and watched the town again. There wasn't much to watch, but home is home and he had to keep the memory alive in his mind. He opened the door after a few minutes and was met by his best friend, Devin.

"Flynn, they're coming." He said he didn't have to say anything else. Flynn knew exactly what he was talking about. Flynn gave him two thick rolls of wire.

"How much time do we have?" Flynn asked.

"Trey says they will be here 15 minutes after we plug in the first wire." Devin replied, before they both took off running. Flynn headed towards the power source; a large metal box fasten to a pole. He plugged in one end of the wire to the side of a metal box.

They had spent months setting up this system; it seemed more confusing now when he was racing against the clock. Trey had made them memorize the system and it helped ease the pressure. With minutes to spare he flipped the red switches left and the green right. Then he ran to the other end of the ware house leaving a trail of wire behind him. He climbed up a set of stairs, laying down the rest of the wire was easy.

- - -

Trey looked out of the window of the top floor of the ware house, he watched as police cars, SWAT cars and black Government cars drove through the construction five miles from the town. He quickly turned around and turned on a metal box, it hummed and then lit up.

It was very old equipment, and no one in there right mind would have bought it, but Trey was in a desperate situation. The new stuff would have gotten contacted The Government faster. He took the wire off the box and led it to the center of the floor where Flynn and Devin's wire would run out. Then he ran to the roof, where Foster and Asher were waiting for him.

- - -

Reuben watched as the five teenagers set up the wires from a distance. Flynn had told him that morning to go back to The Academy hours ago, but Reuben didn't listen. He needed to be there, hidden, in case the mission failed. He knew how to finish the wires, and to send the message Trey had taught him. And that was good enough for him. Reuben ran up the stairs to the next floor following a route he knew the others wouldn't.

- - -

Just one more floor, Flynn thought. As he went thought the last door, half-way through the floor he ran out of wire.

"I don't have time for this!" Flynn yelled in frustration. Then he heard the sound of wood breaking, and some distant yelling. He dropped the wire in surprise -they were on there way- he quickly bent down to pick up the end of the wire then stopped. Another wire was laying heading across the floor.

"Trey, you are brilliant!" He said connecting the wires and then he ran across the floor. At the other end of the floor he picked up two rolls of wire at the end of the stairs; one of which was connected to the last metal box. He put one over one shoulder and started laying the other wire up the stairs and onto the roof. Where Foster, Asher, Devin and Trey were waiting for him.

"Trey, you are a genius." Flynn said throwing him one of the wires and making his way around Asher to a plug. Asher and Devin where flipping switches like crazy and plugging in wires, while Foster was typing away on an old laptop.

"I know." Trey replied connecting the wires that Flynn had just given him.

"OK the message is ready to be sent!" Foster said. Trey's hand was half way to the power plug when the door was busted open. They all watched as the ten SWAT team members entered the roof; they felt like they had lost a race by an inch.

"Everyone Freeze!" said a man in a black suit. There was no point in him saying this, the five teenagers were already frozen looking at the SWAT team and the man in the suit. They hadn't expected this big of a show. "Well, well, well. Look at what we have here. Some Fishies caught on a roof after a flood?"

Flynn could have sworn he heard the click of a computer mouse as the man said this. Foster must have sent the message, a lot of good it would do without the computer being plugged into the network. Or Foster knew something he didn't.

"Oh look what we caught, the oh-so famous Mr. Dare." said one of the SWAT team members walking behind Flynn. Keeping his gun pointed. The other nine SWAT members laughed.

- - -

Fifteen minutes later Flynn and the Fishers sat in the back of a SWAT car. We were so close! Just that one plug and we could have done it! He thought sighing, taking off his wool hat.

"Prisoners apprehended." the man in the black suit said into a walkie-talkie. Someone replied to him on the other end, but Flynn couldn't hear what it was. "We're bringing them back to bas-" At that moment some SWAT members closed the doors. Seconds later they heard the engine start, and felt a jolt as they began to move.

Flynn bowed his head, closed his eyes and began to pray -- This was it.

- - -

Reuben watched the SWAT team from a safe distance. He waited for the last car to leave before walking onto the roof. A light breeze felt cold against his face. He plugged in the last plug then watched as the computer screen turned black and a green loading bar blinked on and of.

Z: // Truth Message Sent _


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Thu Jul 27, 2006 1:56 am
stilltyping wrote a review...



I like this. It has the potential to be a very intriguing prologue. But...

You introduce a lot of names, but don't describe the poeple behind them at all. I understand you are trying to set a quick pace- and that is no time for meticulous character studies. Small specifications can be made, though, just to help the reader remember who did what. You could refer to one of the names as the youngest or the oldest, if seniority is a big deal in the abandoned town. You could briefly allude to differences the characters may have encountered earlier, are there tensions? Anything to add meaning to the names we hear. Im curious about Reuben as well: is he a younger brother figure, or an older protector?


He readjusted the wires on his shoulder.



I may just be simple, but that line led me to believe Flynn was a robot for a paragraph or two.

Trying to follow the wire through stairways and corridors and all over the place is exhausting and confusing. You should either clarify those lines, or use some erratic adjectives to make the confusion a device.




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Wed Jul 26, 2006 10:27 am
Swires says...



Well Sam said everything I was goignt o say an more. I agree with most thing apart from the teen/boy thing, I dont really think it matters what you call them.




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Wed Jul 26, 2006 6:54 am
Sam wrote a review...



Ahoy, Stevie!

STUFF YOU DID WELL:

- I've got to agree with MH- the names were really awesome. That's always a plus when you're trying to make your piece memorable.

- You've got room for a whole lot of suspense and intrigue: a run-in with the government in a deserted town? Definitely cool.

- You've also managed to make them seemed a little oppressed by the government without shoving it in our faces (see Snoink's article on 'How To Write About Societal Issues Without Me Killing You' if you don't get what I mean :wink:).

STUFF THAT COULD USE A SECOND LOOK:

- Please, please don't captitalize random place names (Alley, General Store, etc.). Unless it's the Alley Alley, or the General's General Store, it doesn't really make sense- and it's not quite Terry Pratchet, either, so your readers won't know quite what to do with it.

- The first sentence is a little awkward. I'd reword to get something like this: 'The town was old and forgotten. Newspapers dating back to 2002- the year before the town was evacuated- blew in the wind, only to be caught in the corners of buildings or stuck on wet brick in alleyways.'

Of course, I added a bit more on, but...you know what I mean.

I'd also revise the second sentence, as the 'rain' gets a little repetitive. Something like this would be nice: 'The rain from the day before had collected in puddles on the street, giving the place a melancholy look.'

Why? 'Glumness' is a bit of a comical word, and you've got the word 'town' repeated in the piece far too many times for your own good. :wink: Easy to fix, though.

- Watch your semicolon use- only use them if worst comes to worst. Try combining with a comma or separating the two halves into separate sentences, for starters. (Example: 'They had spent months setting up this system; it seemed more confusing now when he was racing against the clock.' could be: 'They had months setting up this system, though it seemed so much more confusing now when he was racing against the clock.' Basically the same, though with no choppy semicolon.)

- You say that one of the boys is watching the government come through construction five miles outside town. First of all, how is he doing this? And second...you said the town was 'abandoned' and 'forgotten'- so why does anyone care enough to start construction nearby?

- Trey does something really clever with the wires and such, but your characters don't have to say it out loud constantly. (You say 'Trey, you're a genius!' at least twice. :wink:)

- I wouldn't use the word 'teenagers' in this particular piece- just because it's a 'young' word and brings to mind Spy Kids. Something like 'boys' would be better. (It doesn't make any sense to me either. Just trust me on this one. :P)

- SWAT teams are trained to be very professional- why would they all start laughing? (Especially to mock someone they're after.)

- At the very end, the green loading bar blinks on and of. This, of course, should be 'off'. :D




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Tue Jul 25, 2006 5:12 am
Ares wrote a review...



The Government probably would've disabled the computers, so Reuben wouldn't have been able to do that. Apart from that, you over use the word WIRE way too much, and the whole wire scene was a bit confusing. However, the kid's name's are awesome, and it had a nice ending.

Overall though, you need to revise this to make it great. It was nice though. Overall.

-MH

p.s. SWAT seemed a little modern, when the story takes place in the future right? Maybe The Secret Security or somethin like that. I'm sure you can come up with something. :wink:





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