Nothing to see here
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Thanks a lot. These are definitely some ideas I will keep in mind when revising it. Though I'm not sure how much more anecdotal I can be considering what I wanted to accomplish with the forward and first chapter. If you, or anyone else, has a thought, it would be much appriciated.
Check out chapter two. Judging from how Nate responded, I think it has the kinds of things that you are talking about.
The style was pleasantly laid-back, and I think the conversational attitude at points did what no amount of detail would have managed for something more formal. ^_^ Green Day/song lyrics to theme at the beginning were the same - fit well.
Just a few points though you might go over so that they're precise/clear - it seems you slipped some into conversational ambiguities here or there where it didn't assist the overall message or picture.
Jumps right in...so it grabs attention. But the structure - with the fragmented 'St. Lawrence College...' would flow better if it were its own paragraph, perhaps?
So...
Here 'unique' and 'very special' just repeat the same idea, and slow the sentence a bit.
The tense change (future) and direct address to the reader threw me off. Final sentence - that made me grin; the tone and brevity of it are neat for humour. But I couldn't quite tell whether the beginning referred to the book - and is this essay/piece a part of that? ...It doesn't seem to connect to the rest of the paragraph.
There - the concrete details, andecdotal, work wonderfully to engage the reader. ^_^
...might flow more clearly if you ditched some unneeded words "...wouldn't work in a highschool library (then switch these two bits) when I accepted my place at Seneca as I had imagined."
The converstional informality flowed the very best, and was most consistent, right here at the end. It ends tightly, and leaves hanging the 'what-will-happen-after...?'
Interesting piece of observation and reflection, Rei. I think it might benefit from more direct stories/anecdotes than the slightly distant telling that keeps up most in the middle. But the idea - well, colleges and going away do usually make interesting and even bizarre stories. ^_^
Thanks, but what do you mean by "more personality"? That is me.
When I went to a Seneca College campus just north of Toronto to do an admissions test for the veterinary technician program
Run on!
---
Now, ok, I like the part about the unpredictable-ness, and what people would do. lol, 'Eat fifteen hot dogs for a piece of candy'.
I also like the ending a lot. As for stuff that's not so great, I think it could use more personality, seeing as how you wrote it in first person. It already has a little, but it could use more, to really let the reader get to know you and familiarize with the narrator. Some strong personality could do it good.
In some ways, yes, but really only because I was going somewhere where I didn't know anyone and college is just such a complete and total change anyways. But, on the other hand, I've always been uncomfortable living in the city, so leaving that for the countryside was a relief for me.
That's fantastic! Was it frightening for you to leave the city you grew up in, even if it was temporary?
This is a really good start; you have a nice, easy style here that is captivating. It's just interesting to read about someone's experience and then to think about how that relates to me.
My own college story is actually kind of similar. I went from living in Washington DC to Saint Mary's, MD, which is a total backwater even though it's where the first Maryland settlers lived. The College, Saint Marys of Maryland (public) is surronded by cornfields, only has 1,800 students (1,600 when I got there), and you know everyone. It was a cool place and I miss being there. For a while, I even wanted to do the educational program there, but I couldn't stand the teachers for it so I did economics instead. Still not sure if that was a mistake or not, but come September, I may end up working for a private school anyhow.
ANYWAYS... I really liked it. Looking forward to more.