Ares

Thats nice of you Snoink. Very tactful. Anyways, Gay Rights did occur to me, but it was pretty well done. It was obvious enough that it was your subject, but ...

I liked this part: Why? does happiness hide? up and down back around I can see you turning doing circles looking for the 'happiness'. Neat. Anyways, what i'd like to ...

Your verses are loooong and uneven. I'd break them up so that theyre about the same length. Organizing the stanzas also, could help it a bit. Wrap this thing up, ...

I would take out the first paragraph, you don't have to prep readers. Also, you could add a lot to this (quality and quantity) by showing us more instead of ...

This needs something, but I'm not sure what. It's good, but it could be a lot better. It's kind of in the middle as far as stories go, it's waiting ...

I liked the lines 'my mind reels' and 'my eyes widen'. They were amusing. Short lines definitely help convey your character's emotion, but too many make it a little hard ...

lol. 'Insects died.' Very nice sentence. If anything it could've been a bit longer. And I would do without the 'skinny jews' part. There are better comparisons out there, I ...

Shorter sentences can add more suspense/a faster pace. I like the description in the third paragraph, you should describe the pain from her fall though, you skip over it. It ...

You brought letters to life, that's for sure. ;) I think there's a lot of places you could've taken this, it's very creative. I enjoyed the simple ending. The only ...

Snow killed the flow in the last line of the first stanza. I didn't really like the third stanza either. Too much of the same words. And the very last ...

Sure the last line rhymes, but it's rhyming with the same word! Anyways, this reminds me of something I'd write. The words are heavy, and the subject is too, but ...

To be honest, I got like ten parargraphs into this and then skipped down a ways. Your story starts off like it's a history of people's dating relationship. Paul this. ...

Uh. Nice. I guess. I liked the 'Fan-Dog'. Catchy. But the crucification caught me a little off guard. I was expecting lethal injection. What's with the sis collapsing in a ...

I didn't read the other critiques, so somebody might've already said it, but I think you should try to slow this down a bit. Break up your sentences a little ...

Nice. There's some funny stuff in here, it definetly lightens up the thought of death. Publish this so I can buy it. It's good stuff. I didn't find any typos ...