The pale orb of the sun
Rises above a field of white,
Snowflakes fall,
Like arrows of heaven’s purity,
To look upon a dark battlefield.
Red and Gold form into ranks,
The shouts of men,
The crunch of ice,
Heralds the impending doom,
Of men uncountable.
An army to oppose that force,
Similarly arrayed, and standing ready,
Blue and Green in the lightening west.
A Phalanx of fodder for the war machine,
The war machine of leaders far away.
A sudden stillness descends
Upon the field of glimmering white,
Harsh blowing wind, cools the breath
Of the waiting soldiers;
Cooling their hearts in anticipation of war.
Voices murmur, in blue and green.
The force moves out across the fields,
To where red and gold await.
A voice calls out in Red and Gold,
A volley of arrows launch, to seek their targets.
Blue and Green and snowy white
Turned red as arrows find their marks.
Bodies fall into the snow,
Cushioning their deadly fall,
With the mingling of blood and snow.
I did like this but only because the last stanza showed peaks of the other two poems. I felt that this one didn't have as much imagery as the others. When reading this I heard the words snow, red, and gold too often. Maybe if you could find another word to describe them?
My favorite stanza is the last.
Keep it up!
~Rieda
I agree with Clau's assertion that this is the weakest of the sections I've read thus far. The imagery, especially in the beginning, gives the feeling of "telling" rather than "showing," which is really detrimental, especially since the subject matter is so difficult to deal with in an original way. You're far above par on this one.
Sure the last line rhymes, but it's rhyming with the same word!
Anyways, this reminds me of something I'd write. The words are heavy, and the subject is too, but it doesn't really impact the reader a whole lot. I'm not sure how I'm gunna fix it in my own poems, so I don't have anything to recommend to you either.
I was thinking maybe a better rhyme scheme might help bring it alive a little, but I'm not sure.
It's still good. Just doesn't impact much.
I liked the images and stuff though, it's nice too imagine the scene.
-MH
I really liked the last line.
This part was OK, for some reason it didn't seem as good to me as the others. It was bumpy to read, which I think might be due to the punctuation. You have a pattern of comma, comma, comma, period on the last line, and I think you should read through it and punctuate with grammar in mind rather than the line breaks. This isn't in all the verses, mostly in V1 and V2, but cleaning that up would help.
The crunch of snow was a good detail, but otherwise I didn't see much sensory image, or imagery in it. I think you should add more of that, then it would be much better.
I still enjoy part two the most. ^_~
Best of luck.
120,223 Literary Works • 649,169 Reviews
Points: 4890
Reviews: 516
Donate