Armies connect with the clash of steel
And the shouts of men fill the air.
Twenty thousand machines of war,
Meet to do battle upon a field of snow.
A cry of alarm rises above the melee,
For the left flank of Red and Gold
Is split away from the rest of its force.
A lone red patch amidst a sea of blue and green.
Valiantly the left flank fought their foes,
Awaiting relief from the rest of their force.
Incessantly the left flank fought their foes,
But fought against a much larger force.
Slowly the left flank of red and gold,
Was whittled down by an unremitting foe;
Until a glimmer in blue and green,
Of red and gold breaking through that throng.
Blue and green fell away from the renewed attack,
Leaving the dead and wounded to lie,
Upon the battlefield of blood and snow,
Upon the heads of leaders afar.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
This is a great poem. the only problem is that you seem to repeat words alot. keep it up! vince
I liked this one more so than the last one. I think this may be my third favorite. The imagery seemed a lot better and I like how it sounds without rhyming. I think that if it rhymed you wouldn't get the whole feeling of it all and it would be limited to its potential.
Valiantly the left flank fought their foes,
Awaiting relief from the rest of their force.
Incessantly the left flank fought their foes,
But fought against a much larger force
**I like how you traded foes and force with each line here.
~Rieda
I disagree with the rhyming; I think this section, though not as brilliant as the first two, is solid and good. ^^ The only part that was a bit confusing was the use of the colors to identify the opposing forces; I think it's that it got a bit wordy, with the "red and gold" and "blue and green," as opposed to a single word for each. It works, but it's a bit shaky.
I know.
I'm saying I think it would be better if you did rhyme.
It wasn't supposed to rhyme ^_^
Snow killed the flow in the last line of the first stanza.
I didn't really like the third stanza either.
Too much of the same words.
And the very last line could be a little better worded too.
Afar isn't the right word.
I like the image and scenery though.
Try rhyming more.