Published July 7, 2007
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141,432 Literary Works • 674,412 Reviews
Ya. So much for disclaimers.
But I noticed the verb tense too when I started reading this. I just didn't mention it in my crit cuz I didn't think it was a very big deal.
Your reason for lack of editing makes sense.
And alright. Again, nice stuff
If you are going to follow my stuff there is one thing I should tell you. I rarely edit due to lack of MS word (or any other program) so I just post it up after a few proof readings. I correct what people find and I correct what I find. Just for you I will go through this again.
Just so you know, I do have reasons for rarely editing. Mainly it's because it takes up a lot of my time which I can't waste (job, school, friends... I also write late at night due to insomnia. Could you boast about your grammar at 4am?) It is much easier for me to sit down, write a story in thirty minutes, then post it up here to see what people think. If it is a horrible idea than the story is not worth editing. As it is now it can't be entirely un-readable, is it?
Also, it is all in present tense. But more than half of the story takes place in the main characters mind.
Aghh.
Is this past or present tense? Because at the moment, I'm killing myself trying to figure it out. Please, pick one and go through and edit it accordingly.
First off, disclaimers never work
Second off, the main character had two sisters. Use your imagination for how she killed her self. I felt that a moot point and did not need to be described. Slit her wrists maybe?
This was written to be surreal.
Uh.
Nice. I guess.
I liked the 'Fan-Dog'. Catchy.
But the crucification caught me a little off guard. I was expecting lethal injection.
What's with the sis collapsing in a pool of blood? All the other deaths were explained, cept hers.
Plus didn't your MC already kill her?
Anyways. I think your should make this a little less...surreal, and extend it. It'd be neat to watch him run from the authorites and parts of society while he discovered himself.
I'm thinking maybe you should break this up a little too. Slow down certain parts for more impact.
It's good though.
Nice work.
-MH