Okay, this is more like an angelic fiction. I wasn't sure if it belonged in Other Fiction or Fantasy. So, I just picked Fantasy because there were other elements of fantasy in here besides angels. I hope you like it.
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Intro: He’s Not Blind
I was almost to my house, so I breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe this would work out. I hurried up the porch steps and fumbled through my jean pockets, looking for the key. Something flickered past me and I looked up. I caught the strong scent of French vanilla and my heart skipped two beats.
He had found me.
The key in my hand dropped to the hard cement with a ping.
“Hello Lauren,” he said softly. I managed to nod my head in greeting; my heart was in my throat. He stepped closer to me and I saw his dark eyes narrow…
Dark eyes that could see my sins...
I tried to remain calm, but it got harder as he came closer to me. His face was suddenly two inches from mine and I could feel his breath across my face. I stood completely still as his eyes searched my face. Finally, he broke the silence.
“Where have you been off to?” he asked gently, but I could see the anger clearly in his face. I tried my luck at lying.
“I had to go to the store…You know, stock up on chocolate,” I said in a shaky voice.
“I don’t see any shopping bags.”
I mentally smacked my head. Of course! He noticed everything.
“Um, they were all out,” I stammered. He nodded once and his eyes dropped to my jean pockets. The movie ticket was sticking out. He raised an eyebrow at me and pulled the ticket out.
"A horror movie?" he asked, smiling," I thought you hated being scared."
"It all depends," I said, trying to inch my way to the door. Maybe my mom was home. His hand locked around my wrist and pulled me even closer to him.
"Depends on what?" he whispered. The scent of vanilla was overpowering now. I shrugged my shoulders weakly.
"I don't know…" I trailed off. He nodded again and then grimaced.
"I smell cologne," he said sharply. He looked up as my eyes widened in terror. "I don't think you wear cologne, Lauren."
"Well-" he cut me off.
"You're a horrible liar, Lauren…I know exactly what happened. You were off with Paul again, I know it. Didn’t I tell you to stay away from him?” he asked angrily, “I can’t trust you anymore.”
Despite my fear, I snorted. He hadn’t told me that before. I somehow gathered enough courage to speak my mind.
"You're like a ball and chain, Chris, fallen angel or not…You're holding me back. And you're…"I struggled to speak the last words.
"Threatening you?" Chris finished for me. I bit my lip and nodded. Chris laughed quietly.
"I'm threatening you because I can't live without you. If you leave me…I don't know what I would do," Chris explained. Unfortunately, I knew exactly what he would do.
“And by the way, I’m not a fallen angel anymore…I belong here as much as you do,” he continued.
"No, Chris. I think I know what you are now, a demon sent from Hell to make my life miserable. I want to break up. I want to have my life back," I said firmly. I saw his eyes begin to fill with tears and anger. It frightened me.
"That hurt, Lauren,” he said. He released my wrist and backed away from me slowly. I turned my back on him and picked up the key from where it lay.
"I would apologize-" He cut me off again.
"But I know you're not sorry." I guess that was one way to put it. The last thing I heard from him was a rush of wings and a low cry of grief.
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141,255 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
To tell you the truth, I completely forgot about this story. I almost screamed when I saw it.
Thanks for your comment though and I'll TRY to write more if I can.
By the way, I love your avatar. Arwen rocks.
~N~
Hey!
I liked this piece a lot. I'm not sure what you changed, but this version works really well.
I caught the strong scent of French vanilla and my heart skipped two beats.
That's kind of creepy. A guy that smells like vanilla . . . Now that I think about it, I suppose it makes sense, seeing as he's a fallen angel.
He stepped closer to me and I saw his dark eyes narrow…
Dark eyes that could see my sins...
I liked the whole "dark eyes that could see my sins" thing. It got me wondering what she did. I think you might just want to do the triple-period thing (is there a technical term for that?) after sins - it'll have a better effect that way.
"Well-" he cut me off.
I think it might read a little better if you write: "Well," I began, but he cut me off.
“And by the way, I’m not a fallen angel anymore…I belong here as much as you do,” he continued.
"No, Chris. I think I know what you are now, a demon sent from Hell to make my life miserable. I want to break up. I want to have my life back," I said firmly.
Ouch. That's harsh. I like the contrast. Maybe try a hyphen between "now" and "a demon" instead of a comma to give a little more emphasis.
The last thing I heard from him was a rush of wings and a low cry of grief.
Ah! What happened?
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Sorry - I'd write more, but there wasn't really much to tweak. Let me know if there's more.
~Evenstar
I like this as an introduction, it flows nicely and to the point. There's not a lot of background information, but in this case I find that good as it's just an introduction. A hook, of sorts, to intrigue the reader. And let me tell you, I am definitely intrigued. =D
Anyways, I am looking forward to the first chapter. I suggest beginning decriptions and background information about their relationship and how it got there in the first chapter, in order to set the scene nicely. All in all I really like it. ^^;;
♥♥ ina
Okay, I edited this up, taking in account what you guys said. I will start writing chapter one right away and thanks for the reviews. This will probably be the last time I edit this in a while.
It's really good,
but you should put more info on the characters a lil more
but it's stil really good XD
Uh oh. It's working on my computer. I think you just click on it and it shows the spoilers. It was just basically talking about what happens in later chapters. Nothing that important for right now.
ok, thanks...it was good, just a bit confusing, becuase there wasn't much insight to the characters. hopefully later chapters will explain more.
um, your thing that says: "Click here to see the hidden message (It might contain spoilers)"
is there supposed to be a link or something? cuz i didn't find anything...
Hey guys, thanks for the comments. I was shocked to see so many. About the stabbing thing. Originally, Chris would have stabbed Lauren in the end, but it was too rushed, so I changed it a bit.
SirWozzell: No, Lauren isn't an angel. Only Chris. I was going to explain their whole relationship thing in later chapters. You won't be hearing anything else from Lauren. I was thinking about doing a five years later kind of thing for chapter 1. [spoiler]I was thinking about having Chris kill Lauren in the whole five years later part. I'm not sure. I'm confusing myself.[/spoiler]
Anyway, thank you so much for your comments. I was really happy with this, but I guess it isn't SO bad. I'll hurry up and write Chapter 1.
Nariel
Hi.
I like where you're going with this, but I just have a couple of thoughts.
#1
After the first few paragraphs, there is not a lot of narrative. This is a loathed part of novels, I know, but you should try and describe their actions. When they are angry what they doing? Tightening their lips? Something like that.
#2
The first paragraph is a little basic and loses possible suspense:
"Something flickered past me and I looked up. My heart skipped a couple of beats."
How about;
"Something flickered past me and I shot my head up. Two glowing eyes shone out from the trees and I gasped, while my heart skipped a couple of beats."
I don't know, but you get the idea? I like your story, just play around with sentences a bit more...
That apart, good job.
ok is the rest out yet now im curious to know what happens and who got stabbed and edited out...crap its almost as bad as Eva withdraws
No!!! It ended!! No! Keep going! I want to read more! *sobs* This was so good, I couldn't find any errors or spelling mistakes. Keep me posted when you post more!
It...it...it ended! I don't have much else to say about it, so just PM me when the next part is posted okay?
what stabbing thing are you talking about??
oh, wait...did you already edit it out? ok... i was really confused about that.
anyways, i thought that it was interesting...it's a little vague, is Lauren an angel too? i think you need to tell more about the characters. other than that...not bad
that's all i have for now
Hey, thanks for your feedback Meep. You were right about the whole stabbing thing. It does seem a bit rushed. So I edited a few things, hopefully, for the better.
Thanks again for your feedback.
Nariel
The sound effect (ping!) might not be the way to go, but I think it gives you an idea what I'm talking about?
Other'n that, I don't have any specific grammatical or wording suggestions. I felt like the whole thing could use a little tightening up, and maybe some exposition - a little more about the characters, about why she's dating Chris in the first place, some sensory information in general ... stuff like that.
I did feel like he escalated from unhealthily involved to murder pretty fast. Usually there's a whole cycle of abuse before the abuser kills the victim. I'm certainly not an expert on this kind of thing, but it might be worth researching.
I am looking forward to reading more of this. (I'm an angelology geek.)