Hey, here's another angelic fiction of mine. It's kind of based off of Tainted (one of my other stories) but it has a different storyline. I know this is short, but I couldn't really think of anything to add onto it! Please tell me how you like it.
Introduction: My Promise
I promised myself that I wouldn’t tell anyone about my story. It was too personal, too heartbreaking for humans to listen to. That’s right, I’m not human. At least, I don’t consider myself to be human. Not anymore.
I flew over the treetops and strained my green eyes, trying to find the one person who would listen. I was tired of keeping the promise I had made so many years ago. It was time to let the whole story come out. I spotted him in one of the trees, curled up against the hard bark, apparently sleeping. I swooped onto the branch that he was on and pushed my long brunette curls out my face. I tucked my tawny angel wings into my back and started to inch my way towards him.
It was time.
I reached out with a pale hand to shake him awake but he turned towards me just as I was about to touch him. Apparently, he wasn’t asleep. Tessa, his mouth formed my name, but no sound came out. I gave him a weak smile and placed a hand on his shoulder. He put his hand on top of mine and struggled for words.
“I thought you were gone,” he barely whispered. I had to lean in close to catch every word. I shook my head.
“I’m not gone yet,” I answered. A long silence stretched on and I grew increasingly nervous. I saw his mouth begin to tighten with anger.
“I thought you were gone…Forever,” his voice began to rise. I jumped up in alarm as his bat like wings unfurled in the blink of an eye. He put both of his hands on my shoulders and shook me.
"What were you thinking?" he asked, "I've been a mess without you and now, you just show up, expecting everything to be alright."
He pushed me and I flew off of the tree branch, letting my wings catch the slight breeze. I hovered in the air while Sam glared at me. I felt my eyes glaze over with tears. He was acting like he hated me now...I took in a sharp breath.
“I’m sorry, I had to do what I had to do…But now I regret it. Please, you have to listen,” I explained as his eyes narrowed. “Sam! Please…Just listen!” I cried. I hadn’t expected this. I thought that he would be happy to see me, for more that two minutes.
“You don’t know how long I waited for you to come back,” Sam ranted, “I waited day after day and you didn’t come home…I never believed you were dead…But…”
I had to swallow the lump that had formed in my throat. I couldn’t believe it. I had caused Sam all this pain…Sorry just didn’t seem to cut it this time. Sam unfurled his bat-like wings and was about to take off when I landed on the branch and grabbed his hand.
“Please,” I whispered again, ”Just listen to me this once and then you can hate me forever…I promise.”
Sam seemed to consider this for a while until he sat back down on the sturdy branch and pulled me down with him.
“This better be good,” he said. I let out a long sigh and laid my head on his shoulder. He let it stay there, so I thought of it as a good sign.
“I’m not who you think I am, Sam.”
Vernon: Now that I go back and read it, I do see that it's a little cliche. I'll try and make the wings more descriptive and original.
To everyone else: Thank you so much. I'm not going to go back and edit right away, but I will eventually. I'm going to go ahead and write Chapter 1, taking into accound what you all said. Thanks again!
Nariel
Hi,
I'm not going to crtic, because a few people all ready did and because I didn't find any mistakes. I really liked this story, I'm not really into to fantasy (except Harry Potter) but I really enjoyed this.
I really thought the ending was good, I liked how you left your readers wanting more, I know I do, I don't know if anyone else does, but by the the reviews they do 
.
You have a really good story started, very strong, like your writing.
I really want you to keep writing more, it was fantasy, but they were like regular people (minus the wings, no one I know has those.)
It reminded me a bit of Harry Potter, which is a really good complement.
Keep up the good work!
Love,
N
Well, it looks like everyone else has beaten me to critiquing. Phooey...
Anyway, I liked this. It was quite a bit of telling versus showing and you could use a little more description, but it was interesting. The first paragraph lacks a little 'oomph' but the last line of dialogue (the last line of the story actually) was a definite hook. What is she really? Huh? Huh? *puppy panting*
Nice job. I'd like to see where this goes.
~GryphonFledgling
I thought it was a good piece and a good read, but i was little lost and confused but apart from that i coldn't spot any errors so keep up the good work.
Heya! Let's have a look... I don't think I've read anything else of yours.
'I spotted him in one of the trees, curled up against the hard bark, apparently sleeping. I swooped onto the branch that he was on and pushed my long brunette curls out my face. I tucked my tawny angel wings into my back and started to inch my way towards him.'
I did this... I did that... Try combining or adding sentences to make it a bit more varied and interesting.
'Tessa, his mouth formed my name,'
How about 'Tessa, he mouthed to me.'
'gone…Forever,'
lowercase F
'I took [s]in[/s] a sharp breath.'
Ther was nothing else that cought my attention really, so well done! Some of the sentences were a bit choppy in places, but if you revisit them, I'm sure you will pick them out.
The title is great too, as is the name of the introduction.
Good story,
Keep Writing!
~D'Aedomir~
Hmm, far too much telling in this and not enough showing. I begin with that because it's important. Next point, never use elipces in anything but speech or thought. In anything else it doesn't work. The idea interesting but instead of starting with her saying:
I promised myself that I wouldn’t tell anyone about my story. It was too personal, too heartbreaking for humans to listen to. That’s right, I’m not human. At least, I don’t consider myself to be human. Not anymore.
Hey there, nariel!! I thought the title to this story looked interesting, so I decided to check it out and am glad that I did. I noticed a few mistakes as I was reading it, though.
It was too personal, too heartbreaking for humans to listen to.
started to inch my way towards him.
“I thought you were gone…Forever,” his voice began to rise.
He was acting like he hated me now...I took in a sharp breath.
“I’m sorry, I had to do what I had to do…But now I regret it.
“Sam! Please…Just listen!”
“I waited day after day and you didn’t come home…I never believed you were dead…But…”
Sorry just didn’t seem to cut it this time.
Sam unfurled his bat-like wings and was about to take off when I landed on the branch and grabbed his hand.
chocoholic: Thanks for your comments. This is a brand new piece. I decided to take a break on the other one. 
I'll try and add more descriptions in chapter 1.
totalSNIPER and charlee1196: Thanks! I'm glad you thought it was good. Nothing to improve on though?
Nariel
I liked it. I think I read your ther one, but I'm not sure.
I couldn't catch any mistakes, and overall it's a very good piece. I was a little confused. It this a continuation on your other one? Or is there more to come? If it's the latter, then I'm sure it will make sense.
I think you need more description. There's very little description on what's aound Tessa and Sam, and it takes away from the story.
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