Tales From
The World
Of
Tagair
Book 1:Sickness of Sahr
By: Zach C.
Prologue
The panther paced his immense tent that had been set upon the battle field, for fifty years he had led his hordes against the Olds, elves and dragons of ancient times, and had almost nothing to show for it. In order to prepare himself for this particular raid, he had spent many years studying the earth and all of its secrets, and had finally learned “The Magic”. The power known only to animals had been learned by himself, a mere half-breed. The last battle that he had fought before those years of study, was one that he had just barely come out of victorious. After that fight he had secluded himself from all beings, and focused on channelling his thoughts with the earth. Learning “The Magic”, he had realized, was the only way he could defeat the Olds. The candles flickered as the flaps were spread to reveal a hideous beast, the general of the hordes and the panther’s most trusted companion. The panther’s train of thought was halted, and he strode over to the goblin, transforming himself back into a human. He stared the goblin general down and awaited his answer.
“About 2,000, my lord” The goblin spoke as he brandished his long, crude blade. The now human man grinned and strode over to the table to plot out his attack. He unfolded a tattered map of Tagair, marking the coordinates of his attack. He knew that, with the power of his newly obtained abilities, the war would easily be won. Moving the stone figures, he portrayed his plan with extreme cunning and tactics. The goblin general approached the table with caution. Leaning over his lord’s shoulder, his excitement grew as he as he analyzed their means of attack. The general then moved away from the table, snatching up his blade from the ground, he turned to his master.
“I will alert your legions my lord,” The goblin general spoke, bowing as he exited the tent.
The ugly grin formed on the man’s face yet again, he had spent many years building up fear for his name, and it stuck...Sahr.
Taking much pleasure in the upcoming destruction of the Olds, he lie down on his bed of animal hides and began to practice some of his magic. He had the “Olds” right where he wanted them, no longer would Tagair be inhabited by various nomadic creatures, and no longer would the tribes of the “Beasts” be forced into the Mossdeep woods to suffer in hunger and pain. No, he planned to unite the “Beasts” into the dominant empire and force the “Olds” out of the fertile lands.
*
Little did Sahr know, that there was another one of his kind that had also harnessed the magic of the earth for themselves, and planned to use it against him.
Aliana had come to the armies of “Olds”, unknown, and had showed them the things that she had learned from her mentor. Amazed by her power, they had appointed her to lead them into battle at this time of struggle.
The elders knew that their days were numbered, Sahr had taken control of Nightstorm and forced their army to the tiny island of Maradius. Although they did not like to accept it, their numbers were dwindling. It would not be long before Sahr and his army would take control of Tagair. Then, suddenly and entirely unexpected, Aliana had given them what they had not had in years, a ray of hope.
The young elf left the fire as the meeting adjourned and weaved her way through the crowd of warriors to her tent, things were extremely tense at the camp. At the brink of battle everyone was extremely high strung, Sahr and his hordes would be arriving at the island the next day. The Olds were greatly outnumbered, they had put all of their faith in her, and they expected her to pull them through it.
The sound of swords being sharpened and weapons being forged made her nervous. She had fought many battles, but they had been different, merely over territory or food, she had never had an entire civilization looking to her to lead them to victory. She closed her eyes in an attempt to block out the world, and she began to let the heart of the earth beat in harmony with her own. Her old mentor fluttered her tattered wings, landing softly on her shoulder. She whispered into Aliana’s ear, the old moth’s majestic voice soothed her very soul, and she slumped down onto her bed of velvet. Maluna had been with her since she was very young, and had taught her everything she now knew. Luna Moths were looked at by the inhabitants of Tagair as the most magically powerful beings in the world. Believed to have come from the moon, they were most powerful during the “White Night” when the moon is at its fullest in the sky. Maluna used her magic to sprout up saplings around the perimeter of the tent. Blocking out all thoughts of the morrow, Aliana whipped up a slight breeze that whistled through the tent. All was peaceful...for now.
*
Sahr woke his general early the next morning to set sail for Maradius. He had been plotting late into the night of how he would kill the leader of the Olds, watch him fall, and then curse his existence. The general awoke, grinning in unison with his lord, he had the same lust for power as his master and knew he would be rewarded greatly if they had victory on this morn.
Smoke began to rise into the frigid air as the camp began to spring to life. Beasts of all different races began to ready their weapons and gobble down all that they could manage before the fight. Sahr, followed by his general, trotted through the camp. Barking orders, the general began to explain how they were to place their army.
“We will have the Scrimgour’s scout ahead, they will be able to spot the Old’s army from the sky” The goblin general explained as he pointed to a couple of nasty looking birds.
“If the Olds plan to meet us in combat on the shore, than we shall station our finest archers at the bows of our ships in attempt to drive them inwards. If this fails, then we shall meet them in combat by the sea. On the other hand, my lord, if the Olds do choose to remain in the forest we shall send scouts ahead in order to avoid ambush” He continued, showing his master his plan.
The intimidating mammal nodded in approval before setting his faithful warrior free to ready the ranks. In due time, he pounced up onto the rock jutting out of the ground, in the center of their camp. All eyes turned to him, their beloved leader, his head held proud scanning his fearless warriors for their attention. Then he began, “My comrades, today is the day that we stomp on those ignorant Olds that have stepped on us for all these years! Today is the day that you all, at my side, shall watch their leader crumple to the earth, lifeless by my claw. We have them greatly outnumbered, and with the power of my magic we will be unstoppable!” Letting out a tremendous roar, the panther caused his troops to erupt in cheers and battle cries. “Now, onto the ships, we have an army to destroy!” He finished his speech, and the beasts broke into a run for the ships, all fired up for battle.
*
The morning started slow at the camp of the Olds, a calm fog had shrouded the camp during the night and fresh dew dripped slowly from the trees. Aliana, exited her tent, an extreme lust for victory inside her. Many were already awake, some pacing, some preparing their weapons, and others praying. Aliana muttered a prayer under her breath before joining the elven elders at the fire. Already she could sense the uneasiness of the camp. The elders looked up as she sat down next to Isabella, her favorite among the elders. She stared into their pale, sad eyes and knew at once that they were not expecting to defeat the beasts. Aliana could not bear to speak with them at this time and she strode away to deliver her plans to Yaxis, her general. She found him consulting with a young elf, who, while listening to Yaxis, was stringing his oak longbow.
The bold elf general looked up at her and his mood was lifted. She led him away, nodding to the young elf warrior as they left. Yaxis, flexed his longbow and stared longingly into Aliana’s crystal blue eyes,
“I presume you have a battle tactic, Ali” He began, his face shifting from a comforting smile to a concerned look. Aliana, nodded uneasily and withdrew a piece of parchment from one of the multiple pockets of her cloak. She unfolded the parchment, revealing her plan to Yaxis.
“Sahr undoubtedly will, not seeing us at the shore, send others to search for any plans of ambush. So I have devised a plan that I believe will catch him completely off guard,”
Yaxis perked up his ears in anticipation as he heard these uplifting words. Aliana, growing more confident with her plan, continued.
“We will station archers in the woods, when Sahr sends a small band to scout ahead we will have maybe 200 or so of our troops standing in this clearing. Presumably his scouts will rush back to their master to inform him that we are awaiting him in the clearing, with significantly less numbers than his own. If all goes as planned, he will lead his army to the clearing where we will have our archers release their arrows at the backs of his ranks. After we have him trapped, our small army in front and archers in the back, we will have the rest of our army rush him from the back hopefully crushing his troops”
Yaxis looked up at her in admiration, he then nodded and left her to let the rest of the army know of her plan. Aliana stood near her quarters, praying silently that she would not disappoint her comrades.
*
They were nearing the island off the coast of the mainland of Tagair, the cool sea breeze whipped against Sahr’s black pelt. As they drew nearer the morale on the ships greatly increased, the beasts had been waiting for ages for this day and they were going to enjoy every moment.
A call came from a goblin in the crows nest, and cheers erupted throughout the entirety of the fleet. Sahr was joined by his general as he descended the stairs below deck to retrieve his battle armor. His general edged towards the armor before asking,
“My lord, in which form shall you head into battle?”
Sahr smiled, pondering which form would increase his chances of victory,
“Take the armor for my human form, I am better with my magic when in that body” he said.
The goblin snatched up the beautiful armor plated with gold. He placed the breastplate, embroided with sapphire, over his master’s head. Next, he grabbed the steel wrist guards, these too had many amazing symbols all over them. Lastly, he slid the golden helm over the head of his master, admiring the sign of the beasts written in gold on the forehead.
Above deck the hordes were putting the final touches on their armor and weapons. Before they lined up, behind the archers, in the front of the ship each one of them had to have the sign of the beasts painted onto their foreheads. Everything was in order and they were prepared to wipe out the Olds.
Another call came from the crows nest, but the message was lost in the sea breeze. Sahr could see that the Olds were not waiting for them on the shore as he had anticipated. As the ships slid onto the sand, the armies began to hop off of the ships and onto the cold earth. They were rounded up by their master to await further orders.
“As you can see, comrades, the Olds were not awaiting our arrival on the shore as I had presumed they would. However, we must still be cautious, for they could be listening even as we speak. I need a score of you to scout ahead, and search these woods for any sign of ambush. Return when you have located their army and it is safe for us to enter,”
Sahr brandished his glorious sword as he spoke. Many of the beasts volunteered to scout ahead, and the team was quickly filled. They tramped into the woods, their voices hushed as they entered. The darkness seemed to enclose them, and they soon could no longer see the safety of the beach. They pressed onwards nonetheless, each and every one of them wanting to show their courage on this day. As they pushed through a grove of pines they began to hear hushed voices. Ducking down, the band of beasts approached the clearing with the utmost caution. Quickly, they confirmed it was the army of the Olds and grinned to one another due to the lack of numbers the opposing force had. They moved with haste in the way they had come, and soon reached the beach, and felt the cool air blow against their bodies. Sahr stood near the shore, his black eyes boring into each of his scouts that were returning to the beach. The team elected one of their own as the speaker, a younger goblin. He stepped forward and, stammering, said,
“We greatly outnumber the “Olds”, my lord” He paused awaiting his masters response.
Sahr, his patience tested, shouted,
“Well...how much you blathering idiot!?”
The young goblin shyed away, offended by Sahr’s tone.
“A...a...about two hundred, my lord,”
Sahr grinned, a grin evil enough to send the bravest of warriors running for safety as fast as possible. After dismissing the team of scouts, he approached his general and gave him his orders,
“They have signifigantly less numbers than before. This news is welcome, however, we must be on our toes. The “Olds” are known for pulling nasty schemes, and we cannot trust that those are the only troops that they have in their control,”
His general nodded in approval,
“What would you have me do, sire?”
Sahr looked at the horizon line, the golden sun cast beautiful shades of red and gold upon the green sea. The moon would be full that night, he could feel it, feel the moon pulling the ocean away from the shore.
“You trust me is that correct, general?” Sahr turned his head away from the sea and locked eyes with his general.
“Why of course sire, what are you proposing?” The goblin general responded, making sure not to anger his lord.
“Then you will trust me with the new plans that I have made?” Sahr said as he breathed in the salty air.
The general nodded, wondering what his master had planned. Sahr unsheathed his golden sword, the metal shined in the late evening.
“Then listen to me now. You will lead half of our army around on the shore. The “Olds” have planned a little trap for us in the woods, I can feel it. I will lead the remaining half into the woods, triggering their trap, and leaving us hopelessly surrounded” The famous grin appeared on his ugly face yet again before he continued,
“Then you and the rest of our army will charge in at the backs of their troops! They will not supect a thing,”
The general, pleased with his masters plan, nodded in approval and headed to ready the troops.
*
Night came fast, the “Olds” camp was now more silent than it had ever been. The archers had been stationed in the trees for quite some time, and those left as bait in the clearing were beginning to lose their morale. Aliana stood silently in forest, Yaxis stood a few paces from her. He was equally as ready for the battle to begin. Finally, a sound broke the endless silence. Aliana held her breath, it was Sahr’s troops, but something was wrong. She could not get over it, she could feel in the earth the soft steps of about 300 “beasts”. However, there was something else, another movement, coming from the other side of the clearing. She turned to Yaxis, she wore a worried expression on her face. Yaxis, noticing that something was wrong, quitely inched nearer to her. She leaned closer to his face,
“Somethings not right! I can feel Sahr’s army coming into the woods in front of us, however, there is movement coming from the other side of the clearing” She whispered, an urgent tone to her voice. Yaxis walked away, and spoke to a younger elf, who, seconds later dashed off behind the trees. Yaxis returned to Aliana’s side,
“Its taken care of, do not trouble yourself over it anymore. We have faith in you,” He said. Aliana could sense the confidence in his voice. Sahr’s troops appeared through the trees, a couple hundred feet in front of them. Each of his calvalry armed with sheids and crude blades. Led by Sahr himself, Aliana quivered just looking at him. He stood a whole six feet tall, and wore a great black beard that made his face seem even more haunting. He marched as if he ruled the entire world, and everything should cringe in fear at the very thought of him, and many did. Aliana could sense the level of fear rise as he came into view, the troops in the clearing began to ready themselves. The archers in the trees notched arrows to the strings of their bows, waiting for the perfect shot. Yaxis and the rest of the elves began to move towards Sahr’s army. The archers unleashed their arrows at the “Beasts” backsides. Aliana awaited the screams of the goblins as they fell. But, to her surprise, the sound never came. At the last second, Sahr twisted around and cast a spell into the air! The arrows thudded against the magical sheild and hurtled towards the ground. Aliana could not believe what happened next, and hope began to drain from her soul. Sahr made the trees whip the archers into the air, their screams could be heard as they collided with the earth. Sahrs army was now in a full charge at the “Olds” in the clearing, and Yaxis rushed in with his troops from behind. The bloodbath began. Aliana began to cast her most powerful spells, knocking many of the goblins aside. But, her powers seemed nothing compared to that of Sahr’s. Then, to make the situation worse, more of Sahr’s troops rushed in from the other side of the clearing!
Aliana battled her way until she had caught up to Yaxis, who took down several goblins as she approached.
“I thought you said it was taken care of?” She screamed over the sound of battle.
The moon was now at its highest point in the sky.
“I sent Drune to place some of the archers on the other side. Something must have happened!” Yaxis shouted, slaughtering a goblin attacking on to his side. Aliana faltered,
“Sahr predicted our every move! There is no way that we can defeat him!” She shouted, her hope crumbling. She gazed up at the waxing moon, and remembered something of the utmost importance.
“Maluna” She uttered under her breath.
The moth emerged from one of the pockets in her cloak. Her great wings glowed white as they absorbed the power of the full moon. Aliana charged forwards, a new hope rising within her soul. Maluna took to the sky before letting off powerful magic. The moon appeared to glow even brighter, and the two opposing forces paused to look at what was causing the light. The great moth let out a huge streak of white magic, knocking hundreds of goblins to the ground. Sahr himself was sent hurtling through the air. The army of the “Olds” cheered, with a newfound hope and began to drive the “Beasts” back. Not 10 seconds later, Maluna let out another blast. Sending more of the “Beasts” through the clearing. The giant scrimgeours, flying towards the tiny moth, were sent spiraling to the ground. The morale of the remaining “beasts” began to falter, and they were sent running towards the beach. Sahr himself was lying motionless against an old oak, his reign of terror had come to an end.
The “Olds” celebrated their victory over the “beasts” for countless weeks. Festivals and celebrations were continuos on the island. And Many of the “Olds” never left the place. They constructed a kingdom on the island to commemorate Aliana’s victory. Statues were built of Aliana and Maluna in the center of the city so that, in the years to come, all may know of their bravery in defeating the evil known as Sahr. They named the kingdom Maradius. Not long after it’s construction, they then named Aliana their queen, of not only themselves, but of all of Tagair. This time came to be known as “The Turning”
A thousand years later our tale begins...
Chapter 1: The Sickness of Sahr
Moonlight shone down upon the young angel horse’s pelt. The milky white color made it appear as if he were a ghost, graceful yet with a sense of urgency. The small haversack, bound to his back, carried two herbs vital for the Queen of all mystic creatures survival. The main substance, Dragon Fang poultice, was to be filled with the nectar squeezed from the rare Zypher leaves, a plant only found on an island in the middle of the Taglier sea.
His breath came fast and in steamy huffs, as tired as he was he still needed to press onward. For twelve weeks he had been searching for the rare ingredients, mandatory for the Queen’s survival. Now, on his way back, he was tired as ever. He felt as if his lungs would implode any second. His head throbbed, and his legs felt as if they would give way, if he were to fly any longer he would surely pass out and plummet to the ground below. The Angel horse was in so much pain that he did not notice the shadowy figure slip behind a rock as he landed. After walking a few paces he felt a sting in his left foreleg, he lowered his head to see what has caused it. He saw, to his surprise, a small dart jutting out of his leg just above his hoof. Slowly he began to feel extremely dizzy, and eventually collapsed on the forest floor.
Not two seconds later, a score or so of goblins appeared out of the darkness of the forest and into the clearing. They screeched in unison and drew their long crude swords. After surrounding the fallen horse, a goblin, wearing a dark black cloak that concealed his face, stepped into the circle of goblins. He began to rummage through the angel horse’s pouch. After taking a good look around, he pulled out a vile of Dragon Fang poultice and three crystal Zypher leaves. The goblin inspected them carefully before stuffing them into a pocket in his cloak.
Not far off a young dragon, by the name of Pyro, lay in his warm hollowed out oak. He lay in the center of the room near the fire pit, carved out of the tree. A hollow branch jutted out above the fire to allow the smoke to escape into the night.
Lazily, Pyro closed his eyes and let the warmth of the fire soothe his body. The young dragon was particularly small for his kind, about the same size as a full grown Angel Horse. His sapphire blue scales glinted in the shimmering light of the fire. His head, nestled close to his forearms contained two small horns that shone crystal white and were magnificently curled.
Suddenly, he heard a rustle in the forest dangerously close to his hollow. His head shot upwards, and he began to scan the area for any living creature. After a couple of minutes he slumped back down and curled himself up, closer to the fire. Then, a piercing cry broke the silence of the forest. His eyes flickered open, waking him completely. Startled, he rushed out of the hollow and into the night. As he ran on all fours through the thick underbrush he could hear beasts cheering and sheathing their swords. He slowed to a walk as he heard them stop and begin to rush through the forest. Finally, he came to the clearing in which the angel horse lay, the beasts were gone, and had left no trace. Slowly, he approached the wounded creature with caution, making every step as silent as a fox. When he was a few paces away, the horse lifted his head and looked towards where pyro stood. At that moment Pyro was awestruck by the brave and determined look in the Angel Horse’s eye. The spell was broken when he heard the call for him to move closer. Pyro slowly moved towards him, he could see the dart that had pierced the horse’s flesh.
“Are...you all right?” Pyro stammered, inching closer to the wounded creature. The Angel horse took a deep breath before responding, “Don’t worry about me, there are more important matters to be discussed at the moment.” Pyro cocked his head to the side in confusion.
“What do you mean?” he inquired. The Horse stared him down in frustration.
“All will be explained, don’t rush me” he exclaimed, trying to pick himself up off the ground. He looked up to the stars and continued, “You have heard have Sahr, am I correct?” Pyro nodded. He had heard many a times of the ancient evil of Sahr. His father had told him the story of how Aliana, the queen, and her moth had defeated him 1,000 years ago.
“Yes, I have heard of Sahr. But why do you speak of him now? He was defeated 1,000 years ago!” Pyro was now right by the horse’s side.
The Angel Horse let out a deep sigh, he was barely managing to breathe as the poison began to take it’s full effect,
“The rest of the “Olds” believed that to be true as well, we all saw his lifeless body on that eve! However, he has returned, the signs are undoubtable. There have been reports of many “Olds” falling ill with a horrible, fatal disease. Each and every one had reported seeing a black panther 24 hours before they had fallen ill. As you would expect, our queen is one of them. If she does not obtain the medicine, I am afraid that our queen will pass, leaving the entire balance of Tagair shifted... Sahr has returned!” . The distressed horse lowered his head to the ground, “She sent me to search for the medicine that can cure her, but goblins ambushed me and have taken it! Do you know what this means, my friend? Control of Tagair will be right on Sahr’s doorstep!” He breathed heavily, on the verge of death.
“Thats impossible, Sahr could not just appear again after one thousand years believed to be dead!” Pyro exclaimed, his sapphire scales reflecting the waxing moon. The horse uttered his last words,
“My friend, I do not have the time to convince you that this evil is real. However, if you wish to serve the very one that gave you freedom in this world...then you will obtain those herbs and bring them to your queen,” His voice trailed off and he closed his weary eyes. He lay still in the moonlight, his milky pelt reflecting the soft moon’s glow.
Pyro could not believe what he had just been told, the ancient evil of Sahr had returned. Not only did he control all of the “beasts” But, he also had the “Olds” right where he wanted them, plagued and huddled over their dying queen. Pyro gazed up into the night sky, and watched as a new constellation appeared as one does for every creature who dies in Tagair. Their souls rise right into the divine and leave a glowing stain for all to see. Pyro took one last look at the magnificent horse as he dissapeared into the shadows of the forest. Never, in all of his years, had he seen so much loyalty to another. The words of the old horse began to sink in as Pyro caught the first glimpse of his home through the darkness, nothing but a faint glow in the cold world. The horse had been so sure that Sahr had returned, Pyro could not understand. He pondered over how someone who had been “dead” for 1,000 years could just appear back in the world again. He caught a quick flash of the effects if he were to fail the queen, the few tales he had heard of Sahr had very much given him the impression that Sahr would show no mercy to the “olds” If he were to obtain control over Tagair, life would never be the same. The warm summer breeze whistled through the trees of Nightstorm. As pyro approached his hollow, he stepped out of the darkness and in the path of the fires warm glow. Everything seemed so peaceful here, as if all the troubles of the world were just crumbling away. It felt no different now than it did before Sahr had returned, but Pyro knew that the effects of this evil would soon begin to show.
He entered his hollow, the fire danced among the logs that were beginning to crumble to mere ash. He could waste no more time in his home, urgency was of the greatest importance at this time. The forest seemed to be having all of the life sucked out of it, not a sound could be heard on this warm, clear night. Pyro rummaged amongst some of his drawers, gathering some of the supplies that would be necessary to complete his quest. The fire slowly began to die out, until nothing but the moon lit the black forest floor. he managed to obtain the rest of his supplies in the dark before taking one last look around him. He was well aware that he would not be returning home again for quite some time, and if he were to fail...never again. He pushed the cold thought out of his mind and gathered his wits about him before exiting the safety of his hollow. The moon now shone brighter than ever before, midnight of the “White night” the only time in which the moon shines its brightest. Pyro smiled and strode into the black trees, in which all peace and tranquility seemed to escape from his soul. The massive trees of the Nightstorm woods jutted out of the soft earth, towering over the rest of the world like great giants. Pyro weaved his way between them. The small haversack, bound to his back, bobbed up and down as he walked the misty woods. Little of the moons glow could slip through the cracks between the immense trees branches. Pyro stepped through a small clearing, a small pool of cool water shone brightly in the glow of the moon. He paused, taking care not to make a single sound. He could hear nothing but the flutter of his own heart. The woods were silent, as if it were bracing itself for the danger to come. Pyro lapped at the edges of the cold pool, sending ripples across its entirety. Black clouds could been seen moving in overhead, soon nothing would be lighting the world. Pyro watched, frozen with fear as the moon was shrouded by the storm clouds, and the world was cast into darkness. He inched around the edge of the pool, he could see nothing but darkness in front of him. His senses were greatly impaired, and he felt as if even the mist had gone away with the light.
A rustle in the undergrowth froze him where he was, terrified to move a muscle. A soft growl began to form in the black in front of him. Pyro did not know what he should do. He could not see where to run, or what was approaching. The first thought that came to his mind was Sahr, and the panther. Convincing himself that the very idea was impossible, he continued to move along the edge. The sound came again, and this time it was closer. The low growl formed into a full out roar, and Pyro could sense the presence of another. He could tell that this was no small mammal. Out of the Darkness, a huge beast lunged forward, claws unsheathed. Pyro felt an immense pain in his left side, and plunged into darkness.
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Hi there!
I like your story, but there are quite a few errors throughout, in plot and mechanics. I’m going to go through the first paragraph:
Reading this first bit, it almost made me want to close the window. I lost interest because of the information drop, and the telling rather than showing. You might have a great plot and idea hidden within this, but it’s hard to see.
First, there are numerous errors in grammar and punctuation, as well as a few simple typos, which I’m going to try and point out. It might help to read a piece out loud to yourself before posting it, since it will help you pick out any errors that might be present.
Ok, here are the typos I found in the first paragraph:
“himself” should be “him”
“Study” has an extra space in front of it.
“Channelling” should be spelled “channeling,” I think… You may want to look that up.
Secondly, you have a big problem with you sentence structure and comma usage. For example, in the first sentence you write:
This should be spread out in at least several sentences, like so:
“The [insert description] panther paced his immense tent, [insert another action]. Here he was, in the middle of a battle field, after leading his hordes against the Olds for fifty years with very little to show for it.”
My example is still a little long winded, even though I got rid of a lot of the extra info and changed it into two sentences. When you have a separate idea, it shouldn’t go into the same sentence, or it will sound awkward when you read it.
I left some of the information out, and could have left even more. When you drop a whole load of information in the first sentence, it makes it really boring. Insert little details, like the fact that the Olds are the Elves and Dragons, later in the story. When I think about something, I don’t have to explain it to myself, and neither would the panther. Make sense?
As far as plot, I haven’t gone over much of the story, but from the first scene, I think you’re doing a good job jumping right into the action, and ramping up tension when the story is just beginning. If you straighten out the mechanical details, then it gives you more room to develop characters and engage your reader.
PM me if you have any comments or questions!
~Lupis
Hi, zoorah12-
I'm one of the moderators of the fiction forum, and your post caught my eye. I have edited out your last name - it is never advisable (even on such a lovely and well-meaning website as this ^_~) to announce your last name on the internet. Also, I must question your table of contents: the chapters seem to run by page number, a factor which is patently nonexistent on forums. Perhaps something to edit? A small point, immaterial either way, but I thought I'd bring it to your attention.
All that aside, welcome to the site and I hope you have a wonderful time here. If you haven't yet been to the Information Desk, think about checking out the Site FAQs and the Site Rules.
EDIT: Razor beat me to it! Way to steal my thunder, mate. We must have been typing simultaneously. =P
Hi there! Welcome to YWS. My name is Teague.
Just to let you know, there are a few rules here on YWS regarding posting your own work.
First of all, never post your full name. I have removed your surname from your post; in the future, it's best to just leave it out entirely.
Second of all, one of our rules is that you must do 2 reviews for every one piece of work you post. Keep in mind that reviews are only counted if they are 250+ characters (approximately 40-50 words) long. This is to ensure everyone gets a quality critique. Plus, it helps you because a lot of users return the favour and critique your work. ^_^
Third of all, this is more of a guideline than a rule, but you have a *ton* of stuff posted in this one thread. That will turn away *so* many critiquers. You have to keep in mind that on the Internet, attention spans are cut down to anywhere from three to eleven minutes. It's best to post things chapter by chapter, just so that you don't overwhelm your reader.
While I have your attention, be sure to check out the Site Rules!
If you have any questions, feel free to send me a PM! ^_^
Best wishes.
-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate
Friendly Neighbourhood Fiction Junior Moderator