I'll just throw this one in because I won't be around for a while and I'm so lazy to write anything because I've so much going on. 149 words. Enjoy! :)
The room was empty. Its atmosphere- sharp but mellow, was guarded by the freshly painted white walls. She could feel a chill sending a spike through her body, awakening her nerves. It’s what usually happens when she has no idea what to expect. The door opened, making a cracking sound, slicing through the emptiness. There entered a girl, Sarah, short and a little chubby. She had a perfect round face, her long braids pulled back into a neat ponytail. She watched Sarah walking towards her with a sunny smile, her body buried under a winter cardigan. Now she had to get to know Sarah, her new roommate for the next three years. She had to pretend to like Sarah for some time. She had to avoid ever mentioning to Sarah that maybe if she were a bit taller, she’d be a bit more attractive.
“Hi, I’m Lena, your roommate.
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No, you punctuation here is a no-no.
It's atmosphere, sharp but mellow, was guarded
That should be a comma, not an annoying hyphen.
The tense and wording in this line is off. It should have been:
It was what usually happened when she had no idea what to expect.
I'm am not liking the use of she. For example, in this paragraph, technically and how it is read, the 'She' refers to Sarah, but I know you are trying to make the she refer to the other person. One way to fix this would be to change the gender of the person, but I think you may want to look at another technique.
I like the ending, good work. Just keep checking your phrasing.
Hey ziggiefred! I like how you began the thing. It was simple, yet observant. But as the paragraph carried on... it sort of had a "forced" touch to it. There were a few errors with the tense, like
" It’s what usually happens when she has no idea what to expect."
This should be: 'It was usually what happened when she had no idea what to expect.'
Things happened too fast. One moment you were describing the room, and then whoa! Enter Sarah. How does Lena know Sarah's name anyway? You might want to mention that. Also, I don't really understand how a door can make a "cracking" sound. Wouldn't the word "creaking" be more suitable here? You might want to describe Sarah a little more. It's a bit hard to understand why Lena would have to "pretend" to like her without observing her a little more closely.
But overall, I found this piece had that sort of nice "schooldays" feel to it. And I liked it!
Keep on writing!
~Pompadour
Hey, Just want to say, I read and review at the same time, so i could get in as much as I can
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. Right away we can see what type of character Lena is, and i like her. Kind of a loner right? I especially like the last line.
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"Its atmosphere- sharp but mellow, was guarded by the freshly painted white walls."
I like this sentence a lot, but i really dont think guarded is the right word here. Its like your saying the mood is being hidden by the white walls.
"She could feel a chill sending a spike through her body"
You should say where the chill is coming from if you want to word your sentence like this. I know what you're trying to say, but if you dont mean a physical chill, its better to say "A chill ran down her spine, sending a spike through her body..." and so on.
"cracking sound"
A more suitable word would be squeaking our loud, squeaking sound.\
"the emptiness"
'the silence' , i think you mean.
"There entered a girl, sarah"
This is veeeryyyy confusing. You make it sound like the girl coming into the room was Sarah. You have to say was like "She saw a girl there, short and little..." and dont tell the reader her name until the main character knows it. You should let sarah say it.
" Now she had to get to know Sarah, her new roommate for the next three years. She had to pretend to like Sarah for some time. She had to avoid ever mentioning to Sarah that maybe if she were a bit taller, she’d be a bit more attractive."
I love this
Over all, some errors, but everyone has those. I do like this though. Keep on keeping on