I Got A Stare

Amazing... It's so confusing that it makes sense. and yet you know what it means. it is interesting. I have to say it! Wow I mean just wow. I can barely put it into words. Well good job! And I would love to read more of your writing! Keep writing!

From,
Buddy886551

I like it. It sounds a bit poetic and makes you wonder what the other party is thinking. Then it leaves room for imagination by not saying specifically who what where and why. Also it seems the girl has some conflict with the boy and that's even more interesting.

Your style gives me tiny vestiges of kafka's...Short, direct and served right into our hands ( here eyes of course)...The succinct manner of your story is quite remarkable...The whole thing revolves around just a stare and the thoughts it stirs up in the mind- when someone is staring at you...You begin to feel a bit conscious regarding yourself, try to probe your mind and find out the reason behind the stare...It is a fun game to play...You begin to "perform" in theatrical definition...There is no deviation in the story that alludes to the context...It is direct..I specially liked the ending..."Because I was staring back"...It draws into the context, another story in our mind which you have quite wittily left unspoken of..The story of the person at whom the girl was staring at...Good write...

I really enjoyed this piece! I usually can't stand pieces that don't tell me anything about the character, but yours was actually quite interesting. I heard the character's voice pretty clearly in my mind. In my head, it was a teenage girl sipping a smoothie or reading a book at the mall or at a coffee shop or something. I really appreciate simplicity in short pieces, and you did this quite well. I could clearly feel the awkwardness your character

I agree with the review below this, the style and nature of the words used, really read well as a poem, the lines :-

"And that’s okay. I probably would have refused to be courted by him anyway."

In my head the way I read it rhymed really well and it sort of gave the short a nice ending flavour. An after taste. I like it a lot the concept was simple and came across really well. It's about staring at someone and not knowing how to react when that glare connects with yours, which I'm sure is relateable to about 100% of the world As a poem though I think it would work better, if you shave off some of the fat. It could be really poignant, the ending is really solid as well which is always nice to see.

However I don't think that you need to use the italics at all though. The character is speaking to the reader or herself and these Italic bits look a bit weird within the structure, and also even though it's a short story a paragraph would be nice just to make it easier on the eyes.

Enjoyed it, Hope this helps.

LMJ

Hi!

SlushySlapped, here to review!

I'm going to start off with grammar/punctuation/suggestions, because I always do!

You're going to need a space after that period and a space after the ellipsis.

".But it’s just…he just looked at me."

I also think this could be worded better, with the same effect. For example:

"But he… he just looked at me."

I think the third 'just right' is unneeded.

"Because had it been just right, had I been just right- my face unfrozen or whatever- he would have walked towards me to do it."

I think 'what' would work better here:

"I don’t know what to call it- the action."

One other thing I want to point out is paragraphs. I know this is short, but still! Paragraphs can make a difference. Or even if you space out a sentence, just to get it alone. That adds something special to it. I think the only place I saw an opportunity for a new paragraph is "I saw it all:..." And maybe, just maybe before, "I don't know how to call it..."

But it is whatever you choose! These are only suggestions.

Any who, I really liked this! I didn't think it was confusing at all. I know I can relate to this. I am the worst at offering smiles to guys who stare at me in this way. And end up staring back. I know I've felt this exact way before.

Have you ever heard of slam poetry? Because I think this could work as one. Especially because as I was reading through, I heard a voice actually narrating all this. I don't know. Maybe that's just me. I don't know much about slam poetry, I've only seen it a few times. But the way you described and repeated things in here, I could just see it happening.

Great job on this!

Keep writing!