Once upon a time there was a boy named Iitsuka Sorana II (Eats/Kah_Soh/Rah/Nah). His father, Iitska Sorana I, was the King of a place named Kuushiika (Koo/Sh/Kah). When Iitsuka was about sixteen, he was introduced to a girl named Kiinik Morona (Key/Nick_Moh/Roh/Nah), the daughter of one of the wealthy founders of the Werviilii (Where/Vee/Lee) School. For some reason, she kept her face hidden during their meetings. Naturally, the two absolutely hated each other. About a day later, Iitsuka met a mysterious girl whom called herself Karoiia. It wasn’t until months later that she reveled herself to be Kiinik.
Years passed and the pair, now ruling Kushiika, had a daughter. Karoiia, or Karro as they called her, was born with red eyes and white skin and hair. She was the first and only Kage to be born with albinism.
This is her story…
Prologue
Karro knew her parents weren’t getting along as well as they used to. She was young, but she couldn’t help noticing that as each day past, her mother became sadder, and her father became angrier. So it was that four-year-old Karro would notice, even before her father began introducing himself as Satsujiin1 (Sats/Jean) that something had happened to Iitsuka. She couldn’t quite figure out what, but she knew he had no control over what he was saying and doing.
A few days after Iitsuka changed his name, Kiinik left and never came back. This angered young Karro. How could Mother dessert Father when he needed her most? Wasn’t love supposed to be about all that thick and thin stuff like in the storybooks? Even if it wasn’t, shouldn’t you help some one who can’t help them self? To make matters worse, a few days later, Iitsuka sent her away also. At first, Karro was positive it was Satsujiin trying to hurt her father. Right before she had to leave, Karro turned to Satsujiin, and demanded to know why he was doing this, but instead of being met with his usual frightening smile, Karro was met with the gentle, familiar smile of her father. He told her that the thing he was becoming wasn’t going to change, and that everyday he could feel himself losing control more and more. He needed to send her away so he wouldn’t hurt her. Along with his explanation, Iitsuka also made Karro a promise, that no matter how much it may seem he didn’t care, he would always love her, and that he would make this up to her one day. As years past, Karro began to lose hope in the promise her father made her. Though she eventually would block it from her memory, she never really forgot it.
1Satsujiin -the Kage word meaning murderer. (Root from Satsu meaning Murder)
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Nitpicks
Sentence #1 >> Something about saying "a place called" seems too modern to me, and doesn't fit with the fairy-tail/formal style of the rest of the piece. Maybe say "a land called" or "a kingdom called"? Sentence #2 >> I suggest you clear up which "Iitsuka" you're talking about, because though I assume it now to be the son, on the first reading I wasn't so sure.Two things: 1) If I were you, I'd switch the "her" in the first sentence with the "Karro" in the second. Thie will improve the flow. 2) I'm kind of confused here -- I thought Satsujiin WAS her father, but now you say that he's trying to hurt her father?
I don't like the repetition of "smile" here. maybe you can try replacing one of them with "grin."
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Overall Impressions
The main problem with this piece, I think, is that you don't really let us (the readers) into your character's head... not even into her world. I feel more like I'm reading a history book, or something. What you can do to fix this is...
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Description!
1) Describe emotions. You tell us that Karro is angry, but try showing us. Show us how her character responds to anger -- does it make her bold? Aggressive? Passive?
2) Describe surroundings. What does the world look like? Sound like? Smell like? Taste like?
I think you have an interesting story planned out here, and I'm very interested in reading what will happen next. So PM me when you post more, ok? Also, feel free to PM me if I was unclear about anything or you have questions/comments about my critique.
Hope this helps.
~Azila~
That is a very short intro and prologue. But very discriptive. In the last part I got a little lost though. Over all pretty good.