Chapter 4
So the lines began to grow from the ballot rooms. The system was inefficient, but of course this was intentional. Voting was no easy task anymore, you had to submit to a full citizenship screening, this process could last anywhere from minutes to hours, and it was done one by one. There were only a handful of booths around the city, so it would be no quick task getting everyone's vote in.
Aaron and Eunice arrived to the voting station at ten o' clock, an hour before it was scheduled to open, as planned. These booths didn't open until late, but they legally could not close until everyone in line had cast their vote. This usually meant that the booths closed immediatley, that was not the case today.
"Look Aaron, look at the line." Eunice cried, running ahead.
Aaron couldn't seem to close his jaw. This sight amazed him, never had he expected a turn out like this. The lines curved around blocks, filled whole streets and disapeared off in the horizon, blocked by office buildings. This triumph brought a tear to Aaron's eye, but this was no time to get emotional, it was time for him to be the leader that these people needed.
"Look, it's Aaron!" cried someone in line.
Immediately applause broke out from the crowd, filled with whoops and whistles. Aaron felt overwhelmed, they were the ones waiting in line, yet they cheered for him? Looking down at his palms Aaron quickly analyzed the scars on his hands.
"God give me strength." Aaron muttered to himself.
He put on a strong smile, threw his hands up in the air and called into the crowd.
"Anyone have a spot for me in line?"
The crowd cheered back and Aaron was shuffled toward the front of the line, Eunice trailing behind.
Luke found himself running late to the voting lines. Well, perhaps running late is the wrong term. He no longer had any intention of being on time. In fact, he was debating showing up to greet his followers at all. He knew Aaron would be there, the people would manage, and would his one vote really make a difference? Then again, is this even a good idea. Did Aaron have what it takes, did he? All of these question rattled through Luke's brain, what Bill had said shook him. War? Was that all he was, some obsessed, violent, military freak?
No, he refused to believe that, but what was causing his explosive temper?
Luke sat upon the caving roof of his home, a pensive place, it seemed a little cold to be out in the open wearing the light clothing he was, but Luke didn't notice. If anything it made him more attentive and awake to his cluttered thoughts. Ever since Aaron had escaped the bombing it was like something changed. He was no longer able to fake contentedness with the way things were. Something had come out, a sort of roaring demon, unleashed when he saw his brother injured. His world had been shattered, and it was no longer good enough to put the pieces back together, he had to make them into something new, something less fragile.
Luke stood up from his crouched position, climbing down from his low roof. He knew that he couldn't abandon Aaron today, or his followers, he had a responsibility to them too. Luke sighed, knowing that the weeks to come would be rough, but he had already set the plan in motion, to stop it now would be impossible. He took a second, returning to his usual alarmingly stoic state and began his march off to the ballot boxes.
End of chapter
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137,562 Literary Works • 672,043 Reviews
Hello there. AdjiFlex here to review. So I haven't read any previous or latter chapters of this book, but somehow, this just sound like a good beginning to a great story.
Okay so it's HIS hands, so Aaron would have no reason to analyze the scars there... except of course for the writer to tell that he has scars, and so the readers can infer that this man has some experience with combat or a rough life. You could introduce the scars better. Maybe someone in the crowd could muse at them as he waves.
As r4p17 said, it is strange for some random person to be calling Aron just plain "Aaron". If he is this big a man in the city, his name should sound like it. Reading from the chapter, I feel like a want to know what happens next and not what happened before, so you could consider starting from here and adding information from the previous chapters in bit by bit. Well I can't fully advise that since I haven't read them, but just saying...
So good work here. I might just check out your chapter 5 right away! Keep writing, my friend!
Knight r4 here to review this work, zephion. The title sort of caught my eye so I decided I might as well review it, not to mention that it is short. I certainly hope the helps!
I am sorry to say that this is a very poor way to start a chapter. You used the word so which is not a good sign; but don't worry. I used to have this problem a lot. You will get over it. Using "so" at the beginning of a chapter or paragraph is wrong because it is a conjunction. It is okay to use at the beginning of a sentence in my opinion though I would be carful about where you use it.There is nothing inherently wrong with this though I found your wording interesting. It sounds like you are using English from a couple of centuries ago.
I get the impression that Aaron is some sort of important figurehead, so it seems like the people would call his Mr. So and So or call him by his title not by his first name.
he should be talking to God not himself right?
Why do you suddenly change POV's without any warning. Did you mean to insert a ***?
I think this was just a simple mistake you made while typing.
In the second part of the story I am confused by all the pronouns. I am not sure if it is Aaron or Luke who is the angry one. Perhaps you should read through that section and insert Luke or Aaron's name as needed
Overall this sounds like the plot could be promising. The only thing is that you could use a little more description, the whole thing portrays a sort of self-absorbtion on the part of Luke and Aaron. You could also tell a little bit more about Eunice. Right now I feel like she is just there. Just make a few improvements and you have a great story going! Happy writing!!!