Albert lead Gary back to the bed and sat him down. Albert pulled up a chair across from him.
"Okay, this will be confusing, and hard to believe, so the only thing I ask is that you save all questions for the end."
Gary nodded, ready. Albert took a deep breath and began.
"Whenever a person dies their soul leaves their body. Now, most of the time, it.... passes on, to the other side, but sometimes it doesn't. If the person has a strong need to live, some reason to continue, then the soul will stay on earth. This, makes a ghost. Like Mara here. They will stay on earth until their particular need to live has diminished, then they will pass on like the other souls. They cannot normally be seen or touched, in fact they can hold no solid object, they will pass right through. Are you following me?"
Gary gave a halfhearted nod, still fairly confused.
"Good, now each ghost has an ability, something that makes them special, often something pertaining to their life. For example, Mara can cast spells."
"As in Magic?" Gary blurted.
"Yes, magic, something ususally restricted to wizards. A wizard, is a person who can see these ghosts. Their job is to help the souls move on, to fulfill their dying need. There are few wizards, as there can only be three in existence at any one time. I am one of these three. At the age of 18 a destined wizard will find that he has the ability to see ghosts, leading to his future role as wizard."
"And how does that involve me?" interjected Gary again.
Albert shot Gary a look.
"You're not one who follows instructions well, are you? Anyway, you have the power to see these ghosts, and to cast spells, so you will be my successor. My aprentice. That is, if you wish to."
"You mean, I can be a wizard?"
"That is correct."
Gary stared Albert in the face. How was he supposed to react to this? He was suddenly being called to a proffesion in which he didn't know existed an hour ago.
"You can have some time to think if you'd like." Albert said, interuppting Gary's thoughts.
"What is there to think about? I'm in."
Albert smiled.
"Then let's get to work."
Albert stood up and walked to one of the many bookshelves, pulling off the biggest book. He walked back to Gary and dropped it into his lap.
"Open it."
Gary flipped to a random page in the book. It was a list of names. Many of which had a red mark next to them.
"This is a list of ghosts, both past and present. The red mark means that they have passed on." Albert noted with a profound smile.
"But, how could it possibly have all of the present ghosts, people die every day." Gary inquired.
"Look for yourself. Turn to the last page" said Albert said, grinning.
Gary turned to the last page of the book. He looked back up to Albert
"What exactly am I looking for?"
"Just wait."
Gary looked back to the book. Suddenly, the book shuddered and letters were added one by one to spell a name. Gary's mouth fell open.
"Neat, huh?" Albert said "Everytime a new ghost is trapped on Earth their name is added to the list."
"Can I ask questions now?" asked Gary.
"Go right ahead." the elderly wizard responded.
"If a wizard's job is it.... pass on these ghosts, why is Mara still here."
"Well..."
"Because he doesn't know how."
Mara floated down from the cieling.
"He doesn't know why I didn't pass on, so there's no way to help me."
There was quiet in the room, lasting several minutes. Albert finally glanced at his watch.
"Oh dear, well, it is getting late. The door is that way. I assume that you can find your way home. I will send Mara for you tomorrow to begin your training. Have a good evening."
"Thank you Mr. Greene."
"Please, call me Albert, I never did care for formalities."
Gary headed for the door and stepped outside the odd house to see the busy streets of Seattle. He turned around. The house was gone. Wondering if he had imagined the whole scene, Gary headed for home.
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141,253 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
Seattle? Ew, who would live in Seattle.
Hm... I'm still here... Well, what should I say... It does lack some descriptions, but I'm willing to let that go, since in this chapter you gave some other things.
Please continue to improve.
Only three? For the whole wide world and a lot of ghosts? I think it's a bit few. You could have chosen seven, for each part of the world, or something like that. With such a little number they have very small chances of meeting another one and if you are planning to write it in future, it better be a summit of wizards, otherwise I'll find it really hard to believe.
"Thank you Mr. Greene." makes me somewhat confused. If it was me, I wouldn't be able to remember his name, let alone surname...
But you did a better job here, I'm just picky
Alright, final installment (for now, I hope) *rubs hands together*
Again, this chapter lacked some degrees of description. Also, one thing that threw me off. Mara is (was, technically) male? O.o I assumed he was a she... perhaps I misread somewhere. Well, at least in this chapter you explain what ghosts and wizards are, more specifically, which is rad.
Now, to the nit-picks!
Why is magic capitalized?
But Mara caught Gary. At which point, I'm assuming s/he used magic. That brings up an interesting concern. When a wizard dies, but becomes a ghost, how does this affect his/her limitations pertaining magic? And I certainly hope there are limitations and rules, otherwise things would be no fun.
Should be 'apprentice.'
And that concludes things! Once again overall this was good, but lacked description and there were, yes, minor logistic flaws.
Hope this helped
~Ita
But, Gary isn't eighteen, I believe. How is he seeing ghosts? Also, the use of numbers in a novel (at least, these kinds) strikes me as... unprofessional. xD Sorry, that may just be me.
Hey Zeph! I'm going to give you a quick review based on the five conventions of writing. Structure, organization, word choice, idea, and voice. You have a really great story, so I hope my review is helpful.
I'm going to go ahead and get through some nit-picky things. In the first sentence, there is some word repetition when you use 'Albert's' name twice in a row. A lot of people are annoyed by word repetition. It tend to draw the reader out of the story, so I would rephrase that first bit.
'Magic' is capitalized in a line of dialog, but magic is not a proper noun. No big deal, just a small typo.
Profession is spelled with one f and two s's. (That word is so confusing!)
Interrupting has to r's and one p.
Apprentice is spelled with two p's.
Your story structure is good, I just felt like I was thrown into the story. How did he meet Albert? Who is Mara? Other than that, your story is well structured. I would focus on working on sentence and paragraph structure though, if I were you. Some of the sentences were a little awkward.
You organization is good, there is a clear cut beginning, middle, and end.
Your word choice is pretty good. I think the story could go for a little more description. I love Seattle, it's a vivid and exciting place. You briefly mention at the end that they are in Seattle, but you don't really show us Seattle. Describe the rain, or the uncommon lack thereof, describe the smell, describe the colors, the clothing, little things. Setting lies in the details.
Your voice is great! Your story is very interesting, and you have entertaining characters. Your story has a magical feel. Urban fantasy is hard to write, but I know you can do it. Urban fantasy takes strong character development, so be sure to show us some of Gary's life! I'd especially like to see how his duties interfere with everyday things.
I like your idea as well. Your idea for a wizard is original. I'd like to see how he uses magic. Can he use it by harnessing the special powers of ghosts, or does he cast actual spells? You also did a good job raising questions. I want to read on to find out why Albert doesn't know how to cross ghosts over if he's a wizard!
Good job Zeph, keep writing, and keep up the good work!
I've always like apprentice books, so it brought a smile to my face when I read this piece. I really like your writing style, but there are a few things I would change.
It sounded kind of weird when you repeated his name twice. I recommend changing the second sentence to He then pulled up a chair and took a seat across from him
It might have been a typo, but I think you meant to put to instead of it
Just some few nitpicks ^.^
Anyways, I hope to read more this book.
Hope this helped