E - Everyone

King of the Court [Chapter 5]

A/n: I FINALLY got this up. I actually have lots of the chapters down. The problem is my art speed is WAY slower than my writing speed, so this is mostly coming out slowly because of that. I'm aiming to put a drawing on EACH chapter! Wish me luck! Oh, and also I hope you enjoy this chapter! The game will start in the next one! :D

The breeze is chilly. Very chilly.

Chris shivers as another cold wind blasts against his face.

"I would rather play basketball with those fools then face this," he grumbles, miserably covering his ears with his mitten-warmed hands.

Earlier that day, at practice, Alex had said that their team needed a coach. What kind of basketball team doesn't have a coach? Chris laughs out loud.

On the other hand, Chris would never be able to show off to his brother if the basketball team didn't play any games, and having a coach would definitely help the basketball team to play games. Chris' brother was always too lazy to watch him play.

Suddenly, on that same thought, Chris has the most wonderful idea that would solve both the problem of the coach, and the problem of his brother not watching his games.

~~~~~

"I present to you!" Chris smiles, "My brother, Jacob!"

Of course, the first response is from the shorty. Dwayne scowls with suspicion, "What trick is this?"

Jacob, who is standing there, laughs, "Trick? Naw, fam. Chris said you little kiddos wanted a basketball coach!"

This time, it's Alex's turn to scowl with suspicion. He turns to Chris, "What did you tell him?"

Chris shrugs, still smiling. His smile, however, begins to crack, "He's pretty good at basketball. Why not have him as a coach?"

Chris decides that this will be the first and last time he will ever smile. It hurts. A lot.

Alex growls, "There is a difference between a coach and a player."

Jacob interjects, "Hey! I've coached a team of third-graders before!"

Alex stares at Jacob, and then at Chris. The daggers from his eyes are obvious. They're screaming- I am going to kill you later. Alex always seems depressed, but Chris knows better.

Alex finally speaks up, "We'll let you be coach, all right? We just need a coach to sit there during a game."

Jacob has this mysterious glint in his eye, and Chris knows that Jacob has something planned. Additionally, Alex's sizzling attitude quickly dissolves, which Chris can tell; Alex starts running a quick list of teams they can possibly play a practice match against.

"Forton Middle, Pennel Creek Academy, Jackson Wills School, Homeschooled, Saint Helena Catholic School, so many possiblities!" Alex's voice raises at the last part, and he finally realizes that everyone is staring at him as he's screaming the names of various middle schools.

"Wait!" Colin interrupts, "We haven't even had more than two to three practices! How could we be playing against teams in practice matches before we've gotten to know each other better and had more training?"

Alex looked at Colin, "We've got to start playing games immediately. If not, we won't be ready to play in the actual tournament."

"What's so important about this tournament?" Dwayne scratched his head and shrugged, "I mean, we've still got another year before we leave this school."

This time, Chris can see Alex's inner self wrestling with his emotions. What a weird guy.

"I-I'm an eighth grader," chokes out Alex.

"Well, you could stay a grade!" points out Spencer.

"Already have," says Alex, "I . . . I should be in ninth grade right now."

Chris is amazed. How could this kid dedicate himself so much! Alex impairs his education for a middle school basketball team!

"Is that against the rules?" wonders Colin out loud.

"That doesn't matter!" Chris is surprised at how much he explodes, "You shouldn't hinder your education for a basketball team!"

Alex glares, "You have no idea how important this team is to me."

Chris is speechless. No matter how important a team is to you, you can't just stay back in school purely because of the team! That's wrong!

"What do your parents have to say about this!?" roars Chris, pointing an accusing finger at Alex.

"I don't have parents," Alex finally returns to his impassive state. His face is neutral, just like the first day of school, when he asked Chris for interest in joining the basketball team. Alex may seem very indifferent, but he truly has a myriad of violent emotions tumbling around inside him, "I live in a foster home. The people there don't really care about me, so they let me stay a grade."

Jacob puts a hand on Chris' shoulder, and Chris can literally feel his brother telepathically telling him, Shut up now before you escalate the situation even further.

"Anyways, I do know a great team we can start playing against!" says Jacob, "Saint Helena Catholic School is a strong team that has a chance of going to the State Championships. If we play agaisnt Saint Helena and win, we could probably score really high in the Regionals!"

"I want to play a practice match against the best team," says Alex, "Which one is the best?"

"That . . . would be Forton Middle, but they're not accepting practice games. The strongest team that's accepting right now is Saint Helena," shrugs Jacob.

"Wait!" Colin interrupts again, "Sh-shouldn't we play against a . . . uh . . . generally weaker team first?"

"I agree," nods Spencer philosophically, "Before our talents can develop, we must train with vigor, and begin our strenuous trek from the bottom."

That would have been a very beautiful quote, except for the fact that Spencer pronounced 'vigor' wrong.

"No. We need to start playing strong teams immediately," says Alex adamantly, "Or we won't be prepared."

"Fine!" Colin groans in a resigned tone, "But please not Saint Helena!"

"We could do another team," says Jacob, "How about another strong one, Pennel Creek Academy?"

"Sounds great to me!" says Spencer cheerfully, "At least they have 'Creek' in their name, just like us!"

"We'll only know when the game starts," says Dwayne, grinning and doing jumping jacks.

"What are you doing?" Chris blinks at Dwayne, who then begins to stretch his arms, left and right.

"Warming up," Dwayne says it like it's the obvious thing to do.

"The game hasn't started yet, you buffoon!" shouts Chris, and everyone laughs.

"Actually, I scheduled it already and they're gonna get here in an hour," says Jacob, checking his watch.

"What?" Colin, Chris, and Spencer simultaneously shout out loud. Alex nods, and Dwayne just continues going through a warm-up routine, completely oblivious.

"We've got to prepare!" Colin frantically grabs some chairs and places them in the middle of the court.

"Idiot! That's not where the chairs go! You've got to put them out of bounds!" Chris shouts, "Hey! That's not out of bounds! That's still in the middle of the court!"

"I don't know where 'out of bounds' is!" screams Colin.

Spencer gulps and clutches his stomach, charging into the bathroom with energy like never seen before.

"Well speak of the devil, it looks like they're here!" Jacob smiles cheerfully. Chris whirls around and sees a team standing in front of the gym door. Every single one of them look like they've got a disease called 'permanent glare'.

Before Chris registers what is happening, he hears a scream, most likely from Colin, echo throughout the gym, and Chris can swear the entire world can hear it-- the nervousness and terror of facing a team for the first time all boiled up in one scream.

Chris' throat itches, and he begins to feel inclined to scream, too. He opens his mouth and prepares himself, but is interrupted. By Dwayne.

Dwayne roars at the top of his lungs, louder than Colin, louder than Chris ever could, "WE WILL CRUSH YOU!"

Comments & reviews · 2
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Plume
Review
Plume wrote a review · Wed May 05, 2021 1:48 pm

Hey there! Plume here, with a review! This piece has been in the green room for a bit, so I decided I'd bump it out!

I've really enjoyed reading your story so far! I've never been a big fan of sports, but I think your vivid characters and fast-paced writing style is able to be enjoyed by a wide audience. You've got a writing voice that's very well suited to the topic you're writing for, and this work reminds me a lot of the best works of middle-grade fiction.

One thing I really love about this piece is your writing voice. There are all these little things about it that make it super entertaining to read. Sentences like "Every single one of them look like they've got a disease called 'permanent glare," and "Alex's voice raises at the last part, and he finally realizes that everyone is staring at him as he's screaming the names of various middle schools," have this underrated humor to them that really comes across in this piece. I think it really elevates your writing, so nice work!!

One thing I did wonder is that maybe you could designate whose POV it is at the beginning of each section? I feel like there were some parts that were kind of ambiguous and I wasn't exactly sure whose point of view you were telling it from. I think by saying whose it is at the beginning of each new section, you could eliminate that confusion and also help yourself by keeping in mind whose POV it is.

I also wondered about the surprise scrimmage at the end of the practice. How would Jacob know which school they'd want to play against? He seemed to be campaigning for Saint Helena, and then switched. If he'd planned this, why not just go straight to suggesting Pennel Creek? I was just kind of confused by the sequence of events, and I feel like you might have a borderline plothole or at least a plot inconsistency on your hands.

Specifics

"Sounds great to me!" says Spencer cheerfully, "At least they have 'Creek' in their name, just like us!"


I noticed you do this dialogue formatting a lot. Generally, if you have a complete sentence in your first dialogue line, you don't need that comma after "cheerfully" and you can just put a period. Since "Sounds great to me" is a complete dialogue sentence, you should just end the sentence after cheerfully. You only put a comma after the dialogue tag phrase if you're continuing the dialogue sentence after it.

"I don't know where 'out of bounds' is!" screams Colin.


That whole sequence made me laugh really hard. I loved how Colin was just putting chairs in the middle of the court. It was such a good moment of innocent, light-hearted humor. Nice work!

Also, one last thing! I love your drawings! It's such an innovative way to tell stories and I think they work with your text really well.

Overall: nice work! I think you've got a really great story here, and I'm excited to read more of it sometime soon! Until next time!!

Thank you for the review! I'm happy you like my work!

Hi Yoshikrab,

Mailice here with a not so short review! :D

Let's start with what I really liked: The personalities of Chris, who I won't call Stickman anymore, and Alex. We saw new faces and emotions from them, giving them another depth I didn't expect. Chris' frustration and quick-tempered nature comes from his home where his brother has no time for him. I guess that's why he's so obsessed with achieving and winning something so that Jacob finally acknowledges him. I still wonder to what extent Jacob doesn't already recognise Chris for what he does, but Chris doesn't realise it. I mean, after all, he managed to get his brother to act as coach.
I also like the fact that Chris shows some empathy and can interpret other people, as he does later when he notices Alex's emotions getting the better of him.

Something I didn't like as much is what perspective I'm supposed to see him in now. In some places he seems like he's proud and in others a bit broken down inside. (Especially when Alex reveals that the team is very important to him. Shouldn´t he be more impressed by that?)
Jacob also seems a bit like an older Chris to me. Especially his interjection of Alex, that he coached third graders, I find very cheeky. (I would have liked to know what Chris thinks about this statement - pleased that his teammates are being put down or a little disappointed that he feels demoted as a third grader too).
Also a little later here:

Jacob has this mysterious glint in his eye, and Chris knows that Jacob has something planned.


I can't immediately interpret whether Chris thinks it's good or not that his brother is planning something.
A little later, however, he seems very grown-up and wants to keep Chris from escalating after Alex tells him that he comes from an orphanage.

Alex surprised me the most. The short info about his background from the orphanage was on the one hand a small shock for me but also a small point I see in connection with him being a bit stoic on me. I now find his indifference to be a very important aspect, combined with his hotheadedness in this chapter. It has emerged that he has a very strong will and possesses a dream.

Of course, the first response is from the shorty.


I don't know if this should be in italic or not. To me, it looked like Chris was upset with Dwayne and that it should be a thought of him.

Alex stares at Jacob, and then at Chris. The daggers from his eyes are obvious. They're screaming- I am going to kill you later. Alex always seems depressed, but Chris knows better.


Here I'm not really sure whether the "daggers from his eyes" stands for Alex or for Jacob. Because the second sentence would contradict that a bit if it stood for Alex. After all, Chris doesn't know Alex as this loud character yet, just a quiet one. I'm really a bit confused here, and don't know how others interpret the passage.

If we play agaisnt Saint Helena and win, we probably could score really high in the Regionals!"


Just a quick note here: "against" you got the letters twisted. :D

I like that this chapter is very dialogue-heavy and you get to know them more through what Chris and Alex (and Jacob) say. Already at the beginning in the first chapters they didn't seem like a simple sheet, but already filled with various ticks. You have shown that very well here in the chapter. I think that's also one of the most important points in stories that mainly revolve around sports; convincing characters and their development.

What I didn't like so much was Jacob. He seemed to me like he jumped from one side of the emotion to the other and how Chris could get him excited about being a coach even though he doesn't have time to watch his brother play. Maybe Jacob has more of an urge to be some kind of boss than his brother?

Otherwise, it was a very great chapter! Keep up the good work!

Mailice.

I do have to admit that Jacob WAS a quickly developed character and I barely spent time on his personality compared to the five main PoVs.

I DO promise that you'll get to know Spencer and Colin more in the next few chapters.

And again, THANK YOU FOR THE REVIEW!!!!!



The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.
— Marcel Proust