A/n: FINALLY out. Chapter fifteen! Poor Dwayne . . .
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"Okay, so one of you took all ten of the basketballs and . . . hid them," Alex looks at the four possible culprits.
Culprit number one: Dwayne. Medium height, chocolate brown skin, and dark blue eyes filled with passion.
Dwayne doesn't seem like the kind of person to do that, thinks Alex, Besides, his head is probably filled with all the media pointed toward him. Ever since Dwayne's final point at the very end of the game against Saint Helena, any time the news brought up the Middle School Basketball Tournament, it would bring up the famous "Short Center". The only thing that Dwayne hated was the nickname, but he still seemed to like the attention.
Catching Alex staring intently at him, Dwayne laughs, "Might've been one of my fans!"
Culprit number two: Chris. Jet black hair that might just be dyed, pale skin, and a permanent smirk engraved on his face.
Alex can see the amusement coming from Chris' face, but he can't tell whether that amusement is just Chris' natural state, or the amusement of the one who hid the basketballs. Chris would have totally done something like this, but Alex isn't sure why.
"It could even be Alex, you know," Chris grins.
Culprit number three: Colin. Also has pale skin, but has a mop of dirty blonde hair and seems to be short, since he hunches his back often and is very shy.
Colin is . . . way too much of a nervous wreck to do something like this, decides Alex. Although I shouldn't dismiss him completely. Colin might've done it out of fear. On top of that, Alex notices that Colin is acting really fidgety.
"Hey! Alex has been in the hospital the entire time!" Colin protests.
Culprit number four: Spencer. Very tanned skin and dirty blonde hair that's even darker than Colin's. A playful look in his eyes, but also slightly muscular.
Spencer doesn't have any redeeming qualities, but he can get feisty sometimes. thinks Alex, remembering Dwayne and Spencer's plot during the Saint Helena match. Just thinking about the match makes Alex scowl.
"So there's nothing we can do until we figure it out," Spencer sighs, but then adds hopefully, "Except maybe play on our phones?"
"No," Alex says flatly, and turns to Chris, "Was it you?"
Chris snickers, "Thanks for your faith in me, captain."
"Was it you?" Alex repeats, with a little more threatening tone.
"Let me think for a bit," Chris says, grinning.
The two of them have a stare-down, and none of them back down.
Finally, Colin says, before the tension grows, "It was Spencer!"
"What?" Alex wheels around, facing Spencer, with eyes that could burn through steel. If Spencer really did this . . .
"Hey, I just thought it was funny!" Spencer protests, "I didn't mean any harm. No harm. No sirree! No harm at all!"
"Where are they?" Alex growls.
"Fine, I'll show you," Spencer laughs and leads them up the stairs to the roof of the gym. Spencer starts sneaking away, but Alex points to him.
"You're responsible for picking them all up and putting them back in the basket," Alex says, "And if even one's missing, you're gonna have to do rebound drills with Dwayne."
Dwayne laughs, "I appreciate that, bro, but maybe not use that as a punishment?"
Alex left practice with the rest of the team. Later that night, when he returned, Alex counted the basketballs.
The number left him satisfied, because Alex stomped over to Spencer before the latter could leave and forcefully told him to stay a little longer for rebound drills.
. . .
Alex surveys the scene with pride. He knows this could be the key to Marble Creek's next victory.
Chris.
And Dwayne.
But the most important thing is that they're working together.
"Hey! You passed way too hard there!" screams Dwayne. Okay, maybe not working together. More like . . . tolerating each other . . . unsuccessfully.
"You just weren't ready," sneers Chris, snatching the ball away from Dwayne.
Dwayne responds by snatching the ball back and growls, "Watch your mouth, noodles. Don't look down at me because of my height."
Chris smirks, "And how do you suppose I look? Up? You happen to be in the direction of the ground. So I have to look down."
And . . . this is the part where I intervene, decides Alex.
Alex quickly gets in between Chris and Dwayne and calls Spencer over as a roadblock, because Spencer is the only one who can possibly get in between those two without getting bruised to death. Bruised, yes, but not bruised to death.
However, when the two of them aren't arguing, Spencer and Chris make a great team. Kind of. Maybe 60% a great team.
Every time Alex comes up against the two of them, he instictively thinks of Dwayne as the guard and Chris as the rebounder. This is used highly to Dwayne and Chris's advantage.
When asked about it, Chris had said, "I think it's a great idea. It's best at deceiving conditioned players who play by instinct and barely know what they're actually doing."
And . . . Alex happens to fit this description, unfortunately.
"Whoever our next opponent is," Dwayne declares suddenly, "I hope they have a player like you or that insanely fast guy on Saint Helena so me and Chris can crush him!"
"We've gotta go real soon," Alex checks his watch, "The court needs to be used tonight."
"By who?" Colin asks, suddenly appearing out of nowhere.
"The girls' team," Alex says, "Who else? Their season has started."
"Marble Creek has a girls' team!?" exclaims Dwayne, "We barely have enough players for a boys' team!"
"That's because the boys were mostly discouraged, like Alex said. Marble Creek isn't a small school, and the girls' basketball team is pretty big. I hear they've got a varsity team along with an A and B team and a practice team, which is crazy!" Colin says.
"By the way, the girls' basketball team is also pretty scary," adds Alex, "And I wouldn't put it past them to literally and figuratively kick us out of the gym, so let's get going."
"I can take on a bunch of girls!" Dwayne laughs. He hops around, starting to do some jumping jacks.
Alex rolls his eyes, "They'll stomp you. Come on."
Everyone hastily leaves except for Dwayne, who arrogantly decides to stay for longer.
The next day, they find Dwayne with bruises all over his body.
No one needs to ask why.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,797 Reviews
Hey there, Inu! *half-hearted sarcastic joke about being unnecessarily critical*
This is a small piece you have here, so we don't have a lot to tell you, but we'll give you as much helpful advice as we can.
Mostly, the thing that struck us is that you chose to write this in 3rd person present. That's an interesting and difficult way to write there and you did it well, so props to you there. So, we'll get on to the one or two specific things we noticed.
"'It could even be Alex, you know,' Chris grins." Is it not Alex who is surveying them? Maybe that's who Chris means, but would he not say something more to the effect of "It could even be you, Alex?" It just feels a little...odd.
"The next day, they find Dwayne with bruises all over his body." Seems a bit harsh for simply staying on the court. We don't play basketball, but we're willing to bet that if a team picks up one more player or finds someone playing basketball in a school gym, they can share said court peaceably.
Well, we hope out critique helps you in some small way or the other. We haven't read the other parts, but we bet they're good. We wish you luck in developing the story further.
Slàinte Mhath,
The Cidrian Writer's Guild
Thanks for the review!
Hi InuYosha,
Mailice here with a short review!
Wow, Dwayne is really short. I thought he would be at least around 5'5'' or something like this.
Let's get to the actual story; I like the chapter because you went with the same tone as the previous one. It makes the last game seem a lot behind it and continues to give the reader that break before the next big game.
I also like that it picks up where the last one left off. I would even go so far as to say that one should read chapters 14 and 15 consecutively to get a better understanding of the story and how it started after the game.
It was interesting to read how this chapter was different in the first half, from the others, with Alex going all Sherlock Holmes and turning out to be a better basketball player than detective. I like the way you present the detective game; it gives you a bit of a feeling like you want the reader to take part in guessing for themselves.
I liked the second half as well. I like how it gets back to actual everyday life, and the characters and their personalities come out that way. After the game was won, I actually thought something had changed, but I guess I was wrong. I still think that something will come when they play the next, stronger team.
Unfortunately, there were also places where I thought something was missing. Especially in the second half, it felt like you wanted to end the chapter as quickly as possible. It felt very rushed to me. I liked the part, but I thought while reading that I missed something. I think it's also because in this part you start the plot right away without explaining exactly what's going on, and only after reading it does it become clear to the reader what exactly happened.
Otherwise, it was, as always, a chapter worth reading. I didn't notice any major errors now (in fact, I don't think any at all). Other points I noticed while reading:
I like the description. Unlike the ones to come, I also find this one better developed as a profile than the rest. I would try to find a synonym for "dirty blonde hair" like "dark straw blonde hair. Etc..."
That sounds exciting. Unfortunately, that's a point you could have made in the previous chapter or in chapter 13, where some reporters showed up or where the reader briefly learns that there's a moderator. So this information comes out of the blue, and probably won't be mentioned again (?).
I like that Alex also targets Chris, even though it was Chris who came to Alex in the hospital. In general, I like the point here that you make the first part of the chapter dynamic by always inserting this "Culprit number X". It gives the reader a bit of an opportunity to think for themselves.
I'm sure there are enough apps you can download to play Basketball Simulator.
I think this particularly shows that Alex is a good thinker and has foresight, but unfortunately he's not cut out to be a detective. The police don't go up to someone and ask, "Was it you?" This is not a criticism of you, but more a comment on Alex's police skills.
That was a little disappointing how that turned out. Surely the story needs to continue, but for Colin to squeal so easily, without showing any tension, and for Spencer to admit straight away that he did it, shows that they're not ready to commit crimes just yet.
You make a transition here, but I think you could have developed the second section a little more. It seems strange to the reader how you change the scene in such a hurry, and one reads of Alex that he is proud. You produce a good beginning, but I would develop it a little more.
Here I would remove the second Spencer and replace it with "he", because otherwise you have the name twice in this sentence.
I like the ending. It's a fun start to the next chapter and also refreshing to see that Dwayne's stubbornness doesn't always lead to a good ending.
It was a fun and rollicking chapter that I haven't seen like this before. I liked it because with the previous chapter it's a good ending after the game and you can see that Alex is slowly getting back to his old self.
Have fun writing!
Mailice.