“This can’t be real…” In front of Haruko was Seika High school; a boy’s High School.
“I must been admitted into the wrong school; this is a boy’s school!” Haruko took a few steps back from the school gate. “Being transferred into a high school in Japan is worse enough, but this is ridiculous. What to do… I’m alone here with out neither a relative nor a friend.” Haruko thought as she ran away. She ran to the nearest telephone booth & called back home. Within seconds, someone picked up.
“Hello?! Mum, is that you?” Haruko panicked.
“Haruko? You arrived in Tokyo already?”
“No time for questions mum. Something’s wrong with my school admission here, why am I being admitted into a boy’s school?”
“B-boy’s school? Haruko dear, that’s not possible. The principal of Seika High is an old friend of ours. He told us he was the principal of Sekai high & it’s a mixed school.”
“& when was that?”
“Erm… When you were 5.”
“I’m 15 now Mum! There must have been changes in 10 years.”
“Calm down. I’ll make a call to the principal & see what we can do. You go back to Sekai High now. I’ll see to it.”
“B-but… Hello? Mum? Hello? She hung up on me…” Haruko heaved a sigh & made her way back to Seika High. When Haruko arrived at the school gate, she froze in her footsteps.
“Seriously, mum… You expected your own daughter to go in a boy’s school with her appearance?” Haruko thought, “Oh well, there won’t be solution till I go in right?”
Haruko walked in the school & made her way to the office to see the principal. On the way there, boys in the hallway looked at her with curious & surprised eyes. From each corner to another, she could hear the boys were talking about her.
“What’s a girl doing here?” “Who knows, but she’s cute.”
Haruko ignored the glares & sayings, continuing her way to the office. “… This is embarrassing…” Haruko looked at the floor while walking to her destination.
“Hey,” Haruko looked up to find 3 guys. The one in the middle with his tie missing & his first 3 buttons unbuttoned, ear piercings on his left ear, he had black, shabby hair, brown eyes. The other two guys, one on the right & the other on the left had their attire dressed up the same as the one in the middle. The one the left had brown blonde hair while the one on the right, long black hair tied in a ponytail.
“Hey girl, what are you doing here? Are you lost? This is a boy’s school.” The guy in the middle said as he grimed & reached his hand out to Haruko’s shoulder. Suddenly, someone pushed his hand away from Haruko.
A handsome looking guy with yellow shabby hair, green eyes, with his first two buttons unbuttoned together with the red school tie.
“Back off, the three of you.” He said as he pulled Haruko to him. Haruko was shocked. The guy smiled & said, “Don’t pick on her just because she’s cute.”
The three boys took a few steps back & bowed slightly, “We’re sorry, Usui-san.” Then they ran away as if they’ve seen a ghost.
“I’m sorry. We rarely have girls coming in our school so…”
“It’s okay.” Haruko stepped back a step away from him. “May I know where is the principal’s office? I need to see the principal. It’s urgent.” Haruko looked at him then looked away, too shy to look. The guy noticed Haruko blushed & smiled.
He nodded, “Follow me. I’ll bring you there, in case any other guys wanna harm you.” “Thank you then.”
Within minutes, they arrived in the office. They walked in & stood at the counter.
“Sensei,” The guy spoke, “this girl here wants to see the principal. She said it’s urgent.”
“Good morning,” Haruko bowed. “I’m Yamazaki Haruko. I’m here to see the principal, Mr. Saito. I believed my mum, Suzuki Akane has called earlier.”
“Yamazaki Haruko…” The guy thought.
“Ah, yes. The principal is expecting you. Please come in.” the teacher said. “Thank you Usui-kun, you can go now.” “Thank you for bringing me here.” Haruko smiled.
Haruko then was brought into the Principal’s office. She was surprised to see the principal being only in his forties when she heard from her mum that Mr. Saito was an old friend.
“Ah, Haruko. Come, take a seat. I’m Mr. Hoshi, the principal of Seika High.”
“H-hoshi? My mum told me our old friend, Mr. Saito was the principal. Was there a change?”
“Oh, Mr. Saito is my father-in-law. He retired 5 years ago.” I knew it…
“Anyways, back to the subject, your mum has called me a few minutes ago. There seems to be a problem with you being admitted here in a boy’s school… Seika was originally a mixed school but the number of girls that was in this school slowly decreased. Due to that, it was confirmed Seika was to be a boy’s school. So you can’t possibly come in.”
“That’s why I’m here, to see how to solve the problem. My mum have already called to find the solution hasn’t she?” Haruko was starting to get worried.
“Calm down, Haruko. Yes, your mum has already discussed it through the phone with me just now. & because now all school admission is already closed, they won’t accept anymore until next year…”
“Next year?! Then am I supposed to skip school for the whole year here in Tokyo?”
“Of course not. Your mum & I have already agreed on an idea but you won’t like it. But it’s the only way since you’re stuck here in Tokyo until you graduate from High School. So for this one-”
“For this one year I’m supposed to disguise myself as a male & study in this school, right?” Haruko grew tense.
“Yes.”
“…Is this really-”
“Yes, this IS the only way.”
“Argh, guess I don’t have a choice.” She heaved a sigh. “But did my mum tell you about where I’ll live?”
“Don’t worry; everything has been prepared for you. You be living with my family since you are an old friend of ours. Even though it’s been a long time since you came back to Japan…” Mr Hoshi gave her a serious look.
“My mum told me I came to Tokyo before, but to me I don’t have a memory of it.” Haruko said as she looked out of the window.
“I thought so…” Mr. Hoshi heaved a sigh as he leaned back to his seat.
“So, when do I start school?” Haruko stood out from her seat.
“Tomorrow. For the rest of the day today, you’ll need to get a haircut & buy some boyish clothes to look like a boy. My maid will guide you in Tokyo in where to buy it.” Mr. Hoshi then handed her a mobile phone. “Here, take it as a welcome gift. My number is already in it so give me a call once you’re done. The school uniform will be waiting for you at your new home.”
“New home, huh?...” Haruko took the mobile phone & walked out of the school.
Points:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,775 Reviews
Hello!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
I will pick out some grammatical points first:
This is just a personal opinion, but I think it is better to write the thoughts in italics instead of putting them in quotation. It helps to separate the thoughts from the mainstream text.
I think you meant 'grinned' here?
I am sure somebody else said this, but this introduction is typically very cliched.
The correct sentence will be "May I know where the principal's office is?"
'Blushed' does not make sense here. It will be 'blushing'.
The 'will' is missing after 'you'.
The latter half of this sentence is grammatically incorrect.
Okay, so the story feels more like a fanfiction at this point. You should try to put in a little more descriptions to really set the scenes, otherwise the readers won't be able to imagine them taking place and won't connect to the story. I also have some general doubts about the plot of the story. What is a 15 year old doing in a totally different country without a guardian? Even if she came to study, isn't there a legal age for that? How is she travelling? Also, when her mother admitted her to the school, how did she not know that it was a boys' school? Besides, the solution they came up with at the end of the chapter, I am no t very sure if it is very legal or if any school would ever support it.
Your character is not very fleshed out. We don't really know much about her at the end of the chapter, and if the reader cannot connect with her, then they won't be interested in her story.
That's all.
Keep writing and have a great day!
Hi! Pink here
So, I'm going to nitpick a little before I get on with the whole review so bare with me, please :3
-First, remember to the comma after 'friend' because you need to connect what she thought and the verb. Like this:
"I can't believe you did that," Laura said as she tucked her strand of hair away.
Also, on a second note, I believe it's best of have her 'thoughts' in italics rather than in quotes, although that's a personal choice.
-One more thing, you mention her name a lot. As in, Haruko did this and Haruko said that. We know it's Haruko and sometimes the sentence just flows better if you just use 'she'. Haruko flipped her hair back and then she took a sip of her soda. She lifted her eyebrow at him and smirked. (Just an example)
(If you need any help with correct quotation and comma punctuation, I'll give you this link:http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/quotes.asp I always found this helpful when I first started writing.)
I would loose the '&' here and write 'and'. It's more formal.
This sentence is a little weird to me
This is super cliché >.<
O.O Usui?!
I sometimes watch anime and recently I've been following the anime called "Kaicho wa Maid-sama" and the character in there has the same name and is also blond. And it's the same school! Super coincidence, maybe?
Start new line with the 'thank you, then'
Overall
I saw a lot of similarities between this and the anime I was watching...
Anyways, setting that aside there are a few things you can work on. For one you need to explain a lot more of what is happening. I'm left asking a lot of questions such as why she's in Tokyo without her parents and how does a 15 year-old survive there? Where is she from? Things like that.
Also, I noticed you have some grammatical errors, most of them deal with comma placements so I would go back and do a quick study of those rules and we'll be good to go.
Now, as for the story. I think it's original, like animes/mangas. Girl dresses like a guy and guy knows so he helps her keep her secret, blah blah. I hope you make this unique and interesting though, so it doesn't sound like all the other stories I've read and watched. Anyways, I still like this, it's funny and I get a kick out of awkward situations and you definitely have one here! :3
Keep writing!
~Shear
Hello there, xxHarukaVLxx! Welcome to YWS, and I'm iceprincess, your reviewer for today!
Firstly, I will point out some of the things that I found a bit off while reading your chapter, then I'll talk about the whole impression that I had of your story, okay?
This is actually quite a good opening sentence! It immediately captured my attention, but I would love to know how Haruko knew it was a boys' high school (not a boy's high school!). What did she see?
Now, there are two things that I would like to point out here! Please put Haruko's thoughts in italics (and anyone else's, really), but the most important thing that stood out to me was the infodumping. From just two sentences, you told your readers that 1) Haruko is in Japan 2) Haruko is in Japan to finish high school for no apparent reason and 3) Haruko has no friends or family in Japan yet she is still there to study, even without a guardian.
Read this --- it's a marvellous article on infodumping, and I'm sure it will help you to improve your story.
Now, if Haruko's parents are somewhere else, how could she possibly call back home in just a few seconds?
It sounds a bit repetitive to me --- try rewriting this sentence!
What guy? Wasn't this Haruko's story?
Who said the "I knew it"? Haruko?
Um, how would she guess that?
Now, I have read a lot of manga (comics) that have the exact premise as yours, but it's far too early for your story to tell if it's as cliched as the mangas. I certainly hope not, but if it is, try to twist the plot a little bit to make it unique and original. Another thing --- I think this will be a whole lot better if you added in descriptions. Tell us what the school was like! The uniforms! Haruko! Mr. Hoshi! Everything!
Anyways, with a bit of work, this could become a great story! Keep writing, and if you have any questions, you can always PM me.
~iceprincess =]