Removed from YWS as I am entirely finished with this chapter, and need no feedback anymore.
Hey xxFleetingEternity,First of all, I think you’ve got a really nice story here. I like the characters; both seem quite defined, especially Ruth as quite a fragile, broken character still in some kind of recovery. The writing in general is lovely – I felt quite drawn into this, and I could easily visualise the characters, the scenes, and the state of mind each of them was in. It’s also quite an intriguing story – I’m left wondering now what this was all about. Obviously the two characters’ stories are connected in some way, but how?I’d be intrigued to read the next chapter of this, just to see where the story goes and how these two characters are connected. ^^I do have a few small issues with this, though, so I guess I’ll just point them out here~Firstly, parts of this are just a little confusing. I like the confusion, to an extent, but I thought that it got just a little too much so, especially near the end. What was going on with the mirror? It’s great if this is explained in the next chapter, though. I’m also slightly confused about his mother: so is she actually dead? How did it happen, exactly?Another thing I found just slightly odd was the way Katashi’s family left him so easily. Again, I thought it got a little confused just at the end, so I’m not quite sure what exactly was going on – but I think it must have been pretty clear to his family that he was a danger to himself. They were talking about having him “committed again” as they left the house, so they clearly did think/realise this – how could they leave him alone in the house, possible with about a thousand different ways in which he could harm himself?Ruth’s story at the moment seems to make sense to a fair extent – she’s just come home from the psych ward, and her family are worried about her “snapping”. Katashi’s, however, is just a bit too muddled – has he been there before, too? Again, how could his father care so little for him so as to leave him alone in there?Still, I love the story so far. The writing really is beautiful, and it is the kind of story likely to get a bit confusing – hopefully resolved later – so it’s difficult to find many flaws. Keep working on it; I really like it so far. ^^~Niebla~
Hey fleet.I got to say, it's nice. I liked the way you wrote it out. First of all there are some things I'd like to point out.As I read along I could really got into it. The feelings of the main characters were passed on and thats good. But there were just a few word choices that ruined the mood or so I think. like:
providing the smell of damp and rotting wood
Out of anyone, why me?
slight teenage girl with too long hair and bright blue eyes.”
“I don't want to go back!” I shout. “'m not a freak!”
Hey XX! I usually start with my complaints, and then move onto the praises, so bear with me...You use 'instinctively' like three times in the beginning of your story, which is too much."Piercing shriek of an alarm clock..."~ you might add 'the' to the beginning of this sentence. "Her appearance is incredibly disheveled, particularly her hair."~ This sentence is a bit stiff and untelling. Maybe describe more of how she looked (i.e. her wrinkled clothes clung to her small body, or something of the sort, and then add that her hair was disheveled. "I lack the sudden energy, and practically drag himself over to the door,"~ here you switch from first person (I) to third person (himself). "Turning toward the door, I brush through it, making my way toward the kitchen."~ Brush through what? The door? "“I have gotten over it,” I respond, whirring up the coffee pot. Sweet, sweet caffeine..."~ 'respond' seems rather mild here, as the tensions seem kind of high between the brothers. 'Whirring up' is an odd way to put it, maybe plugging in the coffee pot, or starting it, or...(we don't have a coffee pot, so I don't really know how they work). Your comment about the caffeine is funny. I like it (and can totally relate )"I clench my hand." and "He raises an eyebrow." ~ I'd give these each a line of their own. "All I can hear...she barks."~ Okay, so I'm really confused about this part. Who is wanting who to turn on the faucets and why? This part really throws me..."Glare from the sun pours in through open windows."~I'm not sure glare can pour through windows, maybe try bright sunlight or bright rays of light, or something..." “You're not really thinking about sending her back there, Mother!” Victor."~ You ended with 'Victor'. "Why does everyone depict me as such?"~ This sentence is a bit stuffy too.It doesn't seem feasible that she'd be thinking like that, especially since she's distressed. "I rasp, my voice not much louder that a whisper."~ typo- than"taking grasp of the water glass sitting in front of me."~ I don't think you can 'take grasp' of something. You should choose whether she grasped or took hold of it; either is fine. Okay, so your story was really good. You're really descriptive, and that's awesome! I could really get a picture of what was happening in the story. I typically don't read this type of stuff, but your storyline is really interesting, and I now I want to know what happens next. Your part about Ruth was outstanding! I really enjoyed reading that part, (well I really enjoyed your whole story, but that part in particular stood out to me). If you want me to review anything else for you, or if you have any questions, feel free to PM or drop a request on my WRRF thread. Keep writing, ~Shadow
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