Part 1 of Ghosts of a Past Fixation, draft four.
A nurse enters the intensive care unit, taking care not to startle her patients. Pulling out her stethoscope, she checks their weak vitals. Neither patient shows much improvement. Shaking her head, she tacitly lets a small sigh escape her clenched jaw. Death is a factor this intern has yet to experience; today it feels as if death is flowing in through the windows, filling the small room with its fetid aroma. Her sneakers squeak as she strides into the fresh air of the hallway.
The left bed holds a teenage boy, watching a sleeping girl in the adjacent bed. Her rosy lips contrast her sickly pale cheeks. Wishful thinking does nothing to remedy their ailments; however he disregards his realistic tendencies and yearns for the means to pull the last remnants of life from his body and deliver them to her, this beautifully fading girl.
“We’ll both be angels soon.”
He sighs and lets his head fall back onto the lumpy pillow. Death is no longer an untouchable entity. He can feel it on the sheets; he smells it in the pillows. Death is coming for them. Somehow, he isn’t afraid; he welcomes the release. He’s tired of the false hope, so sick of the pain.
Cautiously, he traces a singular pink scar just below the IV. The crescent scar sparks fresh memories of reckless assumptions. He can still hear his brother’s ominous voice, slurs incorporated as a part of an addicted dialect.
An hour later, the nurse arrives on cue. This time the girl is awake, watching the boy rest. The girl smiles as she watches his chest slowly rise and fall. His curly red hair falls placidly on his face, hiding worry lines. Lightheadedness and vertigo overcome her, and she struggles to stay alert. As the spell passes she slowly lifts her head, only to receive another sharp pain to the right side of her face. The pain is quickly replaced by a duller throbbing sensation. This time her vision is conquered by a swarm of blue dots, and ringing fills her ears. The blue dots collaborate into a singular profile. Her mother’s silhouette smiles sympathetically, and tears join the speckles to cloud her vision.
The hallucination passes and she motions to the nurse, who dutifully approaches. “I’m going to sleep now,” the girl warily says, “If I don’t wake up will you give him this?” She hands the nurse a small paper note.
“Yes of course, Claire” the nurse replies, “but there’s no need to worry. You’re going to be fine,” The nurse’s eye twitches subconsciously, a nervous habit. “You’re going to be fine.” She repeats softly.
Eased by the nurse’s attempt to soothe her, Claire shuts her eyes-notably comforted.
The click of the door signals the nurse’s departure. Claire notices the boy’s sleeping face turn slightly. Her heart locks into an iron hold, and her lungs feel as if they are in a vacuum. The dizziness returns, worse than ever, but she disregards the nurse’s call button. As her vision fades, her peripheral vision says the boy’s chest has stopped rising. “Julian…” The whisper turns into a sigh as her eyelids collapse and her body slackens.
Dual cardiac machines beep steadily. Beep… Beep… Beep… Beep-Beep.. Beep-Beep.. Beep-Beep.. Beeeeeeepppppp….. The machines drone on a single note, the last note in this pair’s symphony. Had the nurse been in the room, she would’ve noticed Claire’s face mirroring Julian’s faint grin.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Woah!
That was great! I see you've done some editing, and judging by the comments, you fixed it up quite well.
The description, like everyone else has said, was outstanding. I feel like I'm there. They are perfect and show not tell... very nice.
I'm glad you brought this line back in. This is significant, even though it's just a couple words. It adds to the mood, and I like it!
I just had to point out that was extremely well written.
This also has a very nice ending. It was descriptive, and that last line left me wanting more. I'm off to Part 2!
Whoa. This was really good, the description was brillant. You really made me feel like I was there, watching it.
Back to review the edit - and now that I'm more competent in the subtle art of criting, hopefully it'll be a better review.
'Clenched mouth' sounds a little odd, seeing as mouths don't usually clench. Writers say more often 'clenched jaw' or 'clenched teeth'.
'Aroma' doesn't seem like quite an appropriate word, seeing as you're describing death. When I read/hear the word 'aroma', I think of nice smells, like scented candles and such. Maybe you should say 'reek' or 'stench' instead? Unless you mean for death to smell nice.
Or, you could put an adjective before 'aroma', like 'fetid' or something.
I don't really like how you used one adjective to describe both things; maybe you should use two for her cheeks? I think it might help it flow better, because at the moment it seems kind of choppy. :}
It would sound better - in my opinion - if you had a comma after 'Cautiously'. =P
You asked me if the edit sounds better than the original version.
Well, I personally preferred the original, for several reasons.
Firstly, there was more mystery there, more for the reader to assume. It was more enigmatic, I think. When you described the car crash, I didn't like it as much because it made it seem more...I don't know how to describe it, but it kind of ruined the effect you'd created.
Secondly, I dislike how you took out the boy's line: 'We'll both be angels soon.' That gave the whole piece a very enigmatic, mysterious atmosphere, I think, but it was ruined when you explained about the car crash and had the nurse tell her about her parents.
I have to agree with Amelia in some aspects, but I still liked this. The original version is better, in my opinion, though.
Cheers,
Camille
Wow. You've certainly made this piece quite clear although I did find myself stumbling early on in the first paragraph with the structure it was in, present tense. It seems almost as if it were a bulletin board and the bullets were just turned into sentences. It really is clear although I find it lacking in emotion and and for lack of a better term, flavour. Now that I've completely but honestly criticized it let me help you make it better. I understand the theme in the hospital with the patients and the use of magic isn't very light and cheery instead it seems somewhat unpleasant
Now that first sentence established the mood of the atmosphere to me as I usually associate the word "intensive care" with something I'd rather not have to live though but this is the part that bothers me, the following part of the story is quite kind and well nice. Kind of like a light at the end of the tunnel. So I would recommend that you play with the journey, establish connections with your reader so that they feel attached to your character and plan their benchmarks and profiles it sounds like something for beginners but it really helps at any level.
Feel free to ignore everything I've just written! I don't consider myself to be an expert and neither should you but it was my honest response as an avid reader.
Warm Regards,
-Elitehusky
Ah, a hospital story...
This first paragraph is filled with heavily described action. Instead, it might be more useful to describe the surroundings more than the action. Because when you think about it, action is really rather simple: something happens, then something else. Hence, the first sentence is both a bit vague and a bit stifling at the same time.
The description sounds rather too flowery to me. "Wishful thinking does nothing to remedy their ailments; however he disregards rationality and wishes for the means to pull the last remnants of life out of himself to deliver them to this sleeping angel." This sounds overly sappy to me. And ultimately, means little because there wasn't enough story behind it to set it up. By the way, I'm almost positive that they wouldn't put a male and a female patient in the same room, especially minors.
The discussion about death is lacking. The blatant acceptance of it doesn't show 'courage' on the character's part, just a flat personality. There seems to be no reason for it.
There seems to be no difference between the boy and the girl; no character traits to separate them from each other.
The "aware that death..." line is unnecessary because you should be able to tell this by the fact that the nurse averted her eyes. And if she was aware that the two could die, why would she shift her eyes unconsciously?
What are they dying from? And why are they dying at the same rate? If they're in such bad condition, wouldn't they be in separate rooms?
This is a typical hospital romance story. Personally, I don't see what's so romantic about hospitals.
It doesn't seem that the ending of this resolves anything. Similarly, there didn't seem anything in the main body of this to resolve.
Wow.
That was really, freakishly good. I could only find one thing that bothered me:
I'm pretty sure that the dialogue [the boy saying "We'll both be angels soon] should be on a separate line. I see this in most pieces of writing...
Keep writing this...Or else...
Jut kidding (but please do),
-Ayra
wow. i found no errors and honestly this was one of the best pieces of writing ive ever read. i cant even describe... wow.