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Young Writers Society



Ghosts of a Past Fixation-Part Three

by xhalcyonx128


The church bells methodical toll was the only sound as the people filed out. Every one of them shakes a somber man’s hand as they exit, tears glisten on every visitor’s eye. Wide-eyed children stare at their grave parents, unaware of the tragedy they’ve witnessed.

As soon as the last person has paid their respects, the Reverend closes the church doors, and the family is left alone to grieve for their dead.

A sobbing mother is comforted by her eldest daughter. Drying her tears, the mother tucks a fray of her daughter’s hair behind her ear. Another sob breaks through as she watches the soft strands glow in the light, exactly how her younger daughter’s hair used to shine.

The older daughter’s husband, a lawyer, speaks with his father-in-law regarding after-burial arrangements.

“She was eighteen, so all of her possessions go to her family unless otherwise stated in her will.”

“She turned eighteen a few days ago. She never had time to write a will, or any reason to.” The father says dismally.

“Did she have a boyfriend? Sometimes personal objects get sent to significant others in the event of death, with the parents' consent of course.”

The father’s eyes glaze over as he pictures his dead daughter. Her layered golden-brown hair always made her ruby lips stand out.

“Mr. Williams?” The son-in law pauses, “Otto?” The father snaps him out of his trance. “Did Claire have a boyfriend?”

“No. None I was aware of.” He sighs as he looks towards his daughter’s encased body, cursing the drunk driver who caused her premature death.

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Sun Jul 06, 2008 7:35 pm
Livinginfantasy wrote a review...



Church bells methodically toll as the people silently file out.

Ouch... too much description! Why not try: 'The church bells methodical toll was the only sound as the people filed out'.

A sobbing mother is comforted by an older daughter. Drying her tears, the mother tucks a stray fray of her daughter’s hair behind her ear.

Stray fray? In a rhyming poem this would work... kinda. In here this just leads to chuckle a little. Try something else. Also, instead of putting 'an older daughter' try 'her older daughter'. It makes it seem more personal to the mother.

“Mr. Williams?” The son-in law pauses, “Otto?” Otto Williams snaps him out of his trance. “Did Scarlet have a boyfriend?”

I don't like how you introduced Otto's full name. It screams "Hey I'm the writer and the character said his name so I might as well add his last name since it's already there!".
(tee hee, I dunno if that made sense!)

The older daughter's husband seems to be unbiased to the fact his wife's sister died. He just seems so business-like and uncaring. Is this what you had in mind when writing about this character? I just wanted to tell you since that's what I'm getting at.

Off to Part 4! :D





The continuation of our world depends more on the survival of the kindest than it does on the survival of the fittest.
— Arcticus