Wire Hearts and Paper Dreams (5)

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"V-Vincent!" I stuttered, surprised. He smiled softly, the corner of his mouth barely twitching.

"Hey," he said slowly, carefully.

"Trinity?" Cody asked, walking into the room. "Oh," he exclaimed, his shock clear on his face as he notices Vincent, amusement obvious in his eyes. "And who's this?" Feeling myself blush, I offered a hasty introduction before begging Cody to leave with my eyes. Please, please, just go, I thought, going so far as to bat my eyelashes at him. Finally, with a smile, he left the room. I heard the shower start, and I breathed a heavy sigh of relief.

"So," I started, running a hand through my pale blond hair nervously. "What's up?" Vincent looked at me, trying to catch my eyes, but I resisted, looking anywhere else but his concerned face.

"Sebastian told me what happened at school. I just wanted to make sure you were OK. After all, you did fall off the stage, and down half a flight of stairs," He said with a tight smile. I ignored his attempt at loosening the tension, instead asking him how he knew where I lived. For just one second, one tenth of a second, his face changed, something in his eyes darkened, and I saw him flounder. Startled at the guarded, but unhappy expression on such a face, I opened the door for him to come in, my heart missing every other beat.

"I live close to here," He said, leaning back stiffly into the living room's futon. It being the only place to sit in the house (besides my bed and the toilet), I leaned against the wall opposite him, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Where?" I asked, suddenly wanting to know more about him. I knew nothing, basically, and I had no idea whether or not he was a stalker, or a killer, or a rapist. I didn't feel the sweet curiosity I had before. I didn't feel the excited flutter of my heart, or the unsure tingle in my fingertips. All I felt was a defensive need of knowledge, a painful clenching

"Oh, you know. A few blocks from here. What's the street called? I think it starts with a 'B'." He didn't say this innocently, like someone who really didn't know their street. He said it like a challenge. Do you really know my next move? He was asking me. Do you think yourself so clever as to think you know me? I shrugged, trying to appear innocent, like I didn't suspect him, like he still sent my heart fluttering and my finger's tingling. I gulped, my throat suddenly tight and my stomach suddenly uneasy.

"Well," I managed to croak out. "Thanks for dropping in. I'm fine, and you probably shouldn't be out during dinner time." I checked the clock nervously to be sure it was in fact close to six. He got up silently, getting to the door in a single stride. I could see muscles moving under his shirt as he opened the door, and despite the darkness I had seen in his eyes, I felt my cheeks heat. He is quite gorgeous. And he does seem to care about me. And those eyes, now looking at me are- I jumped, finding him looking back at me from the doorway.

"Glad you're better," He said softly, a tone of disappointment noticeable in his smooth, otherwise even voice. "Goodbye, Trinity." The door shut behind him, and I couldn't help but letting the air from my lungs out in a whoosh.

_____________________________________________________

Sorry this wasn't the greatest guys.....I tried. *shrugs*

~Nutty

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Poison
Review
Poison wrote a review · Sat Nov 28, 2009 4:01 pm

I feel this deserves a critique. So here we go. Sorry it can't be a line-by-line crit. But I will point out the big things.
Okay, the first thing I noticed about this was that it's one giant paragraph. I would like to stress right now that it can't be one big paragraph. You have a lot of different ideas in here and a lot of different speaker. If you have a new idea or a new speaker you need to make another paragraph. I'll show you some examples.

Example one: New Idea
I checked my watch. It read eleven-forty-one. I was late. My parents would be worrying about me by now. I should have taken the car instead of walking. I would have been home by now, blogging on my computer. Now, instead of going straight to my bedroom, I would have to endure a lecture about responsibility. If only I had driven!
A crackle of broken branches came from behind me, breaking the silence. I whirled around; trying to catch a glimpse of whomever was behind me. But I couldn’t see anything. The mist was too thick. I only saw the moonlight’s radiant glow on nearby rocks and tree trunks. After scanning the path twice and not seeing anyone I decided I was being paranoid and it was probably just an animal. I turned back around and continued walking.

Example Two: New Speaker
"Let's go to the beach," I said excitedly.
"Okay, yeah. Let's go," he agreed reluctantly.

(Sorry for such a big example at the top. It's part of one of my stories. I couldn't think of a good, short example.)
Also, you should start a new paragraph any time someone is speaking. The following is an example:

He smiled at me, flashing those perfect pearls he calls teeth.
"What?" I asked.

Besides this, it was pretty good. Your punctuation was fairly decent and I read it until the end without wondering about something else. You should really dissect it into separate paragraphs, though. Paragraphs help keep out confusion.
PM me if you have any questions or want a critique.:)



huh. didn't realize santa was a batman fan-
— Mageheart