I'm still unsure about the title, but it'll be hard to really decide on one until we get into the story...Hope you like it!
Nutty
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"Can I help you?" I spat, spinning around to face my follower. I was walking home after drama class, and in November the sun set so early it was already dark. I peered into the darkness, looking for a moving shadow, a flicker of light, something to give away the creep who decided to follow me home. I stood there, clutching my bag to my chest. I knew there was someone there. I had heard footsteps, and I had felt breath on my neck. I squinted into the shadowy street for another moment before continuing my walk.
My legs, feeling a bit wobbly in the knees, involuntarily lengthened their strides, until I felt like I was doing lunges. I stopped at a light, waiting for the walk signal to flash. Standing there, a streetlight shining down on my head, I felt naked. Naked and cold, and suddenly afraid. I pushed the button. I pushed the button again. Still, the light didn't change. "C'mon, c'mon," I muttered, repeatedly slamming my fist over the damned button. I heard a footfall behind me. I held my breath, my hand frozen over the button. Slowly, I turned my head so I could see over my shoulder. I saw a pair of tennis shoes, ratty jeans, an over sized hoodie, and short silver hair hanging in front of a shadowed face. I shuddered, not wanting to be around such a tall, mysterious, intimidating figure. I turned and walked down a side street. There was more than one way to get to my two room apartment. More than one way to get home.
I smiled, thinking about how my mother used to call small things "cozy", when me and Cody just called them "cramped" or "tight" or "uncomfortable". I had never appreciated my mother's optimism while she was sill alive, and I know regretted not giving in to her good moods and joining in on her laughter. My smile faltered,and I felt my eyes start to tear up. It's just the wind. It's just the wind. I blinked my eyes furiously and wiped my nose on the sleeve of my sweatshirt. It needed washing anyway. I turned a corner and nearly ran into someone, muttering an hasty apology while skirting around their tall frame. "Hey," a deep, creamy, warm, concerned voice said. I could almost hear it reciting Shakespeare passionately, hear it singing songs as loudly as it could, hear it whispering love into some one's hair.
I shook myself out of my dreams as he grabbed my elbow, his hands cold but gentle. "Are you ok?" He asked, and now I could see his eyes. Not his face, not the strong jaw I knew was there, or the straight nose, or the soft mouth. I stared at his eyes, trying to keep my thought under control. He had light grey eyes, like the sky after it snowed. His eyes crinkled in a smile. "Thanks," he said, his voice light now. I jumped slightly. Had I really said that out loud? Had I really done something so stupid and unaware as to actually get lost in my own head?
I wrenched my arm from his icy fingers and shoved past him, determined not to see him ever again. "Sorry?" he called after me uncertainty as I stormed down the sidewalk. I would not be distracted by some ridiculous man on the street when I had school to worry about. With drama, photography, writing, my friends and my band, I didn't have time for anything else. And even if I did, it's not like I needed yet another thing squeezing time out of my already busy life.
End of chapter
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140,917 Literary Works • 673,736 Reviews
Hey! I liked it!
That's all I can say...hehehe.
I really like this idea.
Anyway, you're a good writer and even though I didn't check, I couldn't find any grammar errors. But as I said, I didn't check.. But I think you're good.
I look forward to read more of this story. And well, keep up the good work, Shadow!
* I see now that you've posted this a long time ago. Well, some months ago.. xD
Hey:) I totaly loved the story. I felt like I was inside it, like I was the MC, I felt her fear and everything, I saw the whole story playing in front of my eyes. You seriously have to continue this it's brilliant:) !!Love the Title!!
I can't wait to read the next chapter:)
Ikafe
This is really good, Nutty. I liked the idea, the descriptions, and the voice. But again, what happened to her follower? Was the follower supposed to be the man she bumped into? Is he supposed to be bad or good? I never can tell with these things. Well good job.
Biffle
Thanks y'all! Pudin, that did help,and Forest, so far there are four of these stories in all. I'm trying to get some more out....
~Nutty
Yay! I liked this and I really want to keep reading. I love how she talks about the guy being so intimidating and I bet...they meet again??? Keep me posted I really liked this piece, it was really great.
Nutty, hey!!
So I'm finally here for the review.
First. I loved it, loved your style and description. You didn't give out the whole story but still gave us something to see the story clearly. I love your narration, how you transmitted the mood and the feelings she had not by saying them right away but by good description.
Second. As the other reviewers had said, your hook is not so good. You want to get the reader involved since the first sentence not the second or the third. In the whole first paragraph I felt you jumped from one thing in the first sentence to another in the following sentences
Third.
Suddenly afraid? for what the story says before this sentence, she was already afraid. Besides, she wasn't afraid until then?
I like this sentence very interesting and it somehow shows how the character is.
Know should be now.
I love your descriptions but this is too much, at least for me, four adjectives for one voice. I do that a lot, I over-describe stuff. I think you should put colorful adjectives so it wouldn't look overcrowded by adjectives.
Does this mean that she has seen him before? Because it seems like she has. So what I'm trying to say is that even though your imagery was delighful, the other parts a bit confusing.
Now for the last paragraph, well it kinda diverts the feelings and moods you had been giving us. I think that a stronger ending paragraph would the story some good. This part sounds a bit too teeanager, and is definetly not the mood to end a story like this one.
Overall
I loved how you kept the reader's attention, or at least mine. I like your vivid description of the background and the feelings of her. YOur pace was also very nice, not too fast to get us all confused and no too slow. It is good that you know how to pace your story.
Hope I helped.
Pudin
Helooo! It's me again!
(By the way, this review is really long, but don't worry, there are good comments in here too. It's mostly because I have to do either this, or AP history homework, so I'm taking my time with this and really nitpicking. It really is very good. And I LOVE the title, by the way. It's what caught my attention.)
Ok, so I have a problem with the hook as well. I think "spat" is fine, but I don't like that she seems like annoyed is her main emotion. Since she is being followed by a random creepy person, and after this one line, she seems scared, I would incorporate her fear into the first line. It's the more important emotion, and it will make her saying "Can I help you?" more of a way to pretend she isn't scared, than sounding like she's annoyed at her little brother or something. Also, if she had felt breath on her neck, wouldn't the guy have been close enough to know who he is? That seems a little strange.
Ok, so I have a few problems with this paragraph: 1. Take out the part about doing lunges. This is supposed to be a scary scene, and you've done a great job capturing that mood, except this line. There is nothing scary about a girl walking down the street in the dark, doing some lunges. I know it's supposed to be an exaggeration, but don't mix funny with scary, or it kills the mood. 2. Why does it say that she is suddenly afraid? Wasn't she afraid this whole time? 3. I feel like "shuddered" isn't the right word choice. Shuddering, to me, makes me think of a thought out reaction, like thinking about something scary or gross, but here she is surprised, and I would think her reaction would be more sudden, like a gasp or a jump or something. 4. I wouldn't italicize "intimidating" because it has enough emphasis on it, and it's unneeded. 5. On the other hand, I really like the imagery of the guy, and you did a great job making her feel frantic and hurried with pressing the button.
The part about her mom is really good, because it shows background, and creates questions (what happened? Who is taking care of her now? etc.) but it seems like it's randomly thrown in there. She's being followed by a creep, and is suddenly thinking about her mom talking about "cozy" things? Try to make the transition there a little smoother. I also like the part about her saying it's just the wind. Very nice.
First sentence: too many adjectives. Pick one or two at the most, or it will just sound like a grocery list and take away from the real meaning of them. They start to all blend together, so the reader doesn't listen to all of them. Second sentence: I loveloveloveloveLOVE it!
Again, very good imagery. But the part where it says "I knew was there" does that mean she knows who he is? Beucase it makes it sound like she's seen him before. And I personally don't like the repetition of "his eyes" in those last two sentences, so I would change the last sentence into "Just then, they crinkled in a smile." or something like that. But that's just my opinion.
It seems a little odd that she would be that forcfully angry at the end. It kind of seems like she's practically beating him up on her way past. Maybe she tries to get away fast, but at first she's kind of shy around him, and then she's like "BAM! Outta my way!"
And finally, I think the final sentence could be a little stronger. It's basically saying "I don't have enough time for a boyfriend. And even if I did, I wouldn't have time for him." See waht I mean? Think of another reason, or just leave it at one, but it sounds like your trying to make one reason sound like two... I'm not sure if I'm making sense. Haha.
Anyway, overall, I thought it was really good. Again, I'm sorry that I'm being really nitpicky tonight, but you are very talented, and I love the imagery you do. Also, you're good at setting a mood, just make sure you are consistant with it. So in conclsion, double thumbs up from me!
Oh! What happens next. Is the guy with grey eyes the one whoo been following her? So many questions! great job!
Hey Hey Hey! Starleene here. It seems to me that the previous posters have gotten everything, but I don't like being out done so I shall recap some little nit picks, so..Here We Go!
OK like Shina said I can so picture the character turning around to confront her pursuer and yelling at them with spit flying everywhere. This is not a picture you want to paint in the first paragraph, no matter how amusing
Just a small typo I think you meant "still" not "sill" here.
Well thats all I found. I really loved this and the way you made the man seem like a relief spot for her
Until next time...
Tata For now!
Starleene Out!
Thanks Irish! Ands thanks, Shina. That review totally helped
I laughed at what you said about my hook, how she was spitting XD However, the whole "clutching" thing is kind of what I was going for. Like, she was tense and a bit scared, and that word seemed to work best for what I had in my head. And thank you all again for the compliments, this is the first thing I've written in a while.
Love,
Nutty ^.*
Hi Nutty!
I saw your name on this and jumped for it, and I'm really glad I did! I really like it! I can't wait to see more!
Love you Nutty! Keep up the awesome work!
-Irish
Hey Nutty ^^ Shina here to do a review for you
I haven't reviewed in a while, so I might be a bit rusty.
Btw, I like your title. It reminds me of those poetic usernames people come up with like paperlilies.
I. Nitpicks
Okay, here's the first problem: your hook. A hook is basically supposed to do what it says: grab the reader's attention. It has to be unique and catching. Think of it as a window to your story. If your window is wide open and bright, it's most likely going to get some good attention. If it's closed, dark, and blends in with the wall. Well, only really really observant or curious people are going to pick up the book from the shelf.
You might want to change the description because the first thing I see is a picture of someone yelling "Can I help you?!" with spit flying on the person they're yelling at. I don't think that was what you were going for. I think you were trying to express your MC's irritation. Remember to find the word that fits, the one that, well, implies the right image.
Third, the tense. I'm pretty sure it should've been "I spat as I turned around to face my follower."
And here it is a second time. Clutching something is holding it really tight. I think you were going for "I stood there, pressing my bag to my chest." Or something of that sort.
Oh! I love this line <3 The only thing is the repition of "hear it" that bothers me.
Try: "I could almost hear it reciting Shakespeare passionately, hear it singing songs and loudly as it could and whispering love into someone's hair."
That better?
Another lovely description.
II. Overall
Nutty, you have a really nice narrator voice ^^ You can sense the tenseness of her irriation and feel it melt away when she stares into his eyes. You can describe certain things without having to say "he is" or "they are." However, there are several places where the descriptions slip up and produce the wrong image. Like I said, remember to find the word that fits, the color that paints the picture best.
The next thing is the storyline. The ending was...anticlimatic. You have this whole thing where the MC is avoiding a stranger who's actually really nice, but then in the end, even though she likes him a bit, she just runs off because she has a "busy life."
You need to give more. Don't just list all these things she has to do, give some insight at her life and how she feels about it. Stressed? Parents divorced? Trying to ace classes to get to college/graduate with honors?
Hope this helps
-Shina
Thanks guys! And don't worry, Moonlight. You'll see soon enough...
This was really good. What happened to the guy who was following her though? After the guy with grey eyes bumps into her?
its really good and i like your idea