I stare up
At the world of color,
It's warm softness
Kissing my cheek.
I look over
To see my friends
Laughing
And smiling in awe
At the world we've created.
Under this blanket
Of dimmed lights
And flashing colors
The world seems slow.
My fingers stroke
The ceiling
That lands just inches
From my face.
I look up
And see
The rainbow
Reflected in
Her shining
Brown eyes.
I smile.
***************************~!&##################################
Ok, I don't like the title I've given this, and would love some suggestions.
Review away!
NuttyLove
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139,546 Literary Works • 672,605 Reviews
Good, but needs more details. What's really happening in this poem? Is she staring at a rainbow with her mates? Is she embracing her last gusts of life? Good imagery, it's used very well, but perhaps work on the whole narrative side of it. Besides, it is a Narrative Poem. x
good work, it is, in essence, what i feel that free verse should be, the fluidity of speech, made a poem. the only issues are ofcourse the grammatical faults, and the use of worldly words (if the expresion makes sence) but besides that, good job.
Ahaha, ok. I'll definitely work on this one. Thanks for the review(s)!
NuttyLove
strange didn't quite get what was going on but good details.
Hello, Shadow!
Hm, what exactly is warm softness? What does it feel like, other than warm and soft? If you're going to use a metaphor, choose something firm and less vague. What I mean is, both "warm" and "soft" are quite boring words, and personally I don't get anything out of them. (It's should be its, by the way.)
This is a bit too telling, I think – you know about the "show, don't tell" thing? That's what I felt like when I read this bit. In poetry, every word and line should be carefully considered, and in here there's at least three lines nothing but idling. You should write every line as if it were your last.
The image is nice here, but the "show, don't tell" factor applies to this part as well.
I think you might not need this one at all, because ending with the rainbow reflecting in eyes works well enough. Beware of the boring words again, though – "shining" and "brown" are both very plain eye description words, so it would be nice to see something unique.
All in all, it's a good try, though I do think there's more to you than this. =) PM me if you have any questions/if you post an edited version!
Demeter
x
good poet
keep it up,
if u don't like it's name then think how the poem is and write it
bye.