Laughing and singing,
wind whipping your hair
and tugging at your limbs
until, spinning, you fall
up into the sun
and converse with the sweet birds
in the baby-soft clouds.
As I reach for your hand
an eye blinks
and everything turns white
for one holy moment
but then we are back
in the schoolyard
with the children laughing
and taunting
about how we should stop
and get our heads out of the clouds.
But we can't help it
because now we are floating
on the backs
of those baby-soft clouds
with the birds singing lullabies
and kissing us with feathered wings
until we sleep again,
back in the city streets.
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139,556 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
Hey!
Pudin here for your review Nutty!!
So I like the topic, how you talked about and described it. It's very pleasing, well done.
But I think your line breaks were a little bit off. Just in case you don't know, a line break is when line stops and a new line begins. Pretty simple, pretty basic. But...
We all have problems with that. You should see my poems.lol
So there were times in which I was really feeling the poem and all of a sudden the lines stops and continues in another one. This really stops the flow of the poem. A poem should flow naturally, like a waterfall!! Natural, easy with no bumps.
Also, I think that what is affecting your poem is the punctuation. Punctuation in poetry is very important because it helps the poem flow better and be understood better.
Now for your wording. You kept it simple and I love it. it was very understandable. But i think that in some of them you used words that have been overused or don't sound so good.
I don't think this sounds good. Blinks is such a...vain word! so small and it doesn't add that much to anything unless you say it aloud and are talking about a blinking cursor in your computer. So I think you should replace the word or rephrase that verse.
I noticed you used baby-soft clouds. I have nothing against it, at all. But I don't know, I don't think is that good or sounds that good actually. Ok, maybe the first time it sounds good, but maybe you could describe how you feel in them.
Now something I was criticized on by Gale (Galerius, he's awesome in poetry) is that you should use all your senses not stick just to one. Using all your senses, at least to me, it adds a different perspective to your poem,like a 3D perspective, with sound, touch, taste.
So that's all, I really liked it was really sweet and I hope I helped.
XOXO
Pudin
Ah, everything about this poem is so lovely and poetic. I really liked the 'converse with the sweet birds in the baby-soft clouds' part. Nothing really popped out to me as bad except your tiny, multicolored font.. Was that an accident, or am I to dense to realize the symbolism behind it?
Well done...Emily
Hello! This is quite a pleasing poem. The blue does make it a bit difficult to read, though. I was a bit concerned at first because you seemed to be writing in second person, which is pretty difficult, and if I'm being picky, I don't really like the sound because I feel like you're talking to me and telling me something that is happening to me, even if that's not what you intend. Apart from that, I like that you talk about escaping to a different place. "One holy moment" seems only slightly out of place, but for the most part, you use some really good, descriptive imagery and talk about different senses as well, which is great. Good job.
I thought your poem interesting. I had a hard time reading the blue font, but once I started - I understood. It took me there.
Well done.
Thanks Aqua! (I don't care if that's not your name-name, it's your name ^-^)
I didn't even notice the whole "laughing" thing! I'll change that in my re-write. However, the "baby-soft clouds", I like, and I think the repetition might sound better if I put the "sweet" back with "birds." No?
Thanks again!
Nutty
Hey there! Thought I'd come and review you poem.
Ok, so frist off I really like this piece. Really liked it. The punctuation however, I did not like. But everyone has already said that so I won't linger.
There was a lot to like in this poem, it really give me the feeling of happiness and dreaming. I loved the words you used in your imagery - they conveyed the sense of childlike innocence really well. There are a couple of things I'd like to point out however.
So I'm really sorry if I got this wrong, but to me the word "holy" is something that I link to religion and spirituality. I know that it means "sacred" and "special", but for me it isn't the best word you could use here.
You used "laughing" earlier in the poem. Now I'm really sorry if this seems nitpicky and all but as you already used laughing with a positive connotation, I think it might be better if you found a synonym for it that was slightly more negative.
I like repetition, usually I have no problem with it. But, you already used this description of the clouds and although it is a good idea, I don't think it works here.
So, overall a really well written piece!
Nice one!
Hope this helped a little.
~Amy
i really love you're poem its so wonderful and I actually couldn't find anything wrong to be corrected.
PUFFSAMMY!!!! =D Sorry, off topic, but PuffSammy finally joined! YAY!
*cough* More reviews, please.
I really liked it! Keep up the good work!
Yay! Hehe, thanks you guys! It's funny, I was listening to music when I was reviewing someone else's poem, and this is popped up in me brains, so I had to write it in the middle of their review XP I can totally see what you mean by having a little more unctuation in there, too.
Thanks again!
<3 Nutty
Definitely agree that it could use some punctuation to give it more definition, but overall a fabulous piece of work! Strong story and clear setting. Great job!
Hiya!
I have to say, there is nothing I really need to correct in your poem. If I can make one slight suggestion, though, it is that you add some more punctuation to your poem. You only have three periods, and three commas, almost all of which are not separating your lines. If you wish to leave it this way, fine. Its your poem, my advise is simply a suggestion.
I really liked this poem. It is one of the few I have read on this sight that actually
sounds like a poem.
My favorite part?
This is oh so very poetic. I love it!
Good job, I believe you have a future as a poet.
~Skip.