Can't you see her tears?
The ones she's been shedding for years.
Don't you miss her smile?
The one she had all the while;
You broke her.
Do you enjoy causing her pain?
She sits in the rain.
Why must you keep her all alone?
She's as cold as stone.
You've killed that poor girl.
Were you ever a friend?
Or was she that hard to defend?
Was it her?
Maybe she was just a blur,
She's gone now.
Will it be hard without her?
Did it ever occur,
That she had feelings too?
No one had a clue.
Now she's no more.
The girl sat aside.
You never saw how she cried.
No one ever saw.
She never had time to thaw,
It must be what did her in.
(I hope I made all the corrections necessary... Thanks for the reviews!)
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hello, Roon here! So this was good except for a couple of things. The rhyming seems very forced, it actually distracted me from the poems sombre mood. People don’t care about rhyme anymore, just let your thoughts flow freely. Okay, so I think everyone has already pointed out nitpicks, but I’ll go ahead anyways.
She sits in the rain seems quite tame here, almost as though she chooses to do so.
Did her in? I don’t really think this phrase is right for this poem.
Okay, so overall, if you took out the rigid rhyme scheme, this could be a great poem. You need to loosen up with your poetry, this is a great concept, and you clearly have great literary skill. You need to show off that skill. This is good, but it could be better, I can see that you’re talented, and you’re only thirteen, so this is fantastic for your age. Thank you for the pleasure of reading this.
~ Roon
Hey Master ^^ Shina here for a review
I. Nitpicks
I believe there should be a question mark at the end of "years".
Secone line needs a question mark or a semicolon.
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II.Overall
Master, it seems your rhyme scheme ate up this good idea. Choose meaning over rhyme because sometimes the stanzas were random and off.
Also include your own little twist because this idea is cliche, the poor little girl. Work on imagery and add some more literary devices to illustrate your poem.
-Shina
Since thedelphinater already pointed out the improvisations I'll talk about what I really liked about this poem.
The narrator really makes the point of the poem very clear.I could empathise with the girl who the others rejected for no reason.You have really portrayed the plight of the girl very well.The poem was really gripping till the end and left the reader something to think about.
Keep such great work coming.
Hola mi amigo! It's review time! This poem was awesome. The flow and rhyme scheme and all that were good. Except for a few little nit-picks, I couldn't find anything wrong with it.
This didn't seem to make sense to me. The one she had all the while the time you broke her? I think I would get rid of "the time" and leave it as "you broke her".
There should be a comma or a period after blur.
Wrong word here. Concur means to agree. Occur would be better here.
I would make the first period a comma.
Other than that, I couldn't find anything. Good job!