Faster and faster I soar through the sky,
Defeating the enemy before I die
The troops defeat the evil creatures
I take down another, destroying its features
I watch over the fighting army
They all work in harmony
I smile as we destroy our opponents
I smile at all of the destructive components
Everything is coming together
The war will not last forever
An alarm sounds
The war shoots rounds
My eyes flash open
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,623 Literary Works • 673,565 Reviews
Welcome to YWS Master ^^ I'm Shina and I'll be your reviewer this evening.
First things first, your title. "During" is spelled with one r xD
You need a comma
Don't forget the period. Also, you can't really "destroy" someone's features, you can vandalize or ruin, but not destory persay. It seems like you jsut chose "features" to rhyme with "creatures"
Need a semi-colon. Harmony and Army don't rhyme.
You need to add a comma and a period, and the "I smile" is repetitive. Try a different word.
Again, this is not a rhyme.
This totally ruins it =_= No one wants to read something and in the end learn that it was just a dream.
Overall: Your rhyme scheme is eating up your poem. Remember that the right words come before the ones that rhyme. You chose decent words that rhymed rather than the ones that could paint a picture of the story.
In your next poem, remember to not let the rhyme scheme eat you up
Also, try to show rather than tell. Paint a picture
-Shina
Hi. Welcome to YWS!
This opens well as the first line is dramatic and draws the reader in. I'd add a full stop at the end of each couplet. Actually, I think this as a whole needs more punctuation than that. I hope you don't mind if I show you one way to punctuate this;
"Faster and faster I soar through the sky,
Defeating the enemy before I die.
The troops defeat the evil creatures,
I take down another, destroying its features.
I watch over the fighting army;
They all work in harmony.
I smile as we destroy our opponents-
I smile at all of the destructive components.
Everything is coming together,
The war will not last forever.
An alarm sounds,
The war shoots rounds.
My eyes flash open. "
I'd change ;
"The war shoots rounds."
It doesn't make much sense and sounds forced.
The last line is powerful. Usually I'd discourage the whole "and then I woke up" approach as cliche, but I think it works here.
Hope this helps.
Jas
Hi! This was amazing! Like, I'm not just saying that. This was really good. Just one little nit-pick though:
This stanza just seemed a bit awkward to me. I can't decide if it was the flow that threw me off, or if it was just that "army" and "harmony" aren't the best rhymes.
One more thing: punctuation. Add it. It helps the flow and it just makes the poem seem nicer and stuff (wow that was specific). Just go through and add a period or a comma where there's a pause and such. Anyway, amazing job. Gold star!
Oh my, It's a poem! Its a good poem! There's lots of emotions in it. I wuv the rhyme scheme! Hehe it almost seems kind of evil with the whole smiling at destroying. It really makes me thing about war! You're better than you think you are! But why the war theme... youdon't know something aI don't right? Anyway I'd love to read more (hint hint write more). Byezz.