Is there a fog?
Making you not see-
See the love that clogs.
The love I have for thee?
Do you know how much it hurts?
You talk about her,
You've told me that you flirt.
Don't you see the pain it stirs?
Can you hear me?
The tears that fall,
That make me drop to my knees.
Won't you hear my call?
Do you see my pain?
It hides behind my eyes,
Then comes out in the rain.
Can you see my love rise?
Will the fog clear?
Or will it always shroud?
Will it take years?
Or will it stay a cloud?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,813 Reviews
Well, I'm pretty much repeating other people but the annoying thing about this is the forced rhyme. You really, really want to cut it out. I mean, why do you say 'thee' so randomly? It sounds stupid and it sounds forced. Have a go at free form, it's easier and better. Because you've got this great metaphor of the fog here, but you're stopped from exploring it fully because you're sticking to a stilted rhyme scheme! It's much easier to scrap the rhyme and get creative with free form!
Hope I helped!
~Amy
Goodluck, keep writing.
Silented1.
As many people have done, you have fallen into the trap of trying to hard to make your poem rhyme. Rhyme schemes don't always have to be used, most poems are a lot better off without them. I don't like this poem very much, but I'm not completely sure if any of the complaints I have would be valid anyway, or if the imperfections are only there because you've tried to force rhyming into it. Drop the rhyming and rewrite it free form is my advice. This whole thing looks stilted.
If it weren't for that, this would actually be a unique twist on unrequited love. Rather than focusing on the pain and misery and other boring stuff like that, you've taken a metaphor for unrequited love and explored that thoroughly.
~Aet
So the advice I can give you is that, when writing poetry, things don't always have to rhyme. Sometimes it's better just to forget rhyming, then trying to force it into a rhyme. Because it makes it sound forced, and that ruins the flow of the poem, and the message you're trying to get the poem to convey.
well i can say for sure that i like this poem more than 'Time'. I can connect to the actual situation of the poem more and know how the narrator feels. A few forced rhymes that could afford to be changed but ultimately ann alright poem.
Interesting poem, here's a few comments.
• The last line really messes with both the rhyme pattern and the syllable pattern. To make it fit into the rest of the stanza, I suggest finding a way to get rid of one syllable. Then, try to keep the rhyme scheme going, you should de- pluralise the "stirs" so it actually rhymes with her. I bet you can find a way to do that to save this stanza.
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The rest of the stanza's do have some problems but not as direct. Here:
Third Stanza:
The repetition of the word hear and the concept of "Can you hear me" is kind of over done. Find a way to more subtly repeat the "Won't you hear my call" so that it's not so much old news once you get there, if you understand me.
First Stanza:
This stanza makes no sense. "See the love that clogs the love I have for thee." It may just be an interpretation issue, but if not, it seems like it's kind of an awkward statement. It says to see the love that blinds (clogs) the love I have for you. But really, the love for the other girl is basically the love that rivals yours, the metaphoric fog. Just clear that up a bit.
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That's all. I liked how you portrayed the emotion. Well done with that. I hope you don't think I've been too harsh and decide to hold it against me forever, and I also hope that you'll take some of my suggestions into consideration.
Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever THrenody