Young Writers Society

Well, I'm pretty much repeating other people but the annoying thing about this is the forced rhyme. You really, really want to cut it out. I mean, why do you say 'thee' so randomly? It sounds stupid and it sounds forced. Have a go at free form, it's easier and better. Because you've got this great metaphor of the fog here, but you're stopped from exploring it fully because you're sticking to a stilted rhyme scheme! It's much easier to scrap the rhyme and get creative with free form!

Hope I helped!

~Amy

Do you see my pain?
It hides behind my eyes,

As many people have done, you have fallen into the trap of trying to hard to make your poem rhyme. Rhyme schemes don't always have to be used, most poems are a lot better off without them. I don't like this poem very much, but I'm not completely sure if any of the complaints I have would be valid anyway, or if the imperfections are only there because you've tried to force rhyming into it. Drop the rhyming and rewrite it free form is my advice. This whole thing looks stilted.

If it weren't for that, this would actually be a unique twist on unrequited love. Rather than focusing on the pain and misery and other boring stuff like that, you've taken a metaphor for unrequited love and explored that thoroughly.

~Aet

So the advice I can give you is that, when writing poetry, things don't always have to rhyme. Sometimes it's better just to forget rhyming, then trying to force it into a rhyme. Because it makes it sound forced, and that ruins the flow of the poem, and the message you're trying to get the poem to convey.

well i can say for sure that i like this poem more than 'Time'. I can connect to the actual situation of the poem more and know how the narrator feels. A few forced rhymes that could afford to be changed but ultimately ann alright poem.

Interesting poem, here's a few comments.

Do you know how much it hurts?
You talk about her,
You've told me that you flirt.
Don't you see the pain it stirs?